As some of you may have an inkling His Royal Hawayness is a long time divorced.
It was indeed an expensive affair primarily the free house and the car that I had to legally give away to the tune of £300k was not an insignificant financial hit.
Then the 2nd largest hit was my Solicitors fees.
Indeed Signor El Tel the masked bandito solicitor of Orpington actually racked up a bill of £8000. A 5 minute phone call used to seem to be followed by a £400 invoice.Actually no matter how hard I tried by the end even though I talked in 1 syllable word answers Yes or No and hung up immediately this still seemed to magically produce an invoice for the obligatory £400.
I never even went to court!!
I later heard that Signoe El Tel had retired..... off the back of my case alone.
After buying his Ferrari!
So there''s the background of costs I have already incurred due to error of my ways in ever signing that marriage certificate.
I have decided to change careers into property development was this a well thought out career change.I''d like to say it was meticulously planned........unfortunately I can''t.
This career change actually occurred after I told my employer in February to go Feck himself..... you know it was succinct and demonstrative of my true opinion and feelings on being a wage slave for some other fecker.
Having watched a lot of "homes under the Hammer" a property developers life was for me. Let''s face it how hard can it be Sarah Beeney pulls it off with a permanent bun in the oven. She must be permanently on maternity leave and she''s still raking it in.
After meticulously researching the market in the Leicestershire area. I attended an auction in Nottingham race course just for experience and I under no circumstance was going to bid.
So imagine my surprise when the hammer fell and I found out I had in fact bought a bungalow in that new thriving metropolis of Mansfield for £65500. 50 miles away from Leicester.
I didn''t even know where fecking Mansfield was!!!
Legal pack????? err what''s that???Looked and researched it??? Didn''t even know there was one!!!
At a property auction when the hammer falls you have actually bought the property that''s it no backing out they have you by the knackers 28 days to cough up your moolah.
Yes my theme tune on Homes under the Hammer would be old Freddie Mercury and Queen belting out "Hammer to Fall"
I then went to Mansfield impressed........I wasn''t!! I had found the source of every contestant ever to be on the Jermy Kyle show.
I mean the only store that was thriving was Sports Direct because of the amounts of hoodies they''d obviously been shifting.
The older alcoholics who spoke a strange indecipherable language were sporting vintage Adidas shell suits. Worn in perpetuity since their original purchase in the 80''s.Their beautiful women carried off the fruit of the loom furry tracksuit with aplomb despite the shiny patches.
So on my cab journey to the new palace i had acquired the cheery cab driver told me how it was the second most depressed town in the UK and how there was no work and he thought property prices would crash.
I was glad I took a taxi because the one thing about hoodies is they bactually shuffle around slowly walking in the middle of the road. They don''t use pavements but like the Zombies in the walking dead they will spring into an adrenaline frenzied attack of anyone if they think they may have £1.50 they can mug off them for their next can of Diamond White.
When I get to my new property it weren''t that bad. Ok so I''d just payed £65500 and one had been knocked out at £61000 the year before but you know there may be some mileage.
Now it''s time to change the tune on Homes under the Hammer to Alanis Morrisette "Isn''t it ironic"
My solicitor has now had a look at the legal pack and on nthe official title deeds there is laid out any charges against the property.That''s money owed to other people or organisations that has to be paid when the property is sold.
THERE IT IS
(25.11.2009 LEGAL SERVICES COMMISSION, LAND CHARGE DEPARTMENT.
SO MY FECKING DOUGH IS GONNA PAY FOR SOME OTHER FECKERS DIVORCE!!!
Would anyone else like me to pay for their divorce an all??
(1) The Statutory Charge may well relate to non-matrimonial proceedings so you may be paying for a civil dispute rather than a divorce.
(2) Technically, the Statutory Charge is repaid from the proceeds of sale once those monies are received in exchange for the property. You pay for the property and those monies are intercepted before they are released to the vendor so you don''t actually pay the LSC.
(3) A friend of mine had to stop in Mansfield on the way through to be sick in a bus shelter.
(4) The foregoing three points do not assist you in any way, shape or form.
I have absolutely no idea where Mansfield is, but am willing to bet we can organise a wiki crowd funding campaign to raise a couple of quid for a suitable secondhand shell suit and hoodie so that you can camouflage yourself and blend in with the locals.
I live a few miles from Mansfield as with most towns there are good and bad areas and good and bad people. The town suffered badly when the mining industry closed and the textile industry all moved to cheaper third world countries. You have a very cheap house and I am sure you will do well at improving it and either selling on or renting it out.
I looked Mansfield up. It says Sherwood Forest is there? As you are now king of your own 65.5k castle and also have a title (HRH) you had better be careful you don''t get robbed and your riches given to the poor.