Yep we do shape our lives but thats not the problem for most on here !! When in a relationship we mould,bend and fit in to the other partner. We dont seem to notice the changes happening to ourselves. Gradually we stop being an individual and in many cases we are manipulated unconsciously. When the break happens we find ourselves bewildered and if we were able to step back in time find ourselves a very changed person. At an initial councelling session one sentance stands out. The councellor asked what the X had found attractive in me. She listed the points and I realised later that I had been changed away from being that person by the one I married. So when I woke up I reverted as much as you can to being that old person.
And now I realised that I had been changed to suit the aims and needs of another who showed me no respect. So clock wound back I am now me again only with a few more years added !! Polar.
Why do we do it? I thought my stbx was the one who accepted me for who and what I was. Big shock - he didn't! (well he did providing it fitted in with what he wanted )Am trying to restore my faith, not only in the opposite sex but also in me and my own judgement.
The only way forward is to work on yourself. Thats easy to say, damn hard to do. Get yourself what you want to be first before anything else. Stand back and look at yourself..or get someone else to do it for you. Keep what you want..change the rest. No point in restoring faith in the opposite sex until you know who you are. Set your standards. Set your aims and goals. When you get to a stage where you dont care what others think..they either accept you or reject you..then you are getting somewhere. Lately I attended a summer garden party and a barby. I realised that 3 years ago I knew nobody there and this was my new circle of friends. I go back to my post about buying a disposible camera. Take 1 or 2 photos at each event. Eventually you will get it developed and say 'oh I'd forgotten that !!'' And even today I remembered something nice that I had done a couple of years ago and realised how far I'd really moved on. Polar
love reading this discussion - i have been on my own for 21/2 years now and been very miserable at times - thinking about all the awful things i have been through, how i have been abandoned and why etc etc.
my amazing sister asked me what i want my life to be like and i was brought up short! i have a choice. i may loose my house but i can make a home somewhere else. i have a great job and superb colleagues. i create beautiful artwork. i want to be myself! so i worked on that - strong independant amazing me! and i have done all the child care all the paying of arrears on bills i was left with all the sorting of divorce and still worked! whilst ex? ... well i dont need to be concerned with that anymore ...
it can get better
that is not to say i dont sink into some kind of hellish dispair at times - but i pop back out very quickly these days.
i can have my own life - and it is for me!
thank you to all for some lovely quotes that i have put on my wall x
Some sage advice there polar, it is up to those of us who have completed the journey to offer what advice we may to those just starting out or who may stumble or find they are unsure how to proceed at a fork in the road.
I hope that you continue to offer hope and inspiration to all the others, well done.
Im glad that this post is helping people. In the main this site and those on it helped me through the technicalities of the divorce to such an extent that I can play games with her solicitor on the finer points !!
Going back to the topic. Im sure that everyone on this site goes through that hell. 'Why Me' being the worst of all.
I think it would be good to admit that I still have days when I ask this question but in the main Im a damn sight more powerfull as a person than I was. Even had someone tell me the other day that I should be bottled and sold !! Nothing phases me like it did. My X was broken into and I was arrested 2 weeks ago. So was my daughter. Annoying that just as Im back on my feet she cant stop poking. But then again it shows one of my points. She is covering lies with lies and things are not comfortable. (no I didn't do it as I refused to speak to her) .
Divorce worries hit us all. Yep its a long tunnel. But at the end is that light. Head for it. Effort is required but you really have it in you even if you dont think you have. Your confidence just takes a back seat. Ive become the person I probably was before I met her.
As divorce takes over your life you forget what is important. Prompted by various things I realised that my whole existance had been taken up by worries. I decided to see what I could remember of my life before troubles. Just for fun I started writing about my life. A very interesting journey. Its then that I realise that I can remember reams of facts about my childhood onwards. Currently I am on 22,000 words and not got to 20 yet !! With each memory another pops up and these are the things that shaped me as a person. And every fact I write was stored in whatever brain I have !! But for 2 and a half years divorce was the priority. With each bit of this story I find out why I am like I am, why I like or dislike things. In fact its been so interesting that I am discovering the real me. And the real me I like !!
And the more I like myself the more you find others liking you. Win win. So as I say concentrate on building yourself up and you will find that the world will lift you higher. Take care Polar