A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020
Mon/Fri 9am-8pm       Sat/Sun 2pm-8pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

HAVE A LAUGH

  • dawn1
  • dawn1's Avatar Topic Author
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Platinum Boarder
More
12 years 3 months ago #35141 by dawn1
HAVE A LAUGH was created by dawn1
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • dawn1
  • dawn1's Avatar Topic Author
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Platinum Boarder
More
12 years 3 months ago #35142 by dawn1
Replied by dawn1 on topic Re:HAVE A LAUGH
As life can get you down, I think it might help if we all put a joke or two on the post to lighten our lives.

over to you, hopefully not too many sheep jokes, you know who I mean.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Daisy049
  • Daisy049's Avatar
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Platinum Boarder
More
12 years 3 months ago #35153 by Daisy049
Replied by Daisy049 on topic Re:HAVE A LAUGH
thanks dawn !!

ok heres mine

what do you call a spider with no legs ?

a currant....



what do you call a sheep with no legs ?

a cloud !!

lol

daisy

xxxx

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Sun 13
  • Sun 13's Avatar
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Platinum Boarder
More
12 years 3 months ago #35170 by Sun 13
Replied by Sun 13 on topic Re:HAVE A LAUGH
Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said \"Tenpin?\" I said, \"No, permanent.\"*

I went in to a pet shop. I said, \"Can I buy a goldfish?\" The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?\" I said, \"I don't care what star sign it is.\"*

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said \"Analogue.\" I said \"No, just a watch.\"*

I went into a shop and I said, \"Can someone sell me a kettle.\" The bloke said \"Kenwood\" I said, \"Where is he then?\"*

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.*

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.*

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.*

The recruitment consultant asked me \"What do you think of voluntary work? I said \"I wouldn't do it if you paid me.\"*

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, \"I want you to trace someone for me.\"*

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, \"Are you having me on?\" I said, \"Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything.\"*

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them \"Can I have a skip outside my house?\" He said, \"I'm not stopping you!\"*

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said \"I careered off the road\"*

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it’s tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.*

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said \"Eurostar\" I said \"Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.*

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, \"How flexible are you?\" I said, \"I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays.\"*

I went to the local video shop and I said \"can I borrow Batman Forever?\"
He said, \"No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow\"*

A waiter asks a man, \"May I take your order, sir?\" \"Yes,\" the man replies. \"I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?\"
\"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.\"*

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • mrsonmyown
  • mrsonmyown's Avatar
  • Expert Boarder
  • Expert Boarder
More
12 years 3 months ago #35181 by mrsonmyown
Replied by mrsonmyown on topic Re:HAVE A LAUGH
Paddy goes to the pet shop and buys two goldfish. He calls them one and two. When his mate asks him why he called them that - he says - Simple. If one dies then I still have two left!!

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Justabouthadenough
  • Justabouthadenough's Avatar
  • Expert Boarder
  • Expert Boarder
More
12 years 3 months ago #35242 by Justabouthadenough
Replied by Justabouthadenough on topic Re:HAVE A LAUGH
I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says \"Your eyes sparkle like diamonds\". I said \"Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck\".

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Kalamari
  • Kalamari's Avatar
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Platinum Boarder
More
12 years 2 months ago #35328 by Kalamari
Replied by Kalamari on topic Re:HAVE A LAUGH
A cross culural survey;-

:pinch:English;- Have your cake and eat it
:pinch:Norway;- To have eaten your picnic and still have it in your backpack.

(Ranked equally boring)

:blink:Spanish To swim without getting your clothes wet.

:evil:French - To have the butter, the money for the butter, and the milkmaid
:woohoo:Italian - To have your wife drunk and the bottle of wine still uncorked.

Any others?

KalamariB)

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11