Don''t know which way to jump

Scaryclarie hit the nail on the head once again. I wonder how many people in a long marriage do actually ''feel'' the same?

The passion had certainly gone out of my marriage a long time ago. I was going to say on my side and not his but I actually think it was both sides. His ''passion'' became merely fulfilling a physical desire on a daily basis. That aside, I do believe that relationships change as people grow old together. It makes me weep when I see elderly couples hand-in-hand who so obviously respect and cherish each other. Why can''t we all work through this transition from the first flush of love and passion, remember what we have shared with children and grandchildren and just build on that for the future.

My ex husband has painted a picture of me as being a demon (just like SC says) when I have done nothing wrong (except for not satisfying his, quote: ''conjugal rights'' LOL). It has almost destroyed me and my grandchildren almost lost their Grandma as a result. I would have tried to work at it but did not have the opportunity. Maybe if we had tried and then agreed between us that there was no point, then all this demonising would not have happened and we could have had some sort of civil relationship, even if only for the sake of the children. The outcome is very much different in that I do not wish to have any contact with the man who was my husband for over 30 years.

So, think carefully about how many people in a marriage still have ''that feeling'' and how long ''that feeling'' could be sustained in another relationship.

hi my reply is definitely tainted as my husband has ruined our 30 year long relationship the one thing i would say which was actually said to me by our 18 year old daughter when she found out about her fathers affair with a woman half his age who he had met on a business trip abroad was if she is so wonderful and marvellous why doesnt she have a boyfriend in her own country and why would she want a boyriend who lives abroad.......my husbands woman turned out to be a manipulative prostitute...so at least that was the answer to that question.

Firstly I agree with the poster who said think about you, deal with your issues first (rather than transfer things onto your wife) what is really the problem - what has changed, what do you want, what can you do to get the relationship where you want it to be.

Secondly - if there is a slim glimmer of hope for your marriage - give it a go. 100%.

Talk, talk and talk some more - communication is the key - for both of you to talk and the other to listen, to hear what is being said, only once you are both honest and open can things be tackled.

However if you truly feel your marriage is over (after trying the above), there is little point continuing it. I have read here people who have stayed for some time in a ''sham'' marriage - loveless and staying ''for the kids'' it ends anyway - you will be delaying the inevitable. If you decide to end it, do it with empathy and sensitivity.

Personally I don''t think people should stay in a marriage because they have been made to feel guilty or that they ''should''. You need to stay because you WANT to 100%.

It has been several days since I started this topic and I have given the situation a lot of thought. I have talked to friends, researched, and basically sat down with myself and written the pros and cons out several times, trying to make a decision.

In the end, the decision I have come to is to kick the OW into touch and focus on repairing my marriage. My wife and I have put too much into this and there is just too much at stake for me to seriously consider any other avenue. It just does not make sense.

So, thankyou everyone for your comments; I wish you all the best.

For all of your sakes rocketkirk - I really hope you find a way forward - I would encourage you not just to put it behind you because your pros and cons list came out that way, but address why YOU felt like that - and explore, without transference why that feeling has emerged - otherwise it is a feeling that is simply suppressed and those sort of feelings have a way of lurking and growing just below the surface and then emerging as a big pussy boil

On that rather graphic note - I really wish you good luck. I wouldn''t wish this hell on any family.

rocketkirk wrote:

It has been several days since I started this topic and I have given the situation a lot of thought. I have talked to friends, researched, and basically sat down with myself and written the pros and cons out several times, trying to make a decision.

In the end, the decision I have come to is to kick the OW into touch and focus on repairing my marriage. My wife and I have put too much into this and there is just too much at stake for me to seriously consider any other avenue. It just does not make sense.

So, thankyou everyone for your comments; I wish you all the best.

This last post seems to have been written from duty rather than love, however I truly hope you can work through things. Good luck in repairing your marriage.

WR