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Help: topical jokes required!

  • Young again
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17 Feb 12 #312986 by Young again
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Warning, if you find these jokes offensive then don''t read them.



Woman tells her solicitor she wants to divorce her husband for adultery.

"What proof do you have?" asks the solicitor.

The woman replies, "I can prove our sixth child isn''t his"

How do you make your wife scream during sex?
Phone her up and tell her.

My wife is divorcing me for ''unreasonable behaviour''. She''s really upset and all because I didn''t wait and open the car door for her . . . . . I swam directly to the surface.

I asked my wife what she wanted for our 25th wedding anniversary, "I don''t know" she said, "Get me something exotic and expensive that I don''t really need" so I booked her in for a masectomy.

The last two are by or based on Emo Philips.

If any more occur to me I''ll let you know, unless of course you''d rather not know, lol!

YA

  • WYSPECIAL
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17 Feb 12 #312989 by WYSPECIAL
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my wife kept breaking the washing machine so I divorced her. it''s true what they say, washing machines live longer with cow gone.

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17 Feb 12 #312992 by Hereshopin
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"I have considered this case very carefully Mr Smith", the divorce judge said, "and I''m going to give your wife £1000 per month in maintenance".

"That sounds very fair", said Mr Smith, "and if I can manage it I''ll throw her a few quid myself".

  • Onmyway
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17 Feb 12 #312993 by Onmyway
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JJ if you used thses they made me laugh!! and I might have to come back to re-read evrytime i need a giggle!!

Thanks to all the contributors!:laugh::laugh::laugh:

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18 Feb 12 #313001 by wazo
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B)

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18 Feb 12 #313002 by hawaythelads
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Jj as probably half your audience demographic might well be female I would avoid the divorce stories derogatory to women you have to be a
His royal hawayness to get away with that :blink:
I would seriously just use general observation or if you are really stuck plagerisation
All the best
Pete xx

Ps unfortunately got the kids that night or would have been there xx

  • Fiona
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18 Feb 12 #313004 by Fiona
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A good source of divorce humour are the American court reporters'' transcripts;



Q. Did you tell your lawyer your husband had offered you indignities?

A. He didn''t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.



Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.




Defense Counsel - I need at least 25 pages to summarize all my legal arguments your honor.

Judge - You can write 25 pages counselor so long as you tell me which 15 pages I should read.

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