Hi everyone , I’m new to all this, my husband told me 3 weeks ago he doesn’t love me and today moved out, I’m devastated, and so confused.
14 months ago I found out he had been chatting to lots of women on the internet, swapping wots app numbers , sending dirty photos , this had Been going on for 2 years , also had dating apps, secret photo vaults, but I said I would work through it, it’s been tough, I thought things were fine and then he tells me he doesn’t love me, I am in the house , it was mine before he came along, but now finding I need a bigger mortgage to buy him out, he has a pension with the police of 11 years, and civil service 18 years , he wants £50000 plus his pensions ,
The house has a £55000 left on mortgage, the house is worth £340000, I had equity of £80,000 in the property when he was added to mortgage, but I didn’t have anything put in writing to secure it, so technically he is entitled, so I have said he can have £50,000 and his pensions , Civil service pension is lump sum £28,327 plus pension £9,442 each year, police pension lump sum to date £24,128.52 and pension £6,032.13 each year, I have a small pension through civil service , Because of how things are I am not very well, I am suffering terribly with anxiety and under a local mental health team for support, I have never suffered before , but the behaviour of my husband has made me sick, I feel I have no fight, but I also feel I would still have my home, a mortgage that is affordable to myself
There is no rush to decide anything right now, at the moment you need to think quietly and for as long as you need.
I'm glad you have the support of the mental health team, events such as this knock us for six and so you need to talk with close friends and family and insist things move at your speed.
I kept journal's and looking back they helped me pour out my innermost thoughts I didn't feel I could tell anyone.
Your husband has been deceiving you for a considerable time, he's had time to plan, and make decisions, you haven't.
My decision to end my marriage came about because I couldn't live a life never trusting again.
It's five years since then and I can truthfully say I am happy.
Some things still rankle, such as his new partner posts pics on her blog of her cooking in my kitchen with my crockery, but I remind myself I wouldn't have my former life back at any price, so ignore it.
It may not feel like you have a future to look forward to but time is remarkable.
Once you accept this is a new chapter in your life things get easier.
I wish you strength and courage and promise you this awful time will pass. Do message me if you need an ear x
I am 50, he is 57, he can get his pension from civil service at 60, he is still currently working in the police service, I have 2 children , they are both mine from previous marriage,they are 23 and 27, we have been together 20 years , married 18 years, he has income approx £45,000, mine is £28,000
I would echo what others have said about giving yourself time. You have had a huge shock. He has been preparing for some time but for you it is a bolt from the blue.
Yours is a fairly long marriage. I would expect any pensions accrued during the marriage to be shared equally. It would also be reasonable for assets accrued prior to the marriage to be excluded if possible.
The first consideration will be needs. This is your respective need for housing and income now and in the future. And the means you have between you to meet them - so assets, Inc pensions, incomes etc.
How much of the pension was built up during the marriage? Was he already in the police at the start of the relationship? Edit: I can see there is only actually 9 years of civil service pension from before the relationship.
Was the money you put into the property from a previous divorce settlement or another source?
Final salary pensions are valuable. There's about £200k in the property once your contribution and costs of sale are taken out. A pension paying out the amounts you have given will likely be worth £350k or more plus the lump sums adding up to more than £55k so maybe more than £400k. You really do need the CEV.
It really would not be fair for him to keep the pensions intact. Even if he only has £50k, I would suggest a pension share should be considered. All pension CEVs go in the pot so the share would be a share of the whole pot that is then worked out as a percentage of one of his pensions for sharing purposes.
Do have a good look at all the resources we have available on the site. If you need help writing letters, understanding the process etc, we have a number of cost effective service that could be useful.