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  • Patrick1979
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23 Aug 12 #351506 by Patrick1979
Topic started by Patrick1979
Hi all,

So I have finally admitted to myself I need some help, hoping someone out there is in the same boat as me, has lived through it, or has some words of wisdom.

So what''s my story...Apologies if I waffle I have no idea what I need to get out of my system...

Firstly I should probably admit it is my fault I am here. I made a decision that has changed the lives of myself, my wife and my child forever. Many of you will think I''m scum, and that is understandable, I am not proud of myself and I live in shame each day. But I have no regrets.

Me and my wife separated 7 months ago, it was my decision to leave and the reason was that I had fallen in love with someone else. That sounds cliche or cheesy I dunno, but I guess it''s the truth. I met someone else that gave me feelings I had never experienced before, it was too difficult to ignore.

I know I''m in the wrong but I hope some of you will see I will be suffering and need some help.

I have been married 2 years but together for nearly 9 years. We have a 2 year old child.

I am currently back at home and have been for 7 months, I obviously feel really bad and have been supporting the household by continuing to pay everything i used to. This month we have come to the agreement that I pay half the mortgage and a lump sum of maintenance. (we have closed joint account, i am paying my debts, and she is paying hers, I am also paying majotrity of child care out of salary). This means I could probably save over the next few month, get stable and find a place of my own to rent early next year. I have caused enough hurt and do not want to be a complete ***** and leave them struggling or force them to move. I am not a bad person. I have lost most of my friends and I was really close to all of her family. I have let everyone down. I forgot to say I see my child lots and have her overnight twice a week and all day one day of the weekend.

However, my situation is obviously far from ideal in regards to my new relationship, we are getting on great, I adore her and we have fun together and there is some hope thing will work out. But things are not perfect, there are strains i can sense as I am still married (so cannot really meet her family) and I have connections to my wife as things are amicable and i am still providing a reasonable payment each month that may restrict us in the future,

I never want to push the subject of divorce, as I understand it I think it is up to my wife to file for divorce as I''m the one in the wrong? Else I have to wait two years as separated? If I try and get things moving I am concerned my wife may just use the hurt and anger to make things awkward and potentially cause more delays.. She has mention divorce but do I let her take it in her own time or do I press, I do not want to kick her when she is down, I do care and I am feeling bad, but we both need to free ourselves and move on.

What the hell do I do? I am stuck and scared that I am just gonna make everything worse and perhaps affect my new relationship irreparably.

hope someone can relate to this and can share some tips. Sorry if I waffled.


  • Canuck425
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23 Aug 12 #351512 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Wow, there is a lot of pain in your post. A lot of guilt and shame as well but it''s the pain that struck me.

There are a lot of people on here that have been left that have been cheated on, myself included. Being cheated on is horrible, it''s a violation of trust that I never expected. Being left is no fun either.

However, it''s interesting. It often seems to me that the person left ends up doing better than the cheater or the person leaving. I think this is because the person left has the opportunity to take a huge deep breath and take stock of their life. To take the time to be alone and really question what they want out of life and how they''re going to get there.

I don''t think you''re scum or a bad person. How would I know? You sound confused and in pain. I can pretty much guarantee that your new relationship will be affected by the upcoming drama. I read that 97% of all affairs end up not working. That''s pretty predictable. So the "affair bubble" where everything is super and exciting will pop and then you''ll get to see where you are.

You will know your ex forever as you have a kid together. It sounds like you see the kid a little - not a lot. For example I have my kids 6/14 nights in a two week time span. That''s not even quite enough for me but it will have to do. Parenting takes time and commitment but that''s for another post.

What should you do? Well, you need to clear your head and decided what you really want. I wonder if you can clear your head at all with this other woman around? Do you really want to end your marriage? I''m not sure from your post. If yes - then get that done quickly. Be honest and genuine with your wife. Take some of the blame. Be kind and thoughtful as you divide assets and provide for the family. Be a father to your child. That means being present and teaching that child through your actions what is is to be a man.

I think that one should always end one relationship before starting another. Leaving someone for another person just sounds like a bad idea. How can you be sure of yourself if you never have time alone? To really understand what your role was in the breakdown of this marriage? If you don''t understand this then you are going to make the same mistakes again with the next person!

However, life and love are messy. Your life just got very complex. Remember to think about your child. That child needs a father and needs you to be present. That is more important than your new love interest. Really. A lot more important. So many men move to the next woman, have another kid and then basically forget the first kid. I''ve seen it happen and it''s cruel.

So good luck. I would not want to be in your shoes. I think I would rather be the left than the leaver. I would rather be cheated on than the cheater. Not because it makes me high and mighty or better than the other side. Not at all. But because I have seen the guilt and shame and self loathing that comes from being the cheater and the leaver.

It takes time and a lot of work to come through this emotionally fitter. A lot of digging into yourself to really understand why this happened and what your role was. Men, I think, are very reluctant to do that work.

  • Shoegirl
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24 Aug 12 #351573 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
Welcome to wikivorce

Firstly, I should point out I was left rather than a leaver. However, your post struck a chord with me and I wanted to add my thoughts. I am not judging you, I want to help.

I''m significantly down the road of divorce, ive been separated for 20 months and am now very nearly there with the legal side of things. So I speak as someone who has been through a lot and mostly come out the other side better than before.

Some observations on your post firstly. You say you experience guilt and shame every day then in the same sentence you state that you have no regrets. Certainly, you might not have regrets about ending your marriage, you perhaps carry huge amounts of guilt and shame about the way you ended your marriage. I can see its tough for you to live with that.

I''d recommend counselling to work through some of these feelings. They do not go away on their own.

I think your new relationship is just adding to the pressure. Your marriage, and impending divorce is contaminating your new relationship. You are still married, things are raw and unresolved. Your are adding yet further pressure on to yourself by rushing headlong into this new relationship. Please ask yourself why? New relationships are full of intensity, infactuation and untainted by the demands of real life. It''s easy to mistake this intensity for true intimacy and perhaps believe that we have not experienced this type of thing before. At some point, real life gets in the way and now you are facing the emotional fallout of your choices. The sad reality is that good people make bad choices. You are accepting responsbiliity for your bad choices and that takes bravery. You deserve credit for that.

It seems you are overwhelmed with guilt because of your actions. Bravo for recognising this and wanting to resolve it. Many who experience guilt project thIs on to others as anger and things get ugly. You are at least getting in touch with your feelings so you have a chance to prevent further damage to your wife family and the other woman.

So what to do. I think actually, the best thing you can do is be on your own. If this new relationship is so right, it will be something you can put on hold until you are properly ready to commit and can offer the new lady what she is looking for. Because you will have pressure from the new lady to divorce etc before you might be ready to face all of that.

Do you have the courage to be on your own? Ask yourself if you are being fair to anyone in this, perhaps most of all yourself. Being alone will at least you can resolve the matters with your marriage and divorce without experieincing pressure from anyone else. Perhaps then you can move into your new life at a pace that is right for you and your wife and family and emerge ready for a new life without experiecing guilt or shame because of your actions. If your new relationship is right, then your lady should understand that you need space and that there are no gurarantees for the future.

The way out of this as far as I can see is to be alone at least until you resolve matters. The sad truth is I have seen many come and go on this site and ask similar questions. Most don''t take the advice and limp on, never to be heard of on wiki again, because the reality of living alone is just too difficult. I wonder if you can buck the trend and do the right thing mostly for your own sake actually. Because if you don''t the guilt will destroy your new relationship. I mentioned counselling too, to help you come to terms with what has happened and support you to establish a new life alone for now.

I''ve been on my own since the separation and it has been the single most liberating life lesson to know I can live alone and just be content with me. I''m truly content, it''s very hard at first,I won''t lie. But my goodness, I''m so glad I stuck with it. Because I now know the truth, I don''t need a relationship in my life to make me happy.

  • leanng
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24 Aug 12 #351582 by leanng
Reply from leanng

Thank you for such a good posting. People need to read and digest everything you have said.

i have been separated 20 months too and well on the way with the legal side. the emotions that you go through are unbelievable. i am a strong person but at times, i wanted to just run away from it all.

i have emerged a very strong, compassionate person and know i am happy with myself.

  • soulruler
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24 Aug 12 #351583 by soulruler
Reply from soulruler
I agree with the other posters that the intensity of a new relationship can cloud your judgement. It may cloud the strengths of the relationship you have left and it may also cloud the potential strengths of the new relationship you have entered into.

Infatuation may also blind you to the real character of the person you have fallen in love with - fallen - consider that word and the hidden meaning that lies within.

I agree, hard as it may be hear that you should not fall headlong into living with this new lady but take your time, reflect on your considerable emotions, remember that your wife and you are remaining amicable (may of us who have been betrayed on here have found our departing spouses to be anything else but amicable - so that is a positive warning bell for you for what you are potentially throwing away and the guilt - think about it - what is your inner self really attempting to say?)

You come across as not only honest but I would say brave so rather than being overwhelmed with guilt and doubt - take a step back - have time out from the infatuation - I agree get into counselling.

You have decided not to contact your new partners family - you say out of guilt and respect for the fact that you are still married. What are you afraid of if you do see them? Are you frightened that they might condemn you? Are you frightened that you might not like what you see in them? Do you think that they may have an opinion on their own daughter which you might not find favourable.

Welcome to wiki.

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