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Going Mad??

  • wazo
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07 Aug 10 #218073 by wazo
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Polar hunnie, am so glad youve posted. Ok Ok you may be thinking oh no its the spawn of devil (we had a bit of a run it about two years ago.. I blamed the pmt.. it was actually wrong acronym completely - meant STBX (:silly:) but that aside I remember it like yesterday. but in saying that it was such an age ago... at a time when we (I assume you too) but I take it your getting there as I am too..
Oh and if anyone said it once they said it a thousand times.. times a great healer... ok ok I get it now ;)
Thanks Polar (and sorry once again for my stbx induced .. sorry pmt rant 2 years ago) xxx mwah to the joys of visions of the other side :-)

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07 Aug 10 #218074 by polar
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LOL I really cant remember the run in we had !! Not to worry as 2 odd years ago tensions were high and we were probably in the depths of whatever we have climbed out of. To be honest as I said its a period of my life I may not want to see again although looking back my daughter was dragging me up by my ears and taking me to all sorts of places. My photos of the time..remember my disposable camera theory...tell a better story. Divorce matters/worries overtook everything and those photos are a great reminder of good times. (note NO DIGITAL pics. They cant be found in drawers years later.) We all develop strategies for coping, some better than others and I will readily admit I did not recover quickly but looking back I coped somehow with problems that I thought insurmountable in every direction. Thats what makes me better today. To pompous to say its made me a better person but maybe Ive returned to the person I was before I was slowly manipulated away from being me. As I say concentrate on yourself and move forwatd. I have my set of values which I rarely deviate from and thats what makes me ..ME.
Take care Polar

  • Issy
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17 Nov 10 #235287 by Issy
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I have just read this. Some good points but again all about blaming the one who left.

Polar - you talk about changing yourself to mould to what your partner wants.

I did that - thats why I left.
I hated what I had become... I hated the fact I couldn't find what I wanted anymore.
I hated the fact that outside the house I was a witty clever forthright funny person but inside the house I was a drudge.

I keep saying this ad infinitum and I will keep saying it.

People change, sometimes it all gets too much and we have to leave. God knows I tried my best but fundamentally we were
different people.

I was accused of being bitter last night. I am not bitter at all.
I did what I had to do.
I am fed up with people going on and on about folk who have stayed together for 50 plus years, about meaning their vows etc etc.
Have any of you any idea how unhappy some of these marriages are? How in our parents day dreadful things went on in marriages but "good girls don't get divorced".
Is this what those of you who bang on and on about marital vows want?

And I am sorry but people who have affairs are neither wicked, evil or anything else.
Yes they are wrong - no one can deny that.
But the name calling that goes on in this site is appalling quite frankly.

There are posters on here who have been here for at least as long as I have ( actually longer) who still clearly have not made any attempt at moving on because if they had, then their posts would not still be full of bitterness.

I think we are all forgetting that we are human and whether we want to admit it or not it ALWAYS takes two to break up a marriage, with very few exceptions
It's whether you have the self awareness to look at how you may have contributed.
Sometimes it is sad because people just grow apart and one of them wants out. Nothing wrong with that - better to go before you start to resent them. If you fall out of love it is very hard to fall back in again and it is up to you to be honest and say so.
Yes sometimes other folk are involved and that of course is messy and hurtful.
And sometimes it is the behaviour of the other that causes one to leave.

  • MrsH2013
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17 Nov 10 #235294 by MrsH2013
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Issy wrote:

I think we are all forgetting that we are human and whether we want to admit it or not it ALWAYS takes two to break up a marriage

Whilst I get your point and acknowledge that we need to look at our own behaviour I don't quite agree with this. It takes two people to keep a marriage healthy and happy but often only one to actually break it up.

There are plenty of people who sail through what they think is a perfectly happy relationship only to find that their partner has maintained an intricate charade, not because of the way the other person has behaved but because they simply have a need to have their cake and eat it. How can you fix a problem if you're not even aware it exists?

Or how about when one partner has changed but the other hasn't - how are they both at fault if the partner who has changed already knew what was on offer when they first entered into the relationship?

I am not advocating that people stay together in an unhappy marriage but quite often the person who is left behind is not even given the choice as to whether it can be fixed or not - as with life in general not everything that is damaged is unrepairable.

By the way I say this as someone who left their husband where no other parties were involved, and as we are now amicable I have no personal axe to grind :)

  • julie321
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17 Nov 10 #235297 by julie321
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I agree with you Kitty. I had no idea my stbx was unhappy and seeing someone else until the day he said he was leaving, I had no opportunity to right anything that may have been wrong.

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17 Nov 10 #235301 by polar
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Not been on here for ages but as you will see there are lots of posts on here saying thank you. This post was set up in relation to people who couldn't understand why..yes that eternal question why. Wont go into what happened to me but thats history but hell it took me three years to piece together what happened. And it isnt pretty.
Yes people who have affairs are wicked. Why??
Because they have the security of family, roof over their heads, food , in fact all the security of a fall back. Hopping off to bed someone else , living the little high life on a lovers money. Prostituting themselves for fun. And if it all goes wrong they can fall back to the old position of security again..that is until they fancy a little more of the high life. Its a total abuse of TRUST. IF YOU DONT LIKE YOUR MARRIAGE>>>GET OUT. Dont play games. But your post suggests that you agree with people who will happily bedhop outside the marriage but pop home again to the family. Yep with no consideration to what they might be doing to another family as well. He might have kids, a trusting wife etc. And hes spending his money entertaining another woman instead of his own family??? And if it goes wrong in the affair then he to can pop home to safety.
In your post you say that you are accued of being bitter. Then you are. Others see in you what you dont see yourself.
Maybe it is the behaviour of the other party that causes you to leave. But your post suggests that you went ''shopping'' before you left. One question ..Are you still with that person if you did?? If not do you know if it did any damage to his family and kids??
Yes my X did that. Went shopping first. Want the list of failures she had?? ant to know how many guys used her but didnt leave their wives...at least 5 . Yes she found a single wimp and controlled him and whilst she used him she was sleeping with another 3 guys at the same time. The wimp dumped her. She was trawling internet sites for men,
Want to know what it did to my daughter?
Wrecked her final exams at uni. I had to pick up the pieces. Yes she did succeed in the end and got 2 degrees but my god it was a lot of hand holding. Who wants a tart for a mother.
And you should hear what the younger generation think of her antics. You see there are underlying morals with youngsters
and yes their attitude to relationships is you are either in it or out of it. No halfway.
I have no quarrels with your point where you say that it is the behaviour of one of the parties that causes them to leave. Alcoholism being a big one and if I see another internet dating site profile which reads ''I love wine;'' I will scream. I went to a funeral yesterday of Pen a very good friend who blew her brains out with booze at the age of 54. Yes her husband got out after having an affair. But that didnt stop him from wanting half her house, half her money etc. (she brought them all into the marriage as she was a young widow) Many nights I sat calming her.
Read all the posts on here. Read the sorrow of what others do to others. If you want to take a lover then leave. Let him support you and not rob the family you left. I think the very fact that you posted in opposition to the majority and your admission that you have been on here a long time shows you may have regretted your actions. If you had moved on why are you still on this site??
This response was only picked up because I received an email not because I visit the site any more. I dont have to. I MOVED ON

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17 Nov 10 #235308 by Issy
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Hi Polar

No I did not go shopping as you put it.
I am with someone else. I am interested that you have made the assumption that he was in a relationship - I have to ask you why you think this?
I support myself thank you.

Having said that...
I do not condone people who have affairs - I truly don't. I just do not accept that they are wicked or evil. Stupid, selfish yes. Evil no. And many of them do regret what they did and sadly want to come back to the FH. I think it is great when the spurned one says - err excuse me NO!:)I also think that if you are unhappily married,and meet someone else, then have the decency to leave that marriage first. If the person you fell for loves you then he/she will wait. if they don't then they are not worth it. BUT if you are that unhappy that you are looking elsewhere then you need to do something.

Not that it matters but I did tell my stbx so many times before I left that I was not happy,that I felt WE were not happy.
Each time I did, he would prescribe what he thought was wrong, it was nearly always about HIM and what was wrong with HIM and how crap HIS life was. I urged him to see a doctor re his depression and low self esteem, he refused.When I left the first time he promised he would change. I also made some changes too - we were open and honest with each other.
But it did not work because fundamentally you cannot change people and it could be argued that perhaps he should not have to sacrifice he was to make me happy.And the same goes for me.

So there we are.
I am who I am . I am one that left not one that was left.
But I am not bitter - if I come across that way its because I try to redress balance a little and get carried away sometimes.

Apologies all.

I really am sorry if i caused offence or dragged up old sores - that was not my intention.I think maybe if we had a face to face conversation we would probably both understand where the other was coming from. Words on a keyboard can be so stark.

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