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Hi all. No idea what the future holds!

  • confusedmonkey
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04 Sep 12 #353704 by confusedmonkey
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This weekend my wife of 18 years told me that she feels we should no longer be together. In fact she suggested that we should never really have got together in the first place. I''m sure many of you can relate to the massive shock that this has caused me.

We have 3 children 11, 9 and 6 and, even by her own admission, we get along well and it''s been many years since we had any serious sort of argument. We are good friends, but none-the-less she is still fairly adamant that we should separate. I think one of her biggest fears is what we will be like once the kids leave home.

I can''t fight that and my attempts so far have had no positive impact. It''s difficult to change someones mind about something that may never even happen.

We''re still living together and still getting on well, all things considered. I suppose I still hope that this is a blip of some sort!

But the fact it might be ''the real thing'' scares the hell out of me. I have no idea what to do with myself. My wife and the children are everything to me and I just can''t imagine living my life without them. Even if I can work around losing my wife, what about the children? I worry when I''ll ever get to see them. Do I have to have a house where I can accomodate them during my time with them? As a family we have a nice house and just enough money to pay for it and all the other facts of life, but not a lot extra. I can see no way I can even afford a bedsit alongside all of this. How can I have my children when I end up living in a spare room or worse?

Anyway, these are just a few of the terrifying questions going around in my head. I''d really appreciate any other peoples advice or their own stories of how they successfully got through a similar situation.

  • taff45
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04 Sep 12 #353842 by taff45
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Hi and welcome to Wiki

I am sorry you find yourself here but you have found a great place for help and support.

My husband of 19 years, and 3 teenage children, told me just over 3 months ago that he no longer loved me and wanted our marriage to end - the shock was immense so I can understand what you are going through.

On the positive if you are still living together you can try and work through things - have you considered counselling - this may help you both decide what you want?

Hang on in there, it`s a scary place to be but others will be along soon I am sure with more advice - this forum has been a lifeline for me.

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05 Sep 12 #353961 by confusedmonkey
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Thanks for your words. The first thing I did this week was seek out people who are, or have been, in the same dilemma (hence the reason I''m here I guess). Each person I discuss the situation with gives me at least a brief period of feeling better which I know I should be thankful for.

I''ve certainly considered counselling, but this has been refused by my wife. Again, she''s not doing it to be difficult, she just doesn''t feel she needs someone trying to convince her about something when she wants to make up her own mind.

Part of me wants to accept that we''re over, but with that I have to accept the loss of my children and most everything else I''ve worked for in my entire life. That leaves me so depressed that I struggle to function.

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05 Sep 12 #354045 by taff45
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My husband had similar feelings about counselling. We started couples counselling but he only made 2 sessions and didn`t want to do any more so I went on my own and it really helped me. So maybe go for you if she still refuses to go with you.Think about it like this, if you had a broken leg you wouldn`t expect to fix it yourself. With relationship breakdowns we could also do with some help so we can heal.

Facing the "it`s over" bit is incredably painful - I completely understand. There is no easy way through - I wish I could just get to the other side and no longer be in pain but have no choice - have to work through it. Reading other posts here helped me see there is hope as others have been here and come out the other side. Hold on to that thought and keep posting and sharing - it will help.

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06 Sep 12 #354126 by confusedmonkey
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I think I''m slowly coming to terms with it. Last night I actually had a period of time where I felt that maybe separation is the best thing for both of us. In a weird way it was strangely positive. I''ll definitely be going along to counselling. Of the two of us (my wife and I) I''ve always been the one with the need to talk.

  • Saint1976
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06 Sep 12 #354198 by Saint1976
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Hi mate sorry you find yourself on here.
Your situation is almost exactly the same as mine. My wife and I have been together over 18 years have 3 children aged 12, 10 and 8. Just over 3 months ago she told me it was all over and there was no going back (I''ve since found out she was seeing somenone else although not saying this is the case with your wife). We carried on living together for a while but about 8 weeks ago I left the house and stayed in various digs including a mates caravan! I have now found myself a house to rent and move in in a couple of weeks. I have been through every emotion possible and have had some really bad days. Some mornings I woke up and didn''t think I could make it through the next couple of hours. The hardest part for me is not living with the kids - although I still see them a lot it is not the same as living with them.
I do however feel I am now starting to slowly come through this - I am on anti-depressants and am having Cognitive Behaviour Therapy which I''ve found to be very useful. I also did the same as you by trying to talk to as many people as possible particularly those I knew had been in similar situations.Be aware however you wil not always be given good advice! The important bit for me now is to accept that the relationship is truly over and to try and to not think too far ahead in to the future. I am also trying not to dwell too much on the past and keep analysing the reasons for the break-up although this is easier said than done.
I hope you and your wife may be able to work things out if not then just take one day at a time and believe that there is a light at the end of the (admittedly) very long tunnel.
Best of luck
D

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06 Sep 12 #354211 by confusedmonkey
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Saint1976 - looks like we humans are pretty similar when it comes to this sort of thing! I''ve read a few posts now where guys like us (and even those without kids) go through similar pain.

It''s comforting to hear that you still have contact with your kids though, regardless of the difficult living conditions you seem to have gone through. It tells me that it''s at least possible, even if I can''t imagine how I''d manage it should I end up on someones sofa!

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