My story

Good morning
I am 54, almost one year since my husband of 15 years (together for 22) left me for a woman he''d known a matter of weeks, no explanation, no apologies, just abandoned me as if I never meant anything.

I had no job because he liked me to be at home when he popped in and out throughout the day, no money because he liked me to be totally dependant on him, I now realise he was somewhat controlling.

The night he left I developed a medical symptom which suggested I could have cancer of the bladder, I underwent 5 medical procedures over the next few months whist nursing a broken heart, all I wanted was him to be there by my side, despite our son calling his dad to ask him to come and see me, he wouldn''t, didn''t even ask how I was.
At the same time as nursing a broken heart and having these tests, I also had to get a job, complete two weeks of training and start work.

I had no choice but to get on with it for my sons sake, so many times I wished I just wouldn''t wake up in the morning, I loved my husband with every inch of my soul and just could not bear the thought someone else was cuddling him etc, was tough!
Cancer was ruled out eventually, but it''s likely I will develop kidney problems later in life, but I''ll worry about that then.
After about 3 months of begging him to come home via email, text messages, through his sister, with no response, I gave up and made no contact.
A month or do after he contacted me and asked me to meet him, it turns out the new girlfriend, who was now his ''fiancé'' ring and all, was away on a course, seems she is paranoid he will come back to me, so keeps him on a tight leash, so as she was away he could contact me.
We met for coffee several times that week, we even went out for the evening, he told me how unhappy he was, was a nutcase she is, and that he might want to come home.
Naturally I was over the moon, that was short lived as once she had returned from the course I didn''t hear from him again for another few months, then the process repeated itself all over again, at one point I refused to acknowledge his messages and calls so he came to my workplace, didn''t catch me so knocked on my front door and caught me unaware.
The last time he made contact was on NYD this year, I was away with family and he called to proudly tell me he''d left her, I told him I was away but we could meet up when I was back in a few days, needless to say, by the time I got back, he''d gone back to live with her in their expensive rented flat.
That''s it now, I can''t wait any longer for him, still love him, still want him, but clearly he''s been playing games with me, not sure why, maybe an ego boost.
I have paid the mortgage, have had no help financial or otherwise from him, the only thing we discussed during our meetings was that we''d wait two years then divorce as I didn''t want to divorce him on adultery grounds, he agreed, but obviously I can''t trust him at all. I think possibly he agreed to that to avoid having to marry his controlling girlfriend who seems desperate to marry him for some bizarre reason, according to him she has a point to make to me....weird!
So, what brings me here is what do I do now?
There are some issues with the property I''d like to get tied up, not sure I can do that without divorcing him first, do I post those questions in this thread or start another?

I have survived almost one year without him, having been totally dependant on him for many many years, I didn''t leave the house without him even!
Thank you for reading, I know how you feel, trust me it does get easier
Lipstick x

Sorry to read your story but welcome to Wiki - a great place to find, full of helpful information and people who have walked in your shoes.

My gut reaction would be to get on with the divorce as then you can also start to sort out the finances. You could consider unreasonable behaviour if you don''t want to go down the adultery route.

It sounds as if you have turned the corner of acceptance of the situation, painful as it may be. At the end of the day I don''t think you could ever trust your husband again and he has behaved very unkindly towards you. I think that''s the one thing that many of us on here find hard to grasp - that someone you gave the best part of your life to; raised children with; can suddenly turn into an unrecognisable selfish monster.

Nice of you to welcome me. Yes that is true, I made excuses for him, thought he was depressed or having a breakdown, couldn''t get my head around how cruel he was being, but after reading lots on the subject it seems pretty normal to become a monster when you''re a cheater. Distancing yourself and turning off emotions is the only was to cope with the guilt maybe.
I''m hoping for some advice on charging orders in his sole name on our joint mortgage.

It might be best to start a new thread for specific financial questions. In the meantime, order yourself a copy of the book ''Runaway Husbands''. You''ll think it was written just for you!

Oh I will thank you x

A new development, not sure what I''m feeling about it so thought I''d write it here to get it out so to speak.
So last contact I has from x was on my birthday the day after I came back from a short break with my family as explained in above post.

The message read, I can''t contact you while all this *** is going on".
I took that to mean basically I have gone back to her, he went on to say "sorry for messing you about" he offered a token happy birthday and ended with "you''re never far from my thoughts"

That was the day I decided enough was enough and I have to accept that I cannot keep allowing him to get my hopes up, only to disappear again for another few months, then contact me with the same lines. Since leaving me in Feb 2015 he has made contact at least 6 times, stayed in contact for a couple of weeks, then disappears again. I have never contacted him first.
I messaged a few weeks ago asking for an email address I could communicate with him to start discussing the house, pension divorce etc. Apparently the girlfriend has their phones linked so she can see where he is and who he''s communicating with, so back in June last year he bought a payg phone to call or text me on which he hides in his work van, that''s the reason I asked for an alternative email address that she doesn''t know about, if she did it would be likely she would be sending the replies not him.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning, Saturday, I''m ready for work, stop to get fuel and in a hurry, I got some cash out of the machine, turned around and bumped smack bang into him! he''d been at the pump the other side of mine and has a new van so I didn''t recognise it.
I said I was in a rush to get to work, we both went into pay, whilst waiting in the queue we just chatted nonsense, I was calm and polite and my usual chirpy self. Right this is the bit where you''re probably want to bash some sense into me for being so pathetic
He said "what''s that on your eye" as he said it, he gently removed whatever it was, and sadly it felt a bit like he cared. I paid for my fuel and legged it out hoping to be gone by the time he''d paid for his fuel.
I think he must have chucked the money at the cashier to catch me, he called me, and said he''d been sending me messages asking me to meet him, I said I hadn''t received any, and said "are you still sleeping with the weird one" he hesitated then said "he''s moving out" I saiid well once you have then feel free to contact me, but while you''re still with her I want nothing to do with you, also only contact me on the number you''ve had longer than our son (the number he''s had for 22 years, and number that she monitors) that way I will know you have left her.
I said what do you want to meet for, he said I just want to know where we stand.
I have no idea what that means, nor do I understand why he won''t just leave me alone and get on with his life with her. I know they argue all the time, enough of his family have told me that, he''s even told me himself. Since being with her his life has taken a serious nose dive and so has his health. So once again, I''m here hoping that he will leave her, not necessarily to come back to me, but so that we can put all the bitterness behind us and communicate in a friendly manner, I don''t think I''d mind him being with someone else, it''s just being with the person he left me for I can''t bear.
So as it is at the moment, he''s going to contact me once he''s moved out and left her, but we''ve heard that before haven''t we!
What do people think? If I''m honest I do love him and think I could put it behind me, but what I''m not sure of is am I willing to give up the new life I worked so hard to build.
There you go ladies out there, there was a day when I wouldn''t have given it a seconds thought, having him back was all I wanted, but now only one year on, I''m not sure if I want to give up my independant life!
I would really appreciate your thoughts, views, or advice on how to handle it if he does call, but if nothing else it''s been good writing it down.
Thank you for reading my mega post
x

Well done, it is amazing how writing it down seems to make everything so much clearer. You have done brilliantly so far.
No one can tell you what to do or how to feel, but if you keep reading between the lines it will all sort itself out.
You sound like you have found a new confidence in yourself, so even if you did have him back you will find that you are both very different people. I had my stbx back after he had left for 9 months, but I had changed, which I had`nt accounted for. I was stronger and would`nt let him decide everything. We shared everything or it did`nt happen. Well needless to say, 14 months later he was gone again.
It would be great if you could be friends but I think you have to be able to trust and that will take a very long time to rebuild.
Stick to your guns re:weird one, and then see how it pans out. but you will find the "new you" will expect more from any relationship. and you do deserve to be treated like the most important person in someones life.
I have yet to see my stbx in nearly 6 months, no idea how i`ll respond.
Well done.