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Anger Management Again

  • Sam72
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24 Aug 12 #351553 by Sam72
Topic started by Sam72
Once again, help from you fine citizens required. In a nutshell Wife unhappy, wife had affair, wife left me and took my two boys. I can deal with the leaving me, I can deal with losing my boys,just. But I can''t deal with the AFFAIR. I still feel sick when I think about it. Anyway, it''s school holidays and my week to have the boys, Ju calls to say wouldn''t it be nice to meet up today at mine for a meal and DVD . As soon as she suggested it I felt sick ,really stressed, the thought of playing happy families for an hour or two really stressed me out. I think it''s the fact that she seems kinda cool with it and I''m way behind.
Anyone know anything I can do to not feel so stressed, how can I make my life feel complete again? The thought of meeting her at her place or mine fills me with dread, but meeting at a cinema, restaurant or neutral territory, I can deal with. Help me make sense of it all, please!!!

  • Canuck425
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24 Aug 12 #351564 by Canuck425
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It''s really helped me to understand just how prevalent affairs are and generally why they happen. Then I can make the leap to it was not really about me at all but about her. I know this to be true. From there I have turned inward and examined my role in the breakdown of our marriage. What did I do to help us get to the point just before she cheated. Lots, I did lots! Then I really want to understand why I did that.

For me, I am desperate to learn about me through all of this. What kind of man am I and how do I want to react? What example do I want to set for my children? Where do I want my life to be and how will I get there? I still find myself thinking about her actions from time to time but mostly I think about me. Putting me first and doing things that are good for me.

The above seems to be working for me. I think I am healing well and will come out of this emotionally fitter. Your mileage may vary...

  • rugby333
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24 Aug 12 #351565 by rugby333
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Sam,

I seriously feel for you: it sounds like having to do a presentation when you have panic attacks about the prospect of public speaking!

What would your advice be to someone who hates public speaking?

  • Elphie
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24 Aug 12 #351584 by Elphie
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I may be out of line here as I haven''t had / experienced any thing to do with affairs, but if you don''t feel comfortable meeting her for a meal etc, then don''t. You don''t need to do this, not for your boy,s sake and certainly not for her. I wonder if playing happy family''s for an hour or two makes her feel better, like she has your forgiveness.
Canuck has some really good advise for dealing with how you are feeling right now, but do it for yourself. Don''t do let her pressure you into doing things you don''t feel comfortable doing, you can keep the lines of communication open enough for the boys, without spending drawn out lengths of time with her,

  • pixy
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24 Aug 12 #351630 by pixy
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Don''t go. This stuff about meeting up and being friendly is a standard ploy. It makes them feel better about themselves; they apparently have no understanding of the level of stress it imposes on their betrayed partners. I told mine outright that I did not wish to see him again and I think you probably need to do the same - with the caveat of course that you are prepared to meet amicably as and when absolutely necessary for the children''s sake.

  • Stumpylad70
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24 Aug 12 #351677 by Stumpylad70
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I do have to agree with the above. If you dont feel comfortable meeting in a certain place then dont. Find somewhere that is neutral and meet there. Psycologically there is no advantage to anyone that way. Putting you on edge gives the other side an advantage. That may not be the game plan, but it is a fact that you will feel uncomfortable and more likely to agree to something that is not in your best interests to allow you to get out of the situation.

Never underestimate people and their ability to turn anything to their advantage.

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