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Adultery Victim. Feeling so alone.

  • Wealdenlady
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21 Jan 2021 04:06 #515430 by Wealdenlady
Topic posted by Wealdenlady
17 years together, 9 married and 2 beautiful children aged 3 & 7. All ended because he had an affair.

It feels like the worst kind of betrayal I can possibly imagine. So cowardly. So disrespectful. It’s been 6 months and I’m struggling to come to terms with it. Don’t think I ever can.

I have a number of supportive friends but 99% of my friends are in long term relationships or marriages with respectable human beings. I don’t move in circles where husbands do that to their wives. Are there any nice people out there who’ve been victims of this sort of behaviour?

I’ve such strong feelings of anger, loss and sadness. I also have very strong opinions about the other woman and her not having involvement with my children’s upbringing. A woman that steps into a marriage like that is a terrible role model. My girls are so young. I don’t want them to grow up to think that behaviour is normalised. I desperately need them to think it’s abhorrent but, of course, I have to stick with the “mummy and daddy don’t love each other anymore” line.

Should add that he’s very much involved with children and is being the best Dad possible right now. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I find it sickening. They’ll love him to pieces and not care when the big reveal comes later in life. I also just can not STAND the idea of the girls forming any sort of relationship with that woman. How can I ever accept that??

I’m just a bag of emotions at the moment. Looking for someone who understands.

  • Beansontoast
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21 Jan 2021 22:29 #515449 by Beansontoast
Reply from Beansontoast

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know how horrible it is and the shame associated to it. You probably feel betrayed in so many ways! I remember a day after I discovered my Ex’s affair, it felt as if someone had turned my world upside down, nothing made sense. One day, my brain was so overwhelmed I just didn't know where I was! It is something I would not want anyone to experience.

You are not alone, you might think people in your circle do not go through this or do not do this kind of things. But infidelity is much more common than you probably imagine. A lot of people do not like to talk about their pain because it brings shame either way. If you decide take the cheating party back, then you are wrong!! And if you don’t you are also wrong because you didn't try hard enough for your marriage! And your family! And blah blah blah.

All I can say is, there is no easy way out. If you decide to stay together after the affair, the road ahead is a very bumpy one. There is help available and with the right mindset I believe it can be done. If you decide to divorce, there road ahead is also bumpy and will inevitably take a toll on everybody involved. Whatever you do, do what is right for you! Your kids will be happy if you are happy!

If you need to talk, Im here :)

big hug and lots of love your way!
You can and you will get through this.

  • LoveMyRascals
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31 Jan 2021 13:10 #515570 by LoveMyRascals
Reply from LoveMyRascals
Really sorry to hear that. I can't tell you what's best as I'll never know your full situation but here are some things to ponder.
- you will, in time, heal. The strong feelings will weaken. A happy life is possible.
- you'll subconsciously drift into playing things over and over in your mind and thus ratchet up your emotions. If you can catch that when it happens and consciously say, okay, I don't want to go down that path, I'll think of something else instead, then you can break that behaviour.
- you will be full of stress induced chemicals. This is the fight or flight response and the only way to use them up is via excercise. Once a day, every day, get off your bum and walk, cycle, run etc (presuming you're able). This will help your mental state SO much. You won't feel like doing it but please, please do.
- separate how you feel about your ex from how your kids feel. Your kids still need the love of their father (regardless of the adultery, because, that is at this age, largely between you and him).
- you might not like to hear this, but in time, for your own good, you must transition from hate/disgust etc to pity and forgiveness and you must try so hard not to feel sorry for yourself as that only keeps you down. Be grateful that you have two amazing kids. Some people want them and don't have any. Be grateful the other parent (I rashly assume) will never wish any harm to them. Be grateful you found out and you are building your life right now, into one, mostly, of your choices and that you're not going to live a lie or in a dead marriage for the rest of your life. Starting again is a chance to live the way you want.

All my own opinion but I hope at least one part will help you through this terrible time.

Stay strong,

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