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Moving further away from my child

  • Medso76
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11 Sep 12 #355158 by Medso76
Topic started by Medso76
Hi,

Last year I found myself having to take my ex-wife to court to stop her from moving 250 miles away to be with her new partner, taking my young daughter with her. She left under a cloud & guess the move was more about escaping the reputation she had got for herself. I was unsuccessful and find myself with a 500 mile round trip once a month for what amounts to 1.5 days access, half the summer holidays and 2x 1 hour Skype sessions a week. I also do the odd round trip for sports day etc. My daughter & I have a fantastic relationship & she quite often tells me how she''s going to marry me when she is older, bless her (she is 5). The move has cost me emotionally (the loss of my daughter as well as the relationship I was in) and financially (child maintenance, cost of fuel, increased maintenance and having to replace my car). My ex and her partner don''t play ball and I feel more and more pushed out of my daughters life which is very painful as I long to be a proper full-time dad to my child.

Earlier this year I met someone new. We seem very compatible and have a great time together, she is very supportive of me and my relationship with my daughter and gets along famously with her too. The thing is she is American and does want to return to the States to raise a family and I would like to raise a family with her in time. I would genuinely love to live in the states with her and have a family. Starting a family would be a couple of years off but a move may only be 1 year away but the only thing holding me back would be the further reduced access with my daughter. I don''t want to hurt my daughter or do something that may hinder her but equally I want to be happy and am mindful of when she get''s older maybe not wanting to see me so much, instead choosing to be with friends etc.

Barring anyone having a magic wand, does anyone have a similar experience and could offer some advice. How did you maintain a relationship? How about the grandparents and aunts and uncles maintaining a relationship? What about the practicalities?

Thanks in anticipation.

  • Canuck425
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12 Sep 12 #355520 by Canuck425
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ok, I have no experience in this as I live 1 mile from my kids. I have to yell though DON''T DO IT!!!!

I am often the one on here telling people to put themselves first and then their kids. This is because it is so common for people to sacrifice so much for their children that they neglect themselves.

You already live 250 miles from your kid. Could you be pouring your energy into figuring out how to move closer. You are relevant in this child''s life and very important. You are teaching her how a man behaves. She will marry a man like you!

Don''t move to America to be with another woman and start another family. Just don''t. If this woman really is supportive of your relationship with your daughter then she would be encouraging you to move those 250 miles and go with you!!

America is FAR from the UK. Really far. There is not just the distance but also the 5-8 hours in time difference which is really significant. How do you think it will look to your daughter when you leave and start a new family?! She will feel, justifiably, abandoned. That you gave up on her and then replaced her with another family. That you didn''t care enough to stay or she wasn''t good enough or important enough.

I also don''t buy that this woman is "The One". I am sure she is lovely but there a loads of other women out there. You have a responsibility as a parent to this girl. Don''t walk out on her.

Think about the conversation you will have with her in 20 years. When she is 25 and looks you in the eye. She asks How could you have left me? What would you say?

I know men that have done this. I have talked to them 20 years later and they ALL regret it. Don''t be another man that leaves his child. I know you fought to keep her closer and lost. Good for you for trying. Now figure out how to see her more - not less!

Yes, you deserve to be happy. Absolutely. But there is no reason at all that happiness should be dependent on this woman and moving to America. Move to America in 13 years when she is 18 - then you''re free!

Good luck, my friend.

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12 Sep 12 #355521 by Canuck425
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Oh, I just noticed this line...

...when she get''s older maybe not wanting to see me so much, instead choosing to be with friends etc.

Ummm, let her decide that then support her decision. But you need to be around!! My 14 year old girl DEMANDED equal time with me and her mom. When she was not with me enough she stood up and said that was not ok. As kids get older, they are away from you a lot more. True. But they also need to know that you are there. A rock. Someone who can be counted on. Someone solid. Someone they can call anytime for help.

This is important. Really important.

  • .Charles
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13 Sep 12 #355613 by .Charles
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A friend of my family made the same mistake. The only difference is that his ex moved to another country with the children and he pursued contact for a while but gave this up when the mother made it difficult. The children are now old enough to decide that they don''t want to see him as he never bothered to fight for them.

If you move away, the message to your ex and to your daughter is that your needs are more important that those of your daughter which is difficult to counter.

Your new partner should be aware that you come with the ties of parenthood and a move to a new country is out of the question unless you are prepared to sever those ties which is a matter for your own conscience.

Charles

  • somuch2know2
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13 Sep 12 #355621 by somuch2know2
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Its a tough one but I think you would inevitably regret it if you moved. As this is a new relationship, why not carry on with her this side of the pond, and see where it takes you. And as everyone points out, you do come with ties, and if she is supportive she will accept that and try to compromise.

There is nothing saying that in a few years time after you have a family- which is a few years after you plan on it, that you cant reconsider relocation.

I do have a friend who married an Aussie girl and they have a child together, and are planning to move back in a years time. His kids from his first marriage are 19, 17, and 10 and fully supportive of this- but I think its been because he has ''been there'' for them and they are now at an age where they understand why he wants to move and are actually excited about seeing their dad for longer periods of time in another country.

One further thought- you worry about the cost of travelling 200 miles= imagine the cost of travelling stateside twice a year. You are looking at 1200 (at least)... and that is just for you.

  • NoWhereToTurnl
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13 Sep 12 #355626 by NoWhereToTurnl
Reply from NoWhereToTurnl
Hi,

I have a close friend whose husband had an affair when their daughter was young, they divorced when she was 5 years old. The dads new relationship fizzled out but contact with his daughter continued.

Dad then met another woman, they had a child and he moved to his new wife''s country of origin (UAE).

For a time dad visited the UK each year, emailed and had telephone calls but the physical distance resulted in emotional distance. My friend is a good mum and has tried to facilitate contact between her ex husband and daughter, going the extra mile by even letting him, new wife and baby stay in her home when they visited the UK.

The daughter is now 11years old and sadly her relationship with her father is strained, she felt and still feels that her daddy chose his new family over her.

It obviously can work for some families but, takes a great deal of effort on the part of both biological parents.

I wish you all the best and hope it works out for all of you.

NWTT.

  • somuch2know2
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13 Sep 12 #355627 by somuch2know2
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I also think it takes a great deal of time.
My friend who is moving to Aus next year has been seperated/ divorced for 6 years. There has been a lot of water under that bridge- but he allowed the kids to work through their feelings and get to an age where they comprehend what he is doing. He also asked them how they would feel so they didnt think he was leaving without consideration.

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