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how do I really learn to trust. again...

  • Mrs Ingledew
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09 Jan 08 #10301 by Mrs Ingledew
Topic started by Mrs Ingledew
Can anyone help me.

I have a new man in my life - he cares deeply for me and is supportive etc etc.

I have introduced him to family and friends and vice versa and with no exception they all think this is the best thing since sliced bread.

But none of that is really relevant.

I have a problem - I am terrified that he will cheat on me - not because he has previously purely because I am scared another woman will woo him away.

I watch him like a hawk, and have even found myself wanting to check his mobile phone.

I have spoken to him about it and obviously he is hurt that I don't trust him. He says all the "right" things that he is committed to me, even that he wants to marry me (fool), that he doesn't want anyone else, how he would handle any advances made to him and that I am free to check whatever I want.

How do I sort my head out. I have pictures in my head of my stbxs partner wooing my ex over the last 3 years - isn't hindsight wonderful. It isn't him I'm afraid of but the ghost of what might be...

and I don't like the suspicious person I am becoming.

  • AJB0492
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09 Jan 08 #10303 by AJB0492
Reply from AJB0492
It is hard to put the past in the past but thats exactly what it should be. Try not to tar everyone with the same brush. You need to draw a line in the sand and move forward everyone has a history but that is what its is history leave it there. If you carry on reliving or expecting to relive history you will end up destroying you current relationship. Take a deep breath close your eyes and banish the past to the past. Turn the page a start a clean sheet with your new man if he is sincere then go with it trust is earnt not given so until he betrays that trust be happy. Good luck and I hope it all goes well

  • bloomp
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09 Jan 08 #10304 by bloomp
Reply from bloomp
Hi talr14,
You don't say how long your new fella has been around but - you're correct when you say it's your problem, not his.

Mr New sounds like he's bending over backwards for you & thinks you are v. special.

Opening yourself to him isn't going to be easy 'cos you can get hurt but, it sounds like you need to chill before you make the point a moot one 'cos you'll push him away.

You've just wooed your new guy right off the street yourself so you've got whatever you believe your stbxs partner has - relax - he wants you - enjoy it !

  • gone1
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09 Jan 08 #10306 by gone1
Reply from gone1
Thing is the saying once bitten is true. U have been shafted and U dont want to get hurt again and this is the right stance to have. I have trust issues. In fact I have issues full stop. The person I dont trust the most is me. But in time you do learn to trust again. A relationship is a leap of faith and you have to learn to trust again. But he should understand these issues you have.

I am lucky in that I am now a much stronger person and I will not do certain things now and I have a long list of rules. If the person that I meet does not measure up they are gone. Period. That day if need be. I wont be hurt like that again and to be honest I dont think I could survive it. I only just survived it. Never again as they say.

I can totaly emphasise with you. Thats becuase I have been thru a simular experiance. People that have not been thru this have no idea what its like to have your life taken away from you. The only people that I have an ounce of empathy with are divorced and seperated people that were shat on. Strange but true. Chris.

  • mike62
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09 Jan 08 #10307 by mike62
Reply from mike62

I have been separated nearly a year now, and I still feel utterly numb about the idea of a new relationship - Just not interested. I didn't have the same betrayal to deal with that you had. In my case, we simply grew further and further apart.

It isn't all that long since your world turned upside down, and I am sure that you are still psychologically dealing with emotional 'unfinished business' from your previous relationship. It is inevitable that you will be feeling the way that you do - You don't want to be hurt again - who can blame you for that?

It sounds like your new man is just what you want and need, but there is a big pile of emotional baggage from your previous relationship that only time is going to lighten.

As AJB said - Trust is earned, not given. I think that both bloomp and ajb have made some very good points.

Best of luck girl! Enjoy some happiness, you really deserve it after what you have been through

Take care

  • sexysadie
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09 Jan 08 #10340 by sexysadie
Reply from sexysadie
I think counselling might help you. Why don't you try Relate - they see people on their own as well as in couples. As others have said, this is your problem, not your partner's, and you do have to sort it out if things are going to work out long-term.

Good luck!


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