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Feeling lost...

  • Linden17
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18 Sep 12 #356589 by Linden17
Topic started by Linden17
Hi - I''m new to this, and forums of any kind, and just looking for some friendly chat really, and reassurance that my situation is not unique and I will recover!
I am recently separated from my husband of nearly 12 years (together for 19 - no children). We had the sort of relationship that all of our friends were envious of and people often thought that we were newlyweds as we seemed so happy. After some sort of mid-life crisis and a very short emotional affair (2 weeks! - not consumnated only because I found out about it) he decided he couldn''t get over his feelings for this woman and moved out of our beautiful and happy home after just 3 weeks of ''trying'' to make it work again. I was absolutely devastated but we''ve had an on again/off again situation for the last 6 weeks that has been a roller-coaster of emotions. Yesterday however, he told me that he had re-started his new relationship and that there was no hope now of reconciliation between us. In the same conversation though, he tearfully told me he thought what we had had was rare and special and he didn''t think he would ever experience it again; that I would be ''an impossible act to follow'' - but he just couldn''t get over his feelings for this other woman. It doesn''t make any sense and I just can''t believe this has happened to me and I feel completely lost. I am struggling to cope with living on my own, although I do have a good support network of friends. I have to fill up every day with social activities after work (in the week) and throughout the weekend. I am absolutely exhausted but am terrified of being on my own for too long in the house in case I go into a ''meltdown'' of despair and desolation. I have tried lots of strategies already but this latest, and final blow has set me back almost to the beginning of my recovery and I realise that I''ve always had hope until now. I can''t see a way through this - as many people have said, it feels like a bereavement but worse in a way, because the person you have loved and lost has willingly caused the pain you are going through. What''s worse is that I don''t have access at home to the internet and its lifeline of support - my phone bill has tripled and I fear that my friends are becoming ''compassion-weary''. Any advice or encouragement would be very welcome.

  • Yummy_Mummy
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18 Sep 12 #356591 by Yummy_Mummy
Reply from Yummy_Mummy
Dear Linden.


You are not alone and it is understandable in how you are feeling but you are not alone.

This is still very new and raw for you so it is natural that you will feel overwhelmed.

It seems that you both are confused and there isn''t a definite closure.

It is good that you have work and friends.
Try not to be scared of ''meltdown'' - it''s ok you know.
You can talk to us anytime and believe me you are not the only one having a meltdown.

It is very early days so take it a day at a time and take it slowly. You will find a way through it and yes, grieving, mixed emotions are all part of it.
Try to be kind to yourself, talk to who you are comfortable with, get as much rest as you can, cry if you feel like it...it is ok.

On practical terms, see if you can sort something out so you can access what you need. If you are both on good terms, ask him about money.
If you are weary about your friends, it''s fine too and you can chat and find support on here.

Sending you a Big Hug.

  • Action
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18 Sep 12 #356592 by Action
Reply from Action
Very sorry to read your post. Don''t expect a speedy recovery - you are in the very early stages and still in shock. Take a day at a time and look after yourself. I think 99% of people on Wiki will have an understanding of what you are feeling: trying to find an explanation - none of it makes sense. His words must be confusing you like mad - if he can''t ever see that he''ll get what he had with you then why is he throwing it away? Probably guilt.

Try and spread yourself around among your friends - it is real test of friendship going through a divorce and you''ll soon learn who your friends are. Try to get regular exercise and try to eat. I lost 2.5 stone in less than 2 months from not eating.

A book I found really useful was ''Runaway husbands'' and I know lots of people who have been helped by it.

Wiki is a great resource and you''ll make lots of friends so it may be worth you thinking about getting internet at home - it''s a lifeline?

You are not alone and will get so much help and support on here.

Sorry I can''t wave a magic wand and make it all go away for you, but your feelings and emotions are all perfectly normal.

Take care and big hugs.

  • MrsSadness
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18 Sep 12 #356599 by MrsSadness
Reply from MrsSadness
Dear Linden, Yummy Mummy and Action

First of all, welcome Linden. Totally feel for you, and previous posters advice, I can only reiterate. Thank you YM and Action - got something out of that myself! Linden, you are indeed in the early stages, it''s an emotional process that takes time to get through: sadly, as Action so rightly said, there is no magic wand, but most of us on here are all going through the same dark tunnel, all at various stages. However, to help you along your journey there is this wonderful site! You are in the right place: you will find huge support from nice peeps in here. Ok? Sorry to pop in, but felt I had to! You sound like I did a few months ago so just wanted to return the favour to those who answered me.

Bye for now.

  • Crumpled
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18 Sep 12 #356601 by Crumpled
Reply from Crumpled
Hi Linden I am so sorry to read your post all i can say really is you are not alone and you will get lots of support from so many people on this site who will help you through this.
I have no answers for you my husband did and continues to do exactly the same thing to me as yours has done to you so i truly understand the devastation you are feeling....we too were the happiest couple etc etc.
All i can say really is to take one day at a time it truly is a rollercoaster journey but eventually the good days outweigh the bad in the meantime you have to get through the present make sure you try and take care of yourself mke sure you eat and drink something ,see your gp get antidepressants if you need them ,arrange to have counselling (make sure they have a good reputation) for yourself this will give you someone to shout and scream at who will guide you through this.
I cant take your pain away or make you feel better quicker I only wish i could ........but you are not alone we will all be there to stand by you as you go through this

  • Canuck425
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18 Sep 12 #356617 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
You''re in the early days here and this need not end in divorce. 2 weeks of an emotional affair followed by a statement of "I need to be with her" sounds, to me, like a cry for help.

The feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal are real and I get that. I''ve been there. It''s going to be tough to reach your husband as he is in the bubble where life is super and everyone is going to get along well. Reality will set in after the bubble pops and then you can see where you are.

Until then, take care of yourself. Really put yourself first.

Good luck!

  • Linden17
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19 Sep 12 #356651 by Linden17
Reply from Linden17
Thank you! I''m overwhelmed by the support and all of your comments. Wish I''d discovered this site 2 months ago! Unfortunately, internet isn''t available in my village, I always thought it was a plus point when we moved there, as we discovered that we had so much more time to spend doing things together. Now he''s living in a buzzing little town with lots of people, shops, pubs - and broadband - and I''m left in the lonely house with a big garden that I cannot manage and no internet. He has offered financial help with maintenance costs so I will hire a gardener until the winter months make it unnecessary.
I''m having an anger and hatred day today so far - not sure how long that will last. I already know that I still can''t rely on anything I''m feeling lasting very long - although that''s a good thing in some ways as I know that the desperate days won''t last forever too. As for his bubble bursting - I know him well enough to be sure that he will do everything possible to make his new relationship work so that he doesn''t look a fool. She is in the process of leaving her husband to be with mine so they deserve each other. If it does fail, it''ll probably be in at least a year''s time and by then, I will have moved on (hopefully).
I''ve ordered the ''Runaway Husbands'' book - thanks for that advice.

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