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Hello all

  • Saint1976
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07 Aug 12 #347878 by Saint1976
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Hi all, my life has been in turmoil since my wife of nearly 17 years (18.5 years together)told me 3 months ago she didnt love me anymore and wanted out. We didn''t separate straight away as we had 2 week holiday booked which we didn''t want to cancel for the kid''s sake (3 boys aged 12, 10 and 8)plus she said she wanted counselling (on her own) before making any final decision. She has since admitted she just said this to make me feel better!
We told the children about a month ago (incredibly difficult and emotional) and I moved out. Since then the sheer enormity of the change in my life both now and in the future has really hit me. I have had to borrow money to live in rented accommodation whilst continuing to pay the mortgage and all the bills on the house. From what I have read on here I am not sure I did the right thing by leaving the house; she said she would if I wanted her to but I think this would have caused more difficulties.
I can''t understand how she is so certain she is doing the right thing and whether she has really considered all the turmoil this is causing. She has never once hinted at changing her mind and when questionned just says she has been thinking about it for a long time and there is no going back. Once the house is sold neither of us have a clue where we are going to live.

It is really killing me not living with the kids and although, in theory, I can see them as much as I want it is not the same as being under the same roof as them and being part of thier daily lives.
At present I am trying to get through each day at a time but it is very difficult especially evening and first thing in the mornings. I have not slept properly for weeks. It is hard to see a meaningful future but I have to believe that time will heal and there will be better times ahead. It''s only the children that is keeping me going at the moment.
Sorry to ramble and if you have taken the time to read this, thank you
D

  • happyagain
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07 Aug 12 #347882 by happyagain
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Time will heal and things will get better. I promise you.
When I joined this site, my tagname was sadgirl, now it is happyagain. I could not imagine, in the depths of my grief, how life could ever get better but it did and its even better now than it was before.
But enough about me! I think moving out maybe wasn''t the right thing to do and as it was only a month ago, perhaps you could move back in? At least until finances are sorted / house is sold / a contact schedule is drawn up and approved for the kids. Your wife needs to realise that until the moment of getting your Absolute, all debts and assets are to be split so if you are killing yourself financially, it will affect her. It is also unfair on you to have this financial strain when she wanted out. I''m sorry to have to ask this but do you suspect she has someone else?

  • afonleas
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07 Aug 12 #347892 by afonleas
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Welcome Saint,
I say welcome,but also so sorry that you find yourself here,but you are amongst friends and will find a trmendous support network both with legalities and emotional.
The feeling that you experiance in the beginning is horrendous,I felt as though my heart had been ripped out,trod on and been put back the wrong way,obviously I still had a heart as i was breathing,when I really did not want to.
As you will read from posts,we all go through the full range of emotions at differant stages of this journey,and this journey takes as long as it takes,everyone is differant.
I really think you need to talk to your wife about going back home,as you cannot afford to be in this situation,and you do not want to be worrying about money at a time like this.
Yes sleep is all so evasive,but as time goes on things do improve,maybe we learn to accept our situation more,but okay maybe a cliche, time is a great healer and things do get better!!!!

Take care of yourself
Luv and cwtchs
Afon xx.........................

  • Saint1976
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07 Aug 12 #347895 by Saint1976
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It is possible there is someone else although she denies this (not that she would tell me anyway). I do find it strange that she is going through all this upheaval without having some future plan as she is just not like that.The reason for me moving out was to keep it as amicable as possible for the children as she said we couldn''t stay under the same roof and it didn''t seem her leaving was a viable option. The problem is at the time you think you are doing the right thing, I just wish I''d discovered this site before making the decision. I have thought about moving back in and taking the consequences but I just really want to keep everything as civil as possible but without me having to be the one who makes all the concessions.

  • Saint1976
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07 Aug 12 #347896 by Saint1976
Reply from Saint1976
Thanks Afon, I appreciate the reponse. I have also taken great comfort over the last week reading about other peoples experiences on this site and realising in most cases there does seem to be a way forward, even if some take a bit longer than others

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07 Aug 12 #347919 by happyagain
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Well moving out is the biggest concession you can make when you are not the one who initiated the split. It puts you in a weaker position both with contact with the children and with money - the 2 biggest things that any separating couple fall out about.
Could you perhaps move into one of the children''s bedrooms for the short term?

  • Now Gone From Wiki
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07 Aug 12 #347930 by Now Gone From Wiki
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Hi Saint,

You are looking for answers when there are none to be had. You are probably doing a lot of ''what ifs'' (for example, what if I had been more loving or what if she has got someone else). I find the constant analysis the most hard to bear and the most tiring.

In time most of the truth will come out but I suspect that there will be questions that haunt you for the rest of your life and you need to learn to live with them.

The advice about getting back into the family home is sound and I would do it as quickly as you could. Be aware of any tricks that might be used to get you thrown out, such as pretending you''ve assaulted or threatened her. As it stands, you will find it very difficult if things deteriorate to get to see your kids if you are out of the house, so get back in.

The hardest thing is to try not to tear yourself apart with the questions. It is likely that even your wife doesn''t know the answers to many of them. It is a traumatic and stressful time for everyone and I wish you all the best in your struggle.

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