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Hi

  • verylost
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06 Aug 12 #347709 by verylost
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Hi

I''m very new to this and very scared. I''ve been with my husband 4 years, married for 2 and have a gorgeous 1 year old little boy.
I''m so unhappy and have forced myself to stay for my little boy but things are now a lot worse - my husband broke my jaw 2 weeks ago. I told the hospital I fell. This type of thing has gradually got worse, it started with pushing during arguments. I can''t talk to my husband anymore - anything I say is met with frustration or defence. I don''t know where it all went wrong. He says I love my son too much and have no love left for him.
He works away during the week and is only around at weekends and they are unbareably strained. He will play with our son for a while but gets tired/bored. He''s never taken him anywhere alone and rarely changes his nappy/feeds him. It''s almost like having a wife and son is more of a ''status'' thing for him than him loving us.
He blames me for his violence. He broke my jaw as i''d taken exception to his Dad grabbing my arm and telling me not ''to defy him'' when he was staying in our house. His Dad did this because he was insisting i''d treated my husband badly by complaining about him not spending time with me and my son on a family day out. I said i''d heard enough and went to leave the room and his dad rounded on me. He says he''s never done anything like this before and I frustrated him. My husband always says I frustrate him. He''s recently stopped his anti depressants and his behaviour has escalated.
I''m torn, i feel desperately trapped with no communication. I don''t feel loved or like my opinion matters and I haven''t for a long time. If I try to get my opinion across I get told I''m verbally abusing him and it''s this that pushes him to push me physically and worse. BUT I can''t bear the thought of ''sharing'' our son - I love him so much I want to see him everyday and I''d worry while he was with my husband. My husband loves him but he''s never prepared a meal for him, shies away from nappies and just switches off/ignores him when he gets too tired. My gran died in April and I rushed to the hospice at 5.30am, it was an awful day and I was very emotional as soon as I got back my husband left me too it with my son and said he was ''too tired'' to deal with all this stress I was giving him.
But then he says he does love me - is it me - should I stay, am I being selfish? When I had to go to the doctors/x ray with my jaw his first question was ''what did you tell them'' not ''how are you?''. He then sent a lot of texts filled with remorse saying he was leaving. He went on the stag do he''d had planned then returned home as if everything was ok. Whenever i try to broach the subject he gets really angry and says it''s cos he can''t take me pushing him anymore. What do I do?

  • Felixstowe
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06 Aug 12 #347716 by Felixstowe
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Hi

You need to get out of this situation immediately, there are many womens groups you can turn to for help who can advise you in more detail and offer support on exactly what to do next. Please don''t be a victim of domestic violence, there are no actions or words that you can do or say that make a broken jaw your fault.

  • verylost
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06 Aug 12 #347717 by verylost
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He says he did it after years of emotional abuse from me - but it''s not like that. We''ve argued, but everyone argues.
I guess I nag about picking up dog poo and not spending enough time with our son but desperately worried I''ll lose my son as he''s threatened it if I go but then he says he''s nothing without us and has nothing left. so confused.

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06 Aug 12 #347719 by Felixstowe
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There is no justification for physical violence ever, as you said yourself it has escalated from pushing and shoving to him actually breaking your jaw. All abusers wether emotional or physical and yours is both, will divert the responsibility of their actions onto the victim. I do understand your confusion because between his threats to take away your son, physical threats to you and the emotional guilt he is trying to lay at your feet what do you believe? You need to take control and seek help from a group that can support you, understand your conflicted feelings and reassure you, believe me there will be one in your town.

  • MrsSadness
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07 Aug 12 #347763 by MrsSadness
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Sorry, I am a PC doughnut, being the age I am, but is this where I reply

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07 Aug 12 #347765 by MrsSadness
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Dear verylost.

You are in the right place for helpful advice. A God-send to me, when I stumbled upon it.

You are however in need of urgent help: divorce itself can be quick, the AR is another process that can run along side, or after Nisi amd orders can be varied after Absolute.....

You don''t say much to get an idea of your circumstances, as in financial, as in your housing, rented/mortgaged? Joint marital income? Whatever the case, don''t lie to hospital anymore if he does it again. Evidence, maybe needed for later. I know you are scared of him, bless you. Mine used to do it when I was walking on tip toes emotionally, not to set him off.

Right now, you need to get out. Don''t fall for any declarations of love, etc.... and you still love him, and making excuses for him. Sorry to be so bold, but am expert on Domestic Violence at my age! Pne thing I do have confidence posting about!


They are bullies - they break you down emotionally, as well as (usually later on) resorting to physical voilence.

I too was hospitalised by stbx (that means soon to be ex - yes, I wondered what that meant too - you''ll see it often referred to on this site.)

Now, VeryLost. you have your son to look after, can I suggest you google women''s aids groups? Are you on a shared computer ith him? Mine actually hacked into my PC.... I have to be so careful not to give too much info in case he is on here, seeing all I do, but I felt heartfelt drawn to come out of hiding and post.


Now, do you have family you could go to?
If so, that''s am optiom. I lied to my parents too about hpw I got my injuries over the years too, to protect them.
But it gets worse - believe me - once they start they DO get worse.

Your best bet is to leave with your baby son. Remove yourself frrom the psychological damage, and the imminent constant fear of another assualt ( that is what it is, if you are strong enough to go to police)

As Felix said, hello, Felix, btw.

You need to remove yourself from what is danger to your mental health and physical health. This does mean physically going, packing your and baby''s stuff up.

If you have -really - no family, friends to go to, you need to fight back and get what is called a non -molestation order. if it is that bad.

Not being ageist but you sound young: sorry in advance if I am mistaken but you and your son can start again.

I cant being the age I am.

I see your pain in your long email, and I so identify. If on shared PC, do not email from that, they are controlling, these sort of men. Better still, I don''t know where you are, but flick through Yellow Pages re Womem''s Refuges - don''t use your own phone,mobile, anything he will check '' to keep you in place''....

Use a public phone box and call numbers you can find by googling. This site is for people already in midst of divorce, not that you are not welcome, but you need urgent advice that could be best sought by advice lines/sites for abused women. And as I say, don''t know where you are in the country, but you need to remove youself and your baby - it will only get worse, sorry to say but oh so true. So chck out yellow pages.... and google as much as you can when allowed out, hmm, take this from me, I really do empathise.

Your first step is gettng your self and you baby out of there. Look into non molestation order, if you are frightned of him.

I cant say anymore. As you can see by the mispellings, I never do, I fear that he hacks in to my PC. even npw.

I don''t want to enter into further correspondence with you, lost, since you need to work out for yourself, basically. I jave only given you advice re my own experience andhope it helps.

I hav e yto go nowm since being corutped corrupted.... I habe only exspressed my opinion........ I think he hacks into here. hence the spelong mostakes! Got tp go. nut as mucj p;der wonan , just get outside help in secrest. sev secreat. secret. My PC as I speak is beubg corruted.

got to go, ;pst lost. get outside helo in secret.

  • MrsSadness
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07 Aug 12 #347771 by MrsSadness
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Was getting - what I thought was corruption, transpired, I had wrong bifocals on, hence was doing my own typos, thank God! You sound young, but when you get old like me, you need bifocals, and that is testament to how paranoid I am, IE:'' he hacks into''. ''my words jumbled.'' just my glasses. bi focals take some getting used to re someone already as blind as a bat anyway... So glad to see, not being hacked into, more a case of own typos due to these damn bifocals.. anyway, back to you -

Anyway, hope I have managed to give you practical advise. Up to you what you do. at the end of the day. You just take care of yourself and your baby on day today basic, and make sure you eat- important - I dont think I had proper meal for a year during my depression. But anyway, my advice to you, is try to eat, also to go and see your dr...

I need to retire to my bed now, but hope this helped. I am not going to be able to reply to you again, since I have my own f fish to fry!

You take care now: as a much older woman. I think! My advice is not worth a jot, and just on here at something like 3 am in the morning, sleep does not come easy to most of us..

Going now. I really am falling asleep over teh PC.. There is so much help out there, Lost.. just gald it was my new glasses not being hacked into,,, lol

Take care, love.
B)

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