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Why am i to feel like a ****

  • Darkskies
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15 Aug 12 #349708 by Darkskies
Topic started by Darkskies
So im still not living at home and today my wife tells me she does not know if she loves me anymore, not really sure how much of the knife there is left to stick in me. So she doesnt know why she is not happy before she asked me to leave so she made an appointment with the health nurse as we only had a baby 8 weeks ago. And my wife think she may have PND. Anyways bumped into the nurse who would not tell me a thing and spoke to me like i was crap. Surely i have a right to know if my wife is depressed seeing as she is now alone with my 2 babies. anyways my wife tells me she is depressed but from breaking our marriage and nothing else according to the nurse. Everyone is rallying around her work is phoning her, everyone making sure she is ok. But i am the victim living in my dads spare room away from the babies while she has all the luxuries of the home and all the time with the babies. Not one person asks how i am. According to my wife i have done no wrong and its all her. I asked her family for support and get told to "be an adult". I mean WTF. i would like to see anyone be happy to be forced away from their babies (2yr old and 8 week old). Especially when i havent done a thing wrong. 7 years together 5 year marriage and everything we worked for down the drain.

  • Marshy_
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15 Aug 12 #349713 by Marshy_
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Hi DS.

Ok there are two issues here. Access to the kids and the wife. And they are very separate issues.

The kids. You have a right to see the kids. And you should press for those rights. No one can stop you seeing those kids.

The wife. She may have PND. And women with that have special needs and she will attract a lot of attention and people will want to help her. PND is a well recognised problem and can lead to all sorts of things.

What I reckon you should do is this. Try and arainge visitation with your kids. At least once a week. But I reckon as you have such a small baby, at least once every couple of days. Even if its for an hour. Contact with a baby is very important to get and keep that bond. You are dad. And you should be allowed to be dad.

Your bound to be upset about what your wife has said to you. But your wife probably has PND. And this means that she wont be acting normally. So what I reckon is you cut her some slack, to get some treatment for the PND and or work out where her head is at. You keep pushing her, just pushes her further away. I am sorry mate. But this is the way it is.

If you just leave her be, she can work things out for herself. And chances are, it will all be OK. Just give her some time and space to work it out and what she feels.

The nurse wont tell you anything mate. Its patient / clinician confidentiality. C.

  • minxy1912
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15 Aug 12 #349714 by minxy1912
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hiya, i get what your saying and feeling, but in the nicest possable way this isnt about you. I get that its breaking your heart not seeing your babys,but as a suffer of PND i know how hard it was,i didnt reject my husband,i rejected my son,also a bad time for my husband at the time. You need to man up, find a confidant to talk to,but dont show it to your wife,koz belive me if you do,you will push here further away. Ask for acsess to your babies,ask how she is,but other wise dont make her out to be the bad one,koz if she has got PND her head will be a shed.
all the best. Minxy

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15 Aug 12 #349720 by WhiteRose
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Darkskies wrote:

So im still not living at home and today my wife tells me she does not know if she loves me anymore, not really sure how much of the knife there is left to stick in me. So she doesnt know why she is not happy before she asked me to leave so she made an appointment with the health nurse as we only had a baby 8 weeks ago. And my wife think she may have PND. Anyways bumped into the nurse who would not tell me a thing and spoke to me like i was crap. Surely i have a right to know if my wife is depressed seeing as she is now alone with my 2 babies. anyways my wife tells me she is depressed but from breaking our marriage and nothing else according to the nurse. Everyone is rallying around her work is phoning her, everyone making sure she is ok. But i am the victim living in my dads spare room away from the babies while she has all the luxuries of the home and all the time with the babies. Not one person asks how i am. According to my wife i have done no wrong and its all her. I asked her family for support and get told to "be an adult". I mean WTF. i would like to see anyone be happy to be forced away from their babies (2yr old and 8 week old). Especially when i havent done a thing wrong. 7 years together 5 year marriage and everything we worked for down the drain.


Hugs!

It isn''t easy, BUT you have to stop thinking about you and how you feel and start thinking about your wife and what you can do to support her, help her, do what is necessary to make her feel better.

The reason everyone is rallying round her is that she needs the support, believe me its vitally important that people are supporting you after giving birth. Your hormones are everywhere, you feel tired, emotional, your body is still sore, you feel inadequate etc etc.

Playing Devils Advocate - her family aren''t worried about you or how you''re coping, their deeply concerned about her and your comments may make you seem selfish and inconsiderate.

It does hurt you and it does affect you, but this is a tough patch you need to dig deep and work through, she needs you to do this for your family - even though its not totally obvious.

The actions of anyone suffering from PND, Depression or anything similar do not think rationally the whole time, they are terrible illnesses, if she had a broken leg, you''d sacrifice certain things to enable her to be comfortable, you''d look after her, even if it meant putting your own needs, feelings and emotions to one side. Think of what she is suffering from as something worse, where even though she may not be able to ask for your help, she still needs it.

You need to re-prioritise how you feel, you need to put your feelings further down the list and use all the sympathy and empathy you have to show her you are there for her.

Your marriage is not down the drain, but I think your actions now will display to her whether it will stand the test of time.

  • Marshy_
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16 Aug 12 #349890 by Marshy_
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Hi WR

WhiteRose wrote:

The actions of anyone suffering from PND, Depression or anything similar do not think rationally the whole time, they are terrible illnesses,


My friend suffers from depression. She has all her life. She is medicated. But she is on them off them on them off them. When she is off them, she is a nightmare. But I know this and I know her. And I make allowances for it. She has bouts of self loathing and self harms. At times she will dress like a tart and other times like your granny. Swings from one extreme to the next. But at times, when she is medicated and its working well, she is the sweetest nicest person you could meet. At other times, nothing you do is right. Its hard work at times.


My friend is the 1st person I met with depression. Ok, I know a few more now. One other person with Bi-Polar also. She is fine. Well medicated and you wouldn''t know she suffers with that.

But depression is awful. I suffered with reactive depression 6 years ago. That was terrible. I hate to think what real depression is like. And we think that rejecting a baby is bad. But the person that is suffering with PND cant help it. Its not her fault.

The thing with depression is that its linked with madness and has this stigma attached to it. You are not mad if you have depression. Its just a chemical imbalance in the brain. People that have depression cant help the way they are. But as a society, we dont make allowances for people with depression. And that has to change. As depression is on the rise. C.

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