Just to say hello. Been having a look through the threads on here and thought Id introduce myself.
Been married to my husband 15 yrs, together nearly 19...kids age 10, 6 and twins 3.
Problems started about 8 years ago when he ran up £30k debt on his business without letting me know. We remortgaged the house, I was v angry but forgave and tried to get on with the marriage, until 4 years ago when he did it again. This time £50k debt
At that point something died in me. Ive never really felt the same since. The last 3 years since we had our youngest have been awful, we''ve drifted so far apart. Earlier this year I had a fling, I could never have done that 5 years ago. My husband found out right at the end of the affair.
We''ve been to Relate...I thiink that made me realise how over it really is. To him it made no difference, in fact he refused to attend the last session.
Add to this the fact that yet again, he''s run £25k debt up. He let me know last week on the phone while I was at my mum''s eating a sandwich. With that to pay back theres no equity left in our home and looks like we will need to sell.
I want him to go, he won''t. Im not working at present as looking after the little ones. He just wants to carry on, even though we are both unhappy.
Ive suggested a solution that suits us all...he move into our caravan where he can stay locally, fairly cheaply and be close to the boys. He is their dad and I have no intention of calling the shots as far as the kids go. Again he refuses, complete denial.
So there we go, a real mess. Im at the stage where I want to take responsibility for my life and my kids...they have to have someone to rely on at the end of the day. And Im certain I can take care and provide for them, even if it means I go back to work full-time (which isnt a problem, lots of my sort of work around on contract).
Not sure if there''s anyone out there who can relate to this post but hello anyway!
Two wrongs never make a right. You cant blame yr affair on his debts. Ok what he did was bad. What you did was bad. As you said. Something died. I know its easy to say now. But why didnt you do something about it when you felt it had died?
Perhaps what you felt the second time he let you down is related to something deeper. Perhaps you just lost respect for him and fell out of love with him. Perhaps you ddnt love him as much as you thought and when your love was tested, it was found wanting. Nothing particular wrong with that. Often, we dont know how we will react until we are faced with something that challenges us.
THere isnt a lot of point in dwelling on the past. What is done is done. There are lessons for you and if he wants to learn them, your ex also. What is probably the better idea is that you can try and seperate and divorce with the lowest cost. And start your life anew.
Lastly... Often life doesnt turn out like we think it will. Afterall, its a journey. Not a destination. C.
Thank you for your reply Marshy.
Im certainly not blaming my affair on my husband. I take responsibility for what I did...what Im saying is the affair was a symptom of my unhappiness, not the cause of it.
As for trying to save the marriage, I asked him many times over the years to come for counselling but he refused. I also asked him many times to seek help for some issues he has. He only agreed to attend Relate (very reluctantly) after the affair, probably because he was scared I might leave.
Yes, I did lose respect for him. I can see things very much for what they are now, Relate helped with that. I have no intention of throwing blame around, like you say what''s done is done and we have to look to the future. Blame and torturing yourself and your ex about the past is not going to help my kids and they at the end of the day, are my number 1 priority.
Thanks for your input.