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48, sad and confused

  • taff45
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26 Aug 12 #352085 by taff45
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Hi Suz

Sorry you are in this situation but you have found an amazing place here for support, it has been a lifeline to me.

I am in a similar situation to you 25 years together, 19 married and 3 teenage children. Just over three months ago I got the "I no longer love you," speech followed by his description of a marriage I didn`t recognise.My world fell apart and I never knew pain like it. But I have an am surviving and beginning to see a light and see it can be better.

As others here have mentioned I would be prepared to find there is someone else. I was adamant there wasn`t but people here warned me of the signs and a few weeks ago I found out there was.

Keep getting support from family and friends. I found talking about things helped me make sense of things. I also went to counselling and this has been a major factor in making me see what I need and has helped me start taking baby steps to rebuild my life.

Hang on in there, look after yourself. I know the complete desperation and pain but I promise you can and will survive this. Keep posting and take care.

  • Crumpled
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26 Aug 12 #352107 by Crumpled
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HI Suz I can only reiterate what the others have said but i am so sad that you have had to post on this site but at the same time you have come to the right place to get lots of support and advice.
I am the same as you been together since i was 18 and my stbx 21 together for 30 years three lovely children etc etc and i have the same thing going on as you exactly except i think as some of the other posts have said you may need to brace yourself that your husband is having an affair .....i may be wrong but it does seem to follow a script especially the rewriting the history of your marriage etc etc...my husband denied it on our childrens lives and then about two days later i caught him making a phone call to one of his many OW so denying everything is also par for the course.
Men rarely leave the marital home unless they have someone else waiting in the wings..sorry to sound harsh and i truly hope it is not so ..........
on a practical note please try and look after yourself lots of love

  • Bobbinalong
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27 Aug 12 #352119 by Bobbinalong
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suzie, its is hard, most of us have been where you are.
Not a nice time and as you said all you built up, gone or going.
actually sounds like you might have a good case for some SM tho...! 20 years out of work, also dont be surprised if he has his woman round quite often now his place is out the way.
You might get over the saddness bit and be bothered about what he is doing, its natural, but dont let it consume you and last too long.
All the best and look forward to a new wardrobe of clothes when the ones you have fall off you...:(

  • Canuck425
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27 Aug 12 #352210 by Canuck425
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This is tough stuff. Welcome.

You also need to be mentally prepared to find out that there is another woman involved. Your husband portrays two of the tell tale signs for those having an affair. 1) "I don''t love you anymore". That seems to be code for I''m sleeping with someone else. 2) Re-writing of history. They do that. It seems to help justify their actions.

If he is also glued to his cell phone and his email and computer have new passwords then I can guarantee there is someone else.

Anyway, my advice these days is very simple. Take care of yourself. This is early days for you. Be patient and kind to yourself. Do a few things just for you.

Here is some guidance I post for new people...


I did lots of things wrong in the beginning but I did a few things right as well. All of the points below helped me move along.

1. Get support. I talked to a LOT of people but I was very careful who I told what to. Most people were so ready to support me which was awesome but the ones that knew both of us really didn''t want to get into the details. I was very specific with the kind of support I needed from different individuals. From some I needed to have a laugh. From others I needed them to listen. From others still I needed their opinion. Others I needed them to feed me. etc. The key for me was to talk, talk, talk. I have probably talked to a hundred people that have been through something similar. Understanding that there is a script to these things was quite eye opening to me. Knowing that the leaver will deny, blame and justify helped me. Knowing that a lot of the garbage that comes out of their mouths not only is not true but has no basis in reality helped as well.

2. Get away. As soon as I was healthy enough I went away on a trip to the sun. Soon after that I went away again to visit family and childhood friends. This was very, very good. Just get away for a few days even. Get some space. I like long drives and have done a few solo trips with 6+ hour drives through the mountains. Getting away like that brings me back to my 20s and is very healing for me.

3. Don''t beg, it is as pathetic as it sounds. I had a few bad moments when I was begging her to reconsider. It was pathetic. When she was in the "fantasy bubble" as I like to call it there is no reason that will be considered. You have to realise at that moment, in their minds, everything is going to be amazing. They''ve never been this happy. Never. So let it go. The fantasy will wear off eventually and then you can see where you are.

4. Take care of you. This is the biggest one. Be kind and patient with yourself. Put yourself first. Really first. Not your kids, but you. It''s like on the airplane when they say put the oxygen mask on you first. You have to take care of you then you will be fit enough to take care of others in your life. This will take time and a lot of hard work. It''s worth it. Why? Because you''re worth it. You. Can you commit to taking care of you? This is a very new concept for so many people. Can you truly love yourself? Can you look into yourself and see a person of value? A person worthy of love?

5. Know that you''ll be more than ok. You''ll be awesome. Honest. The future is not yet written and you have a huge hand in it. The best path forward is making your life great.

Another interesting thing I learned is that the stories are not particularly unique. In fact, the more I talk to others that have been through this, the more the stories are all so sickeningly similar. Honestly, I have not truly moved on but I am doing ok. I have learned a ton about myself and the type of person I am. I have looked deeply into myself and started to understand my role in all of this. Why did I allow myself to be treated so poorly? How did the total breakdown in communication contribute to the environment? I think you move on, if that is even the right phrase, by doing the work on you. What was your role? Who are you and who do you want to be?

One more thing. Stop reading so many books on this subject. Get out and have more fun! This is your life and you get to choose what happens next! Commit to being awesome.

  • mag
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28 Aug 12 #352255 by mag
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sorry you find yourself here. there isnt much more i can add, canuck last post was excellent.

only thing i would say is the more i read around wiki, the more you see the similarities between the situations of a lot of people, just the timescales are different. i know that doesnt make it easier, but just know, you''re not alone in going through this and im sure everyone here will give yu as muc h support as possible ((hugs))

  • sadkipper
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02 Sep 12 #353468 by sadkipper
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Sorry you find yourself here, my story is very similar and 10 weeks on I am doing OK. Listen to advice, talk to people, cry if you want to. Main thing is to take some control, don''t do things quickly especially around money, it will take some time to be able to think clearly so don''t make decisions until you can.

Runaway husbands by Vicki Stark was recommended to me by someone on this board and is an amazing book especially around explaining the various stages you will go through.

10 weeks ago I thought I would die from grief but today whilst I am still hurting I am managing and feel some hope for the future, be brave and strong and remember its OK to believe in your version of your life just because he says it wasn''t like that does;t make it true.


  • perin123
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02 Sep 12 #353475 by perin123
Reply from perin123

I think it has all been said by other people.
Just wanted to give you my support as well.


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