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48, sad and confused

  • Suz567
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26 Aug 12 #352036 by Suz567
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Hi I am new to this site and new to forums in general so if I make a mistake please bear with me.

My husband left me 6 weeks ago out of the blue after a family holiday in Rome. Said he didn''t love me anymore, hadn''t for some time but didn''t know how to tell me. We have two children 19 and 16 and had been married for almost 24 yrs.

He has since moved out and is living in a flat closer to his work. We have started separation proceedings with collaborative law solicitors and are trying to remain amicable for our children.

But I am a wreck, I have completely fallen to pieces, can''t eat, can''t sleep, can''t believe that the man I have known since I was 20 years old can do this to me. When we have talked its like he has completely re-written our live together, I don''t recognise the relationship he describes, nor the person he has suddenly become. He is absolutely convinced that he does not and cannot love me again despite not really being able to give a proper reason for his decision, just wants to be on his own, lead his own life, make his own decisions he says. I keep going over and over everything wondering what I could have done to prevent this, why I didn''t realise he felt this way.

Its all such a mess we had a lovely home, two great kids, everything to look forward to and its all been destroyed. I will have to leave my home, live on a much reduced income, try and find a job (I''ve been a housewife by our mutual choice for 20 years) I just don''t know where to start, I cry all the time, my poor children, both at home for the summer hols don''t know what to do with me. I keep trying to be brave for them but its so hard. Husband just says he realises how I feel but can''t help me, just tells me I need to move on!

I''ve read alot of sound advice on this site and I do realise I need to keep going but its just so very very hard.

Thanks for reading
Suz567

  • positive41
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26 Aug 12 #352039 by positive41
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I only joined this site recently but i knoe exactly how you feel! My husband left in March after being together for 24 years and married for 17. I have 4 kids worked part-time and helped him establish a very successful business. He walked away with similar reasons, hadn''t loved me in a long time, couldn''t tell me, needed a break to find himself etc.It almost killed me. couldn@t eat still can''t sleep. Then 3 weeks ago found out he was having affair with my best friend, she left her husband and kids. I''ve managed to get myself a full-time job but he''s being mean to me, a super dad to his kids buying flash pressies all round and giving wads of cash to his new love, meanwhile I''m counting the pennies and trying to keep our large marital home going. But I''m having a few good days now. Keeping busy with the kids ans some laugher is returning. But I''ve never felt physical pain like it. Hang in there!!! Take one day at a time. Tell your friends because they can be a lifeline as can family. I know what you''re going through.

  • thisisthelasttime
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26 Aug 12 #352040 by thisisthelasttime
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Hi Suz

yes this site is amazing, some really lovely genuine people here. I was in the same boat as you are a number of months back. The pain is immense and you will naturally shed many tears. It will take time and support from your family and friends to pull you through this. You will get through it. Take one day at a time and be pleased when you get through it. Each day you will become stronger even though you may not see it. People do the strangest of things. My STBX decided to become great friends with my neighbour and frequently knocks at my door. I just dont answer anymore. I did answer for months before but each time it pulled me apart. Now I decide not to answer, I have taken control of me. This will happen to you in time. Keep positive. There will be some people on this site better qualified than I to guide you through your journey. Try and stay positive.:)

  • robinson25
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26 Aug 12 #352041 by robinson25
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Hi and welcome , this is all to familiar a story. You will not want to accept this but i would be very surprised if your husband does not have another woman on the scene.
Of course he will deny this but if not why the sudden hurry to go, the rewriting of history, ( mine told me he hadnt loved me for 15 years of our twenty year marriage). And i think the biggest thing is he doesnt want to try to save his marriage.


It is absolutely devastating and i remember so well the not eating, sleeping , and being able to function so well.

If i can give you some advice , please do not rush into anything at the moment you are not in a good place emotionally. I know i started mediation etc when i wasnt ready and it is my biggest regret that i didnt give myself more time.

Try and eat little and often, also sleep when you can, talk talk talk to friends and family. it is very cathartic. Dont think too far ahead things will get sorted bit by bit. Money is a worry esp with older children. Mine were 15 and 18 when he left.But it will get sorted.

And finally keep blogging on here it has bee a big help to me and many others, we understand exactly how you are feeling.

  • Suz567
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26 Aug 12 #352045 by Suz567
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Hi Thank you to you all. I am trying to be brave and sort myself out.

He swears there is no one else but I guess time will tell.

I really appreciate all your kind words and I will continue to use this site. I think it could be a lifeline for me during the journey ahead. I need to talk to people who understand what I''m going through. My family are trying to help but separation and divorce are not something they are familiar with and it has come as a shock to everyone.

I still love my husband, or at least the man I thought he was all these years. I am finding it difficult to comprehend that this is actually happening. But I hope that one day I will be able to see everything more clearly.

Thank you again for your support and sound advice.

  • NoWhereToTurnl
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26 Aug 12 #352051 by NoWhereToTurnl
Reply from NoWhereToTurnl
Dear Suz567,

I am so sorry about your situation and know how painful this is. I was with my exh for 35 years, he denied having an affair, even under oath in 2005 when he & OW had bought a house in joint names late 2004.

You are doing the right thing by looking after yourself as best you can and all of us would hope you can work this out. I loved my exh and clung on to the hope we would work through things, mid-life crisis/male menopause any excuse I could think of.

Your husband is in for a shock if he is under the impression that he can walk away from a long marriage and sail off into the sunset with the majority of the marital assets. Financial remedies (was ancillary relief)is based on the needs of both of you. As he has moved into a rented flat, his housing needs are met, you might not loose your home but difficult to say with out more information.

You say you are going through separation, any agreement is not legal and binding, its like putting the pain on hold then having to face it all again. In your shoes I would go and get legal advice and file for divorce as applicant. It puts you in control of the time scale & if your husband is just testing out new water its a short, sharp shock that could bring him to his senses. You really don''t want this to drag on and on and on.

I know this will not be what you wanted to hear but as a woman 12 years your senior who has been where you are I am trying to give you the benefit of my mistakes. Its hard to go through divorce but ask anyone in their 50''s on here and they will all tell you it gets more difficult the older we get.

Take care, big hug and please send me a PM if you want to. x

NWTT.

  • flowerofscotland
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26 Aug 12 #352076 by flowerofscotland
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Hi Suz567,

Hello and a very warm welcome to the land that is Wiki. A place of real understanding and emphathy when you need it most. It is a place not many of us ever dreamed existed, that is until we came searching.

I agree with Robinson25, it is a classic case of grass is greener for him..it sounds very much like he is sniffing about elsewhere. You will be the last to know, that is for certain.

What you must do is look after NO 1. This is no longer about him, it is about you, keeping your head above water, getting your ducks in a row. The others are right, take legal advice, make sure you know where every dime and cent is...because if you don''t, he surely will.

You have to keep your strength up, eat little and often, things like soup and yoghurt can see you through the first few weeks. Go to your GP, he or she can recommend a good counsellor, one who will listen and try and help you make sense of it all. One who is not there to be judge and jury, but to allow you the opportunity to feel what you are feeling without any judgement.

Exercise if you can, even if it is just a wee walk, this does help you sleep. Join the gym, use a punchbag when you are there and take your anger and frustations out on it. Look after you now, because this is about you and survival of the fittest.

Do not make any rash decisions that could affect your long term future. Do not be bullied by your STBX, as Robinson25 mentioned, give yourself breathing space and do not allow him control.

You deserve so much better, you are not a dirty old rag that he can throw away, just because he has moved on emotionally a long time ago. You will always be playing catch up with him in terms of emotions, but you have to be one step ahead of him at all times....you deserve to....you have cared for him, your home and your family, you are worth some dignity and respect.

Stay strong, lean on us Wiki''s, there is always someone who has gone before you and will come behind you...it is a rollercoaster of a journey, and you will need to hang on for dear life....but you will do that, you have your children who will always need their Mum.

Please protect your financial interests, because in the end that is what the nitty gritty is all about for them, pounds, shillings and pence. It is hard to believe that they try to justify their actions by shouting from the rooftops whilst re-writing history, this is the way these cowards deal with things, projection of blame.

Take care of yourself and keep strong. FoS x

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