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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


Help: topical jokes required!

  • Bunnygirl
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18 Feb 12 #313008 by Bunnygirl
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good luck.
heard this one last night - my wife left me last week. We don''t own much , so she took my beloved Bob marley collection , the satellite dish and box. So now it''s no woman , no sky!!

  • LittleMrMike
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18 Feb 12 #313009 by LittleMrMike
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You could try jokes.com.

On American sites you will find an Absolute goldmine of lawyer jokes and I''m not all that sure which is my favourite.

But for starters

What do you call 144 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean ?
A good start

What''s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Dobermann Pinscher

You might also look at " She got the goldmine, I got the shaft " by Jerry Reed ( it''s on You Tube somewhere )

LMM

  • hawaythelads
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18 Feb 12 #313022 by hawaythelads
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Hands up all the men in the room who have been divorced..........yeah schoolboy error I should''ve known it would have been the ones not wearing any shirt :blink:

I''m not saying that I faired badly in the divorce settlement but did any of you walk in court and have the ex misus barrister calls out skins v shirts??

My ex misus could solve the eu monetary crisis within 10 years.She signed a marriage license that cost me £75 and 10 years later she signed divorce papers that cost me £300000.I bet Mr Papadopolus would love to have that trick up his sleeve right now.Quick get my ex misus on the phone to Angela Merkel.

When signing I kept thinking about Paul Daniels you''ll like this ...not a lot.....too right you bald headed munchkin.Shame Debbie McGee only cut off his finger with that Makita and not his head.

But like the Murphy''s I''m not bitter....my counsellor says have some post traumatic psychotic episodes to work through ...but I''m not bitter.

HRH xx

  • Stingrayj
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18 Feb 12 #313026 by Stingrayj
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Deja Moo.....the feeling you''ve heard all this bull before. ;)

  • hawaythelads
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18 Feb 12 #313032 by hawaythelads
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War on terror.

I know why we aren''t winning the war on terror.
Simple our leaders names just aren''t silly enough.
Do u remember the kids clubs on holidays all used to have a club dance at the end of the mini disco.All them dances were named after an Al quaeda head.
Come on kids lets do the Abu Hamsa!
Right kids know it''s time to show your parents the Aba Qatada.
I thnik Black Lace got into the top 20 with both them songs along with Superman.
The Americans have caught on to win the war on terror you have to have a silly named president.How else do you think Barrack Obama got elected?
And it''s working WWF stylee OSAMA this OBAMA I''m gonna kick your mother...... ass!!
In the last debrief Barrack Obama to dave Cameron
"Obama brung it to Osama I didn''t bother with no slammer.I popped a cap in his ass. Now what you up to with avabanana, Dave?"
"Well Barrack.....It''s actually Abu qatada we''ve just released him and set him up with a nice 6 bedroom £500k house in Muswell Hill paid for by the uk taxpayers....it''s a lovely area do u know it?"
Obama to Dave "Motherfxxxx you''d better change your name to "Do the okey cokey"goddam fast and bring the goddam pain down on this mo foe fast."

You gotta do the Mr T voice for the Barrack bits.
HRH xx

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18 Feb 12 #313036 by hawaythelads
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The government in it''s review of family law to enable more contact between divorced fathers and their kids have opened over 1000 new contact centres in the UK.
They are clearly signposted with the Golden Arches.
I''M LOVIN IT!!

All the best
His Royal Hawayness xx

  • rubytuesday
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18 Feb 12 #313040 by rubytuesday
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True story you might be able to use, JJ.

A police officer who was getting married offered to sort out the wedding photographer. The photographer in question was a mate of his and had offered to capture the happy couple on their big day for a very small fee.

The bride later found out that the photographer in question was actually a SOCO photographer, and had only ever photographed crime scenes and dead bodies...

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