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I''m 54 sad,lonely,terrified.

  • freeeee
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13 Aug 12 #349212 by freeeee
Topic started by freeeee
:(Hi, I am 54,& as I said in the subject section, I am sad, lonely & terrified about the divorce,& the thought of living on my own.
He wants the divorce,but tells me he has not yet put the papers in.He wants to wait until the house has all necassary repair work done,& the house is decorated, so that we can put it on the market.
We have been married for 30yrs.He tells me that he no longer loves me & that we should have divorced 5-10yrs ago. WELL THANKS FOR THAT, now that I am 10yrs older.My husband was in the Military ''til about 5yrs ago.We moved from 1 end of country to the other as he had a job here.We bought a house here(1st house )My dream to be able to put our own mark on the place.We have worked hard on it, & have spent quite a bit of money doing it up.....
Don''t know wether this is to long an intro?So I''ll finish here before I go on and on..

  • maisymoos
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13 Aug 12 #349216 by maisymoos
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Welcome to wiki, you have come to the right place, but sorry that you find yourself here.

You will get lots of support. It is very early days for you and you will be feeling a whole array of emotions, confusion, fear and worry.

Have you suggested you and husband attend counselling such as Relate, do you know why your husband says he is not happy?

  • pixy
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13 Aug 12 #349223 by pixy
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Welcome. There are a surprising number of us oldies in the same boat. You will still be in shock so make sure you take care of yourself. Your stbx has probably got the ''grass is greener'' syndrome; he''ll probably wake up one day and realise that the grass is the same colour wherever, but by then it will be too late.

It is hard starting over, but you can do it. One tiny step at a time ... Take heart - it really does get better. You will find it helps to keep all contact to an Absolute minimum.

When you feel up to it post details of your finances and some of the more knowledgeable wikipeeps wil advise you.

  • Action
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13 Aug 12 #349225 by Action
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A big welcome and warm wishes.

Just to reinforce what Pixy said that you are not alone in facing this after a long marriage. I was 54 and had been married for over 31 years when the wotsit hit the fan. I''m now 55 and a good way into my journey. It''s not easy but you will get lots of help on here. Are you still sharing the home?

  • Canuck425
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13 Aug 12 #349230 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Early days for you so your job right now is to survive each day. Don''t be afraid of the future. It will come and it will be fine. Really. Don''t even think about the future right now. Think about you and what is good for you.

Also, so often, "I don''t love you anymore" is code for "I''m having an affair and it is amazing". Get ready for that possibility. It doesn''t really change anything but will come as an additional emotional hit if it is indeed true. If he starts getting angry and blaming the breakdown of the marriage 100% on you then the odds just went up significantly.

Here is some early guidance I share with people just starting out.


1. Get support. I talked to a LOT of people but I was very careful who I told what to. Most people were so ready to support me which was awesome but the ones that knew both of us really didn''t want to get into the details. I was very specific with the kind of support I needed from different individuals. From some I needed to have a laugh. From others I needed them to listen. From others still I needed their opinion. Others I needed them to feed me. etc. The key for me was to talk, talk, talk. I have probably talked to a hundred people that have been through something similar. Understanding that there is a script to these things was quite eye opening to me. Knowing that the leaver will deny, blame and justify helped me. Knowing that a lot of the garbage that comes out of their mouths not only is not true but has no basis in reality helped as well.

2. Get away. As soon as I was healthy enough I went away on a trip to the sun. Soon after that I went away again to visit family and childhood friends. This was very, very good. Just get away for a few days even. Get some space. I like long drives and have done a few solo trips with 6+ hour drives through the mountains. Getting away like that brings me back to my 20s and is very healing for me.

3. Don''t beg, it is as pathetic as it sounds. I had a few bad moments when I was begging her to reconsider. It was pathetic. When she was in the "fantasy bubble" as I like to call it there is no reason that will be considered. You have to realise at that moment, in their minds, everything is going to be amazing. They''ve never been this happy. Never. So let it go. The fantasy will wear off eventually and then you can see where you are.

4. Take care of you. This is the biggest one. Be kind and patient with yourself. Put yourself first. Really first. Not your kids, but you. It''s like on the airplane when they say put the oxygen mask on you first. You have to take care of you then you will be fit enough to take care of others in your life. This will take time and a lot of hard work. It''s worth it. Why? Because you''re worth it. You. Can you commit to taking care of you? This is a very new concept for so many people. Can you truly love yourself? Can you look into yourself and see a person of value? A person worthy of love?

5. Know that you''ll be more than ok. You''ll be awesome. Honest. The future is not yet written and you have a huge hand in it. The best path forward is making your life great.

Another interesting thing I learned is that the stories are not particularly unique. In fact, the more I talk to others that have been through this, the more the stories are all so sickeningly similar. Honestly, I have not truly moved on but I am doing ok. I have learned a ton about myself and the type of person I am. I have looked deeply into myself and started to understand my role in all of this. Why did I allow myself to be treated so poorly? How did the total breakdown in communication contribute to the environment? I think you move on, if that is even the right phrase, by doing the work on you. What was your role? Who are you and who do you want to be?

One more thing. Stop reading so many books on this subject. Get out and have more fun! This is your life and you get to choose what happens next! Commit to being awesome.

I have no doubt that I am going to come through this stronger. That is my 100% commitment to myself.

  • sun flower
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13 Aug 12 #349231 by sun flower
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I''m another more mature person 47 when it started for me after 27 years and 49 now.

It is the most horrible thing. Rely on your friends - you will need your support network. Dont''t be afraid to ask.

It may be that you feel he left because you were ''worthless'' etc. Let me tell you - the exes at this stage in life lie to justify their actions. It is very very hard but promise me you will start to believe in yourself. I''m not sure if you have children. Some are a support, and some aren''t.

I have two book recommendations for you.

Runaway Husband by Vikki Stark


Rebuilding after a relationship ends -Fisher and Alberti.

The strength of the emotions may be stronger than you have ever felt before, I really didn''t understand that emotional pain could feel like physical pain until this started - and there is not damn pain killer. You just have to hold on.

One of my coping techniques was to have a laptop by the bed and listen to programmes on i player to try to while away the long nights.

Try moving furniture if you can.

Keep blogging / posting - it helps.

  • MrsSadness
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13 Aug 12 #349256 by MrsSadness
Reply from MrsSadness
Yes, sorry to hear you find yourself on here, but as previous posters have said, you will find a lot of support in here. Best wishes.

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