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Moving on & Dating

  • JLGsDad
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13 Feb 08 #13781 by JLGsDad
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I've now moved out, set up suitable arrangements for my boys and have almost set up in my new flat.
I'm cracking on with my new circumstances (got flat, replaced car, got motorbike etc; ) and now feel a great urge to 'cleanse' myself from my stbex-wife by having a relationship/sex again (men need not apply/feel threatened).

I don't need emotional help, nor do I feel any need to bore anyone with my divorce story (I want to leave that all behind).

There seems to be many ways of doing something here (local dating clubs, internet dating sites, internet 'adult' dating sites, 'escort agencies'/'masseurs' etc; ) and I don't want to spoil this by a quick choice that I later regret - I want to be able to look her straight in the eye and think "I'm over you, and it was great".

Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom to impart to me?
Once you've made contact with someone, what is the best way to proceed?

Keep smiling - it works,

Ian

  • gone1
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14 Feb 08 #13845 by gone1
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Hi Ian. U sound up beat and over. But are you realy? Only you know that. Dating is like walking thru a minefield. Meeting people is not the issue. There are plenty out there like us. People will look at you with a cold eye as (I hope) you will look at them in the same way. Be prepaired for knock backs.

Its the knock backs that take you right back there so dont go there unless you are well and truly over it.

People that have been thru this have trust issues. In fact issues full stop. Accept that you will have steep hill to climb and when you get there it may not be what you want.

The thing I have learned about dating is you need to be completely over it with no issues. That means being ready to trust again and be ready to look um in the eye. Tall order if you have been thru the divorce wringer.

The only new thing I can tell you is take your time. Dont walk where angels fear to tread and dont take the 1st item off the shelf. Not wishing to be unkind but there are lots of nasty people out there that make a living out of turning people over. Just choose wisely with eyes wide open. You dont want to be going thru this process again.

Good luck!! Chris.

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24 Feb 08 #14942 by 2xfoolish
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Read your blurb and one of the answers, so this goes out to both of you really from a girly point of view. Why do you have to go out and stoop as low as your stbx,why look for someone or sex just to prove a point, why not stop looking for someone new and just have fun?
I have begun to "cleanse" myself of my stbx by admitting he has hurt me, but by stopping being angry just admitting to myself that while i will also love him in a small way because of what we had,i dont want, or need him anymore. Yes i am lonely but i am happier and more together than i have been for a few years. It may sound trite but i am not angry just disapointed. (I have also redecorated the house from top to bottom,lost weight,cut my hair and found a social life) but i am doing this for me.
I am moving on by having fun with friends. I agree about the trust issues which is why im not looking for a replacement.
Try it. If my stbxs reaction is anything to go by, having fun and being happy is the best way to say NA NA NA. x

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25 Feb 08 #15007 by gone1
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2xfoolish. Personaly I agree with you and thats exactly what I have done. I enjoy freinds and I dont need anybody. But we are not all the same. Revenge and doing something that the ex disaproves of can be therapy. And you have done exactly that. Decorated the house and cut your hair etc. That in itself is revenge.

Before anyone has a go at me for revenge its primal and needed sometimes. I cant directly inact revenge on my ex becuase its wrong. I inacted revenge on my ex by doing things she would disaprove off. I have a monster sterio and the biggest plasma telly I could afford in my front room. I have lots of friends now and she would disaprove if she knew. All this gives me pleasure. Watching Amy Winehouse falling about the place singing love is a loosing game on my FO telly and hearing on my ohh so large speakers gave me great pleasure and I am sure it helps me. But thats a blokey thing and guess what? Yea U got it.

What jlg is doing is revenge. Its part of the getting over process. He also cant inact revenge directly. But it may get back to his ex what he is doing and may hurt her. For him thats good. This perhaps deep down is what he wants. Who knows. He wants to get out there and do something and if its sex and it gets him over it good for him. As long as the other party does not get affected of course.

We are all different. I think all the primal instincts are good. But I am weird, Chris.

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25 Feb 08 #15012 by JLGsDad
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Chris, 2xfoolish,

I'm not after revenge. I'm doing this for me, and my stbex has nothing to do with it other than her part in a few wasted years.

I will never be free of her, as we share 3 delightful boys and the law/court system means she can b****r me about with relative impunity, and I don't want to do anything that would make things worse for me.

I want to move on with my life, and part of that means reconnecting with women. It's been so long that I've been intimate with a woman, either emotionally or physically. I'm 48 and don't want to waste time.
I'm happy with my own company, but I'd be happier sharing my company with other people. I've got my mates & my work colleagues who give me much, but there is another part of life I'm missing out on.

I don't want to sit around hoping something will turn up. I want to get things moving before it's too late.

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25 Feb 08 #15016 by dukey
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Hello
Sounds like you have thought it through and you are ready, there are lots of dateing sites they might be the way to go, from reading your posts i think your looking for a partner and not just sex so i personaly would aviod the escort route sex without affection would be empty for me.
Vail another member could help with sites hes a bit of an expert and alot older than you (its never to late) i wish you luck and hope you find what you need.
dukey

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25 Feb 08 #15029 by 2xfoolish
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i disagree. what i am doing to m hair and house is not revenge. Revenge would be shagging his best mate, telling the people he works with exactly what hes done or worse not letting him see his son. What ive done is make my former marital home my new home for me and my son. Weve chosen everything together. Yes we are healing but its not revenge. The hair thing, at 36 i was too old for long hair and im simple reinventing myself.

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