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  • positive41
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24 Aug 12 #351760 by positive41
Topic started by positive41
been separated for 6 months. have 4 kids. hubby left for another woman. he''s trying to be super dad, i''m in shock. when does the raw pain & hurt begin to subside???

  • Canuck425
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24 Aug 12 #351799 by Canuck425
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You get through it all at the pace you get through it. I''ve been separated for ten months and feel pretty good some of the time and not so good at other times. I''ve learned a lot about me in the past year and a bit since all this began. Overall, I''m doing ok but it takes a lot of work.

Here is the guidance I send to new people. It may or may not apply...

***********

I did lots of things wrong in the beginning of all of this but I did a few things right as well. All of the points below helped me move along.

1. Get support. I talked to a LOT of people but I was very careful who I told what to. Most people were so ready to support me which was awesome but the ones that knew both of us really didn''t want to get into the details. I was very specific with the kind of support I needed from different individuals. From some I needed to have a laugh. From others I needed them to listen. From others still I needed their opinion. Others I needed them to feed me. etc. The key for me was to talk, talk, talk. I have probably talked to a hundred people that have been through something similar. Understanding that there is a script to these things was quite eye opening to me. Knowing that the leaver will deny, blame and justify helped me. Knowing that a lot of the garbage that comes out of their mouths not only is not true but has no basis in reality helped as well.

2. Get away. As soon as I was healthy enough I went away on a trip to the sun. Soon after that I went away again to visit family and childhood friends. This was very, very good. Just get away for a few days even. Get some space. I like long drives and have done a few solo trips with 6+ hour drives through the mountains. Getting away like that brings me back to my 20s and is very healing for me.

3. Don''t beg, it is as pathetic as it sounds. I had a few bad moments when I was begging her to reconsider. It was pathetic. When she was in the "fantasy bubble" as I like to call it there is no reason that will be considered. You have to realise at that moment, in their minds, everything is going to be amazing. They''ve never been this happy. Never. So let it go. The fantasy will wear off eventually and then you can see where you are.

4. Take care of you. This is the biggest one. Be kind and patient with yourself. Put yourself first. Really first. Not your kids, but you. It''s like on the airplane when they say put the oxygen mask on you first. You have to take care of you then you will be fit enough to take care of others in your life. This will take time and a lot of hard work. It''s worth it. Why? Because you''re worth it. You. Can you commit to taking care of you? This is a very new concept for so many people. Can you truly love yourself? Can you look into yourself and see a person of value? A person worthy of love?

5. Know that you''ll be more than ok. You''ll be awesome. Honest. The future is not yet written and you have a huge hand in it. The best path forward is making your life great.

Another interesting thing I learned is that the stories are not particularly unique. In fact, the more I talk to others that have been through this, the more the stories are all so sickeningly similar. Honestly, I have not truly moved on but I am doing ok. I have learned a ton about myself and the type of person I am. I have looked deeply into myself and started to understand my role in all of this. Why did I allow myself to be treated so poorly? How did the total breakdown in communication contribute to the environment? I think you move on, if that is even the right phrase, by doing the work on you. What was your role? Who are you and who do you want to be?

One more thing. Stop reading so many books on this subject. Get out and have more fun! This is your life and you get to choose what happens next! Commit to being awesome.

I have no doubt that I am going to come through this stronger. That is my 100% commitment to myself.

Take good care of you.

  • MrsSadness
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25 Aug 12 #351813 by MrsSadness
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Positive - exellent advice there from Canuck, and thank you Canuck - I got something from your suggetions as well! As you say, Pos, you are still in shock and very early days. There is no hard and fast rule as to when you may start feeling better: it takes as long as it takes, I''m afraid. But welcome to this site. You are in right place for helpful advice and support, so I will just leave it there. Take care. Bye

  • Stumpylad70
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26 Aug 12 #352007 by Stumpylad70
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It is always a shock when something like this happens. It came as a hammer blow to me when my wife told me she wanted a divorce. That was only about 3 months ago and it still hurts like hell.

The main thing to do from my point of view is focus on yourself and your future. That is the only thing that matters.

Canuck''s advice is good though. Completely sound and good advice.

You will have good days and bad days but eventually the good days will outnumber the bad and you will probably not even realise it.

Take care of yourself.

  • positive41
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26 Aug 12 #352043 by positive41
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Its so good to hear people going through the same thing. I''m trying hard for the sake of the kids and this weekend was the first time that I laughed and just had fun and didn''t have my minding whirring continually!!! I only found out a few weeks ago another woman was involved and that was worse than when he left - my best friend no less. But how can someone you''ve been with for 24 years become such a stranger and so very unkind. I''m trying really hard to keep it amicable for the kids but I feel he''s trampling on me all the time. He was such a decent bloke, where did he go? But I''m beginning to look after myself a little bit more and my friends & family have been great. Its just the anxiety and heartbreak when I see him that''s hard to deal with.

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