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where to from here?

  • disillusioned22
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27 Aug 12 #352197 by disillusioned22
Topic started by disillusioned22
15 years together, ten years of marriage, 2 children and another on the way. Much to lose but unable to live with him any longer.So I am instigating the divorce.

Changed beyond recognition over the years. Arrogant, self-centred and unfeeling. Thinks money and his greater earning potential now makes him superior and can dictate to me. Increasingly verbally abusive.

No other parties involved, just a complete breakdown in relationship.

I on the other hand always been strong headed, unwilling to back down on things I feel strongly about, and will not tolerate his behaviour.

He won''t move from family home, despite us having other properties he could move to. Could do without the immense stress whilst pregnant. Considered moving myself but children so settled couldn''t face uprooting them.

They generally have good relationship with him although his disciplining of them has had us at loggerheads too.

Dreading telling extendng family but see no way back.

No idea how difficult this will be with complicated financial affairs and children.

Disillusioned and apprehensive....

  • Canuck425
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27 Aug 12 #352211 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Are you sure? I know it sounds like you are but when I read your post I wonder...

You''re pregnant?! Are you sure you want to embark on this journey? That sounds truly awful!

I read your post and I hear a lot of about him. He''s like this, he''s like that, if only he would... I would like to hear more about you. What you want out of life and how you''re going to get there. What are your dreams and hopes. How does divorcing get you there?

What would happen if you really opened up to the possibility of having a great marriage with your husband? Could you build something new and beautiful? Are you even open to that happening? If yes, what would you do to make that happen?

I guess I am suggesting that you look within yourself and take the time to examine your life.

This is a divorce site, for sure, but I would love to hear a few more stories that end up with people creating new and wonderful marriages!

  • leanng
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27 Aug 12 #352213 by leanng
Reply from leanng

i admire your decision. i felt like you did since my first child was 18 months old but could never make the break mainly due to the financial side. So from that day i made sure that i was always in a good finanial position i.e. no debts, careful with money etc... that way i thought that if he did change then we would have a wonderful future together, if not then i had protected myself and him also financially.

unfortunately he continued in his aggressive abusive manner, living the life of a batchelor in a married mans home until the day arrived when he threw a tv at me in front of my son. That was the last straw. i told him to leave otherwise i would get an injunction. he left two days later.

I had obviously gone through all the emotions throughout my marriage because i have not felt sad, just completely relieved. i used to hope i would find evidence of an affair so i had an excuse but he was too clever!!

my life, and my childrens has not really changed as he had little to do with us.

i wish i had had the guts and money to leave when the children were younger but i didn''t.

Would not change a thing. i love my life now and it can only get better.

good luck xx

  • WhiteRose
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27 Aug 12 #352217 by WhiteRose
Reply from WhiteRose
Welcome to Wikivorce.

My advice would be - before you make your mind up about anything - just talk.

Talk to him about how you feel, talk about how you want it to be, talk about everything, honestly and openly and ask him to listen to hear you, and of course you must do the same.

No blame, no interrupting, just talking.

If you feel you can''t do it yourselves, maybe counselling (Relate) could help you see things from each others perspectives.

Honestly, divorce is not always the answer, its a horrible thing to go through and a thousand times worse if there are children.

Good luck


  • disillusioned22
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27 Aug 12 #352239 by disillusioned22
Reply from disillusioned22
Many thanks for the replies.

No I am not sure divorce is the only path. Would love it not to be for the sake of my children. But I cannot see us recovering back to the kind of relationship we used to have, the best situation I can see is co-habiting for the sake of the children and am not sure how stable that would be.
Where we are from a marriage point of view is irretrievable as far as I can see. How do you recover when with every argument he becomes increasingly abusive? I am married to someone who I no longer recognise and who doesn''t respect the fact I am pregnant and piles on abuse and pressure.
I am not blameless. My stubbornness and difficulty is accepting his point of view have also landed us here but I am now at the point where I can no longer speak to him without getting extremely angry. Throughout our relationship I have got used to him eventually accepting why I have been upset ( without being onesided it has been the case that his actions rather than mine have set off an argument) but now he is digging his heels in and doesn''t seem to care about the effect on me or our unborn child.
My main concern is to do the right thing by our children. They are of an age to understand the hostility and I want to mitigate that as much as possible for them but both of us have let it boil over in front of them. If we divorce at least they will not need to witness any more unpleasantness.
I thought if he moved out it might give us some breathing space to work out what we want but he refuses and living in the same house is destroying me.

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