In what I can only describe as a mid life crisis.I have after 18 years of abuse decided this year to go on a get fit regime.
This was the catalyst for the purchase of a mountain bike from Halfords a rather lovely luminous yellow cycling jacket and the most ridiculous helmet ever to fit my big head!!!!
I hasten to add I am 39 years old (I do however after tonight feel more like 80) and i haven't had my rse on a bike since 11 years old!!A wise decision as I have now discovered.
I was never very good at physics at school but even I looking at the 3" triangular seat and my rse and the downward pressure of 17 and 1/2 stone on said area knew that even from some vague remembrance of one on newtons law knew that this was gonna be painful!!!
Unpeturbed,I got on the bike and started forth on the 4 mile ride to the gym.I was right I know knew what child birth felt like.
Across South London road rage dissipated as motorists fell about laughing at the weeble like figure in the stupidest outfit ever on the bike!!
One paser by in a car helpfully pointed out that I should have bought a bike with suspension I cheerily replied that my gonads had just informed me of that.
Now you may all think that it is impossible to cycle slower than you can walk but i know have irrefutable evidence that it is not!!
After half an hour I arrived at the gym at this point i realised that I didn't have the combination for the new padlock I needed to lock my bike up with.Luckily with my master safe cracking skills I deduced that it was 0000.
I locked my bike up and as i had no idea whatsoever how to set my own combination left the combination as 0000 in a cunning plan that I would find the bike stolen upon my return!!!
An hour and a half later I returned dismayed to find that despite the fact that everything in south london that isn't nailed down gets nicked my bike unfortunately had not!!!!
After having a consolatory ciggie I mounted my bike to start the journey home.At this point after only one journey the seat mount decided that it could no longer take the strain of my not unimpressived sized backside and decided to develop metal fatigue1Just as my gonads thought that cycling could get no more painful the seat proved them wrong by tilting to an upright angle!
the journey home now was without doubt the most excruciating agony ever!Various low points included being passed by three 12 year old gals on bmx's and when I walked my bike past the bus stop with a group of local hoodies although i was hoping to be muggeed and my bike stolen they were all too busy falling about laughing.
the only one plus point about walking the bike was that I felt that I had summit to lean on whilst whilst having my coronary pushing it up the hill!
Like a true heroe I rode the bike the last mile home coz it was flat and i stood up to give my nads a well earned rest.
On the plus side of bike riding now i am a bachelor free I shall never have the worry again of fathering children!
The bike shall be getting pimped this week with the biggest feck off seat ever with industrial steel holding it in place!!
So ladies if you really hate your ex buy him a push bike;) lol xxx
All the best
Ha ha ha ha Pete so funny.. Poor you hope you are feeling a little less tender soon!
You need to get yourself some of those very sexy black padded lycra shorts. Firstly they will save your rse from any further torture and secondly will impress the ladies as they tend to 'enhance' your bits. Have fun!