Who gets the friends ?

Just a thought . Who gets the friends ? No lawyer or judge can decide this , it just happens .
I know I am being silly ,but I had a friend who I knew long before my ex . Now we are divorced ,I just feel that they are a little too friendly with her . He has bee ndoing a few jobs for her around the house (MY house that she stole from me ) .
I have seen this fella since ,and he is a great guy , but he just felt a little bit "distant" (I may be imagining all this ) I knew him and his partner a few years before my ex ,and it just gets up my nose a bit . She stole my house , stole my money and now she has an old friend .
Trouble i:( s , no court in the world can legislate for it !!!!!
Just life, I suppose

Well we get to choose our friends. Are they still friends with you or is that what is bugging you?

All the friends ex had before he met me have chosen to stay in touch with me. I assume they are in touch with him but we don't talk about it.

I've also made a stack of new friends, some on this site.

You will make new friends.

Post edited by Team Wiki. Poster informed.

I'm sorry you feel like this & I do empaphise because all the friends we had (married nearly 30 years) were actually my ex's friends anyway - many reasons but basically because he was a control freak - maybe one of the reasons I had depression after the separation, I had no support (only 1 brother living 150 miles away) but I was soon glad of it because it meant I didn't have to see people who were still ok with my ex & didn't need to spill out to them all the things he'd done.

My advice is this FWIW, try to see that people choose there own friends & the way you are feeling about this may be driving them away - their seeming a bit 'distant' may be their discomfort that they know how their contact with ex is upsetting you, they may think you are being unreasonable or immature in this, although as I say i completely understand how rotten this may make you feel at the moment.

Realise that you are lovable & likable & that even if some of your old friends slip away, this is a natural course of events & you should concentrate on yourself & gradually you will make new friends by being positive, outgoing & not dwelling too much on the past. There's no real reason why the old friends shouldn't still be your friends too if they don't somehow feel uncomfortable that you're angry at them for keeping friends with your ex. maybe she isn't making them feel bad about keeping contact with you (which would be smart of her since they were your friends first)

I know you must feel a bit bitter about this whole situation, the house etc but being bitter doesn't endear yourself to people.

Take care through this difficult time & remember old is gold, friends who are worth having will stick with you through this if you don't give them a hard time, it's not their fault you & ex parted.

In my case, all ex's family and mutual friends have taken me and our sons off their Christmas card list.

My ex tells a convincing story and is capable of manipulation and lies, you could say he is a professional at it.

My ex has played the victim big style and convinced everyone that he left with nothing and gained little from 20 years of marriage, that his life was controlled and he had little freedom.

So basically it is the person that spills all and tells a good story that gets to keep the friends.

You will find that your bonds with the important people grows stronger, that the people that matter will stay in your life and support you, the others well...

Hi
i lost a lot of friends when me and my s2bx split up mainly because their husbands worked with mine and they didt want to be seen as taking sides which is exactly what they were doing .
some of the people i had known a very long time years and years and i had done so much for them in the past been there when there husbands were away sat their children when they couldt get a minder helped with every thing like you do when you live in an army community .
But I am so glad that i am now off their list because it goes to show what good friends they were and i dont need friends like that .
I can count my real freinds on one hand and i love them to bits one day they may need me and I will be there for them the same way they have stood by me but as for the others well if ever there life is turned upside down then who do they call may be then they will have room to regret there actions .
i did recently get a call from an ex friend full of remorse for how they treated me they called me to say the same thing happened to them and they didt realize just how much their friends had stopped calling and using excuses for not calling round for coffee I wanted to hug them but no i was strong and I said well you can answer that question because you are guilty of the same thing they were sorry I did listen to them and i did try to offer help and support they have been in touch since but i find it hard to see through what they did to me .
But no you can choose your friends and i have learnt that not all friends are friends but the friends i do have are the best friends that i could have and i would always be there if they needed me .
To me true friends you can tell any thing to your darkest secrets and fears and you no they will remain safe true friends will also not forget to included you in any shameless behavior that they indulge in true friends are so special and very rare they will always respect you and a true friend may not always agree with you and they may not always like the decisions you make but a true friend will always be there to help you up when you fall they will let you make mistakes even though they dont like it and try to stop you but a true friend is every thing and more .xxxxx

crackers wrote:

In my case, all ex's family and mutual friends have taken me and our sons off their Christmas card list.

My ex tells a convincing story and is capable of manipulation and lies, you could say he is a professional at it.

My ex has played the victim big style and convinced everyone that he left with nothing and gained little from 20 years of marriage, that his life was controlled and he had little freedom.

So basically it is the person that spills all and tells a good story that gets to keep the friends.

You will find that your bonds with the important people grows stronger, that the people that matter will stay in your life and support you, the others well...

This happened to me - and this is the first time I've ever seen someone who has had the same happen. Even the last Christmas together, cards that arrived were clearly leaving my name off.

We were married for 20 years.

At teh end of the day, I don't care about me, but some chose to not acknowledge the children - including their godmother, who I'd been friends with all my life.

Some have come around now, and can see things for how they were, but I've moved on from them. My address book is very thin, but they are fantastic friends who have always been there for the children and for me.

Saves a lot on Christmas cards!

Please don't think I'm belittling how upsetting this is. I still, five years later, don't understand how some 'friends' couldn't even ask how things were from my view point.

Well its been said before but you really learn who your friends are.

I have been pleasently suprised by some who have remained friends of both myself and Ex....true friends I think who have remained straight and true.

However as others have said Ive been disappointed by those who "have removed me off the Christmas card list" etc. I wonder where they really friends at all!!! As time goes on I find I dont really miss them anymore but it is very hard to take.

About 2 years after i left Ex my Mum died and a couple of old friends called to the wake. I was very shocked when they hugged me and told me how sorry they were. Where had they been during the last 2 years! Somehow their sentiment meant nothing to me...it was too late.

Take care all and hope you all make many more new, good friends.