Im looking for guidance, help, support I fel like Im the only one in the world going through this !
Married 25 years this year, seperated for 12 months she just decided she wanted her own space, 2 kids wee adults 21 and 18 i was devestated, we cant get back together she hurt me too much and im now just getting stronger and want to be happy again, what on earth do i do first
hi first of all i would suggest you get some counselling organised for yourself just to help you through the process.....i would also suggest you get a lawyer organised...not necessarily to initiate anything but to get advice on what to do and your position etc
having information is very important.....
i am so sorry you have found yourself here i am imagine you are the same as so many of us on here that you never thoght this would happen to you..............
Thanks for the reply I am going to have to rely on guidance from you all , i really appreciate that, no I never thought it would happen to me, thought it was the perfect family, she was flattered by text messages I think !!!!
hi connectghia....i can totally relate to that bit about the text messages....i think modern technology has a lot to answer for....
on a serious note though all i can suggest is that you look after yourself as best you can ....your mental and physical health as you need to be in good shape to look out for your children....and yourself ..take care
You will find, as I did, that the site is a god send, the wonderful people that give support and practical advise are second to none.
You will also see that many, including my self, had very long marriages and know what you are going through.
I made the mistake of picking a local solicitor ( I live in a small place), thinking it had to be someone local. I have now changed solicitors to one more than 200 miles away, distance has not made any difference but the expertise and service has. My advise is:
1) Take your time
2) Do some research and get a solicitor who is an expert in family law, preferably with Resolution Accreditation & Lexcel Accredited.
3) Look after your self
4) Never ever believe it is all your fault, if you read through earlier posts on here, you will see there is a distinct pattern played out by the person who left to help them shift the guilt.
5) when you are ready, post any questions, ask for help or have a rant, as I said, this site has literally been a life saver for so many of us.
Divorce is a long and painful journey but help is there for you.
Here is the bit I usually send to new people. It''s not early days for you but perhaps you are new to the thinking regarding really putting yourself first.
So many people say that time heals but I do not quite buy that. To get through this stronger you need to do a ton of work.
1. Get support. I talked to a LOT of people but I was very careful who I told what to. Most people were so ready to support me which was awesome but the ones that knew both of us really didn''t want to get into the details. I was very specific with the kind of support I needed from different individuals. From some I needed to have a laugh. From others I needed them to listen. From others still I needed their opinion. Others I needed them to feed me. etc. The key for me was to talk, talk, talk. I have probably talked to a hundred people that have been through something similar. Understanding that there is a script to these things was quite eye opening to me. Knowing that the leaver will deny, blame and justify helped me. Knowing that a lot of the garbage that comes out of their mouths not only is not true but has no basis in reality helped as well.
2. Get away. As soon as I was healthy enough I went away on a trip to the sun. Soon after that I went away again to visit family and childhood friends. This was very, very good. Just get away for a few days even. Get some space. I like long drives and have done a few solo trips with 6+ hour drives through the mountains. Getting away like that brings me back to my 20s and is very healing for me.
3. Don''t beg, it is as pathetic as it sounds. I had a few bad moments when I was begging her to reconsider. It was pathetic. When she was in the "fantasy bubble" as I like to call it there is no reason that will be considered. You have to realise at that moment, in their minds, everything is going to be amazing. They''ve never been this happy. Never. So let it go. The fantasy will wear off eventually and then you can see where you are.
4. Take care of you. This is the biggest one. Be kind and patient with yourself. Put yourself first. Really first. Not your kids, but you. It''s like on the airplane when they say put the oxygen mask on you first. You have to take care of you then you will be fit enough to take care of others in your life. This will take time and a lot of hard work. It''s worth it. Why? Because you''re worth it. You. Can you commit to taking care of you? This is a very new concept for so many people. Can you truly love yourself? Can you look into yourself and see a person of value? A person worthy of love?
5. Know that you''ll be more than ok. You''ll be awesome. Honest. The future is not yet written and you have a huge hand in it. The best path forward is making your life great.
Another interesting thing I learned is that the stories are not particularly unique. In fact, the more I talk to others that have been through this, the more the stories are all so sickeningly similar. Honestly, I have not truly moved on but I am doing ok. I have learned a ton about myself and the type of person I am. I have looked deeply into myself and started to understand my role in all of this. Why did I allow myself to be treated so poorly? How did the total breakdown in communication contribute to the environment? I think you move on, if that is even the right phrase, by doing the work on you. What was your role? Who are you and who do you want to be?
One more thing. Stop reading so many books on this subject. Get out and have more fun! This is your life and you get to choose what happens next! Commit to being awesome.
I have no doubt that I am going to come through this stronger. That is my 100% commitment to myself.