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Going Mad??

  • polar
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17 Nov 10 #235325 by polar
Reply from polar
I agree that words are stark on a keyboard.
Hopefully i write in the third party as opposed to actually to someone. I did question why you are still on here as posts on here tend to drift away as people move on. Those who do stay a long time after moving on do so to help others through the trauma or legal aspects fom an altruistic point of view and with the benefit of hindsight.
My original post was in response to a post where someone was not moving on and really it doesnt matter what method anyone uses but they must go forward. Its always assumed that the leaving party is living the high life which isnt always the case. You only have to read posts where the leaving party keeps sideswiping the X by whatever method.
Relationships are emotional but seems that people want their cake and eat it these days.
I notice that you do mention that you support yourself. I wont catagorise by sex here as it works both ways. But if there are kids then one party usually gets dumped with them. Ive often heard people say oh I support my kids. Oh yeh? So I'll give an example. Every single danmn penny of mine went on supporting me and mine.
That ranges from TV licence onwards. The X however didnt have to heat a large house, withdrew large sums of money and wasted it. Drink holidays and cavorting. On top of that she demanded half. Great. I put all my income into supporting what was left of the family unit but she certainly didnt. For example its assumed that I will pay for the TV licence as I need one anyway so thats discounted. In fact my X deliberately bought a tiny house so she didnt have to put the kids up yet winged that my house was bigger. (value of 2 houses very similar).
My point basically was if not happy get out and THEN find someone else. Far to many posts on here state that people find the better deal first and then leave. That leaves partner and kids confused.
As I said emotions are difficult. If I didnt like a house or car I would dispose of and move on. If I didnt like a job I would move on. But once moved on to whatever you cant look back and return saying I want to sit in that house because it was warmer or I want to borrow the car because I get more MPG out of it. But with kids involved it seems that having dumped the family life they want a share of that back (we exclude what the kids want here by the way) Often its a case of wanting the luxury of the kids without the responsibility. All its leading to is one hell of a mixed up society. And a mess it is getting. The recent announcements on DHSS payments being cut are causing yells everywhere as breakups or irrisponsible parents dont meet or cant meet their obligations. I actually know of a case where the woman left her husband. Went on DHSS and WE supported the family for 6 months via benefits. She went back to him but did they have to pay anything back? Nope. So we gave them tax free money whilst they wondered whether they liked each other !!!
Going back to my original post.
WHY WHY WHY is a common question. Getting the real answer is almost impossible. The real answer of course is that we chose our partner with less care and back checking than we would choose a second hand car!!!
But I still maintain that an affair within a marriage is a complete breach of the trust of the other party. Unfortunately the affair runs with the option to return to status quo if things go wrong so its a case of cake and eat it.
As I said I moved on. rebuilt, retained my dignity and never have to ask what if. hat is going to be in my life is far more important than hearing through my daughter that my X has been dumped by yet another bloke and she is misserable and wants my daughters support after dumping/ignoring her for 3 and a half years.

  • Issy
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17 Nov 10 #235337 by Issy
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Hi Polar

Sadly I am in the minority because what you say seems to be the norm.:(
My children are both grown up but my stbx and myself sat down and had a full conversation about the youngest who is still at uni.
We both contribute financially equally to her outgoings. We both agree that the well being of both girls come first and we both discuss the girl's problems and always present a united front where appropriate.
When I left I continued to pay my half of the mortgage - it never occurred to me not to. I have to say though that I refused to pay half his bills for heating the house and also his food. I did contribute to our youngest's food etc though.
He took a loan out to buy me a car - I am paying him back for that. Daft as it may sound I am also paying towards the well being of the two cats I left.
I see awful cases on here from men and women who have done exactly what you have cited.
I would never do that.
I have had to take a second job. I do get times when I am scared BUT I was scared in my marriage as well.

I am a maelstrom of emotions at times - he was and is an emotional abuser - he is now doing to our daughter what he did to me.
BUT I will still maintain he is essentially an honest man.

I am decent as well - I have tried not to ***** him off to friends and family - which is ridiculous in a way because some of them think I have lost the plot as we always appeared so happy.
I can't talk about it too much. It really is too painful and like grieving you go through peaks and troughs. At the moment it is not good for me. I had to spend a night at the FH last night and it brought back some bad memories...

But your original post was good...

Sorry for the rant.

  • charleyb123
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17 Nov 10 #235339 by charleyb123
Reply from charleyb123
I think there are lots of good points - I'm technically the baddie in this as I have found someone else, having agreed to give my marriage another go then finding my stbx was seeing other women/on dating sites/etc etc so I guess I feel a fool. I'm sure things will get better, but it's hard to remember that when you are in the middle of so much sh1t. Also, he refuses to leave the matrimonial home, so I never get a minute to myself, unless I go out, which is hard - I want to chill out on my sofa in my house. Please God, let the house sell soon then I can move on :S

  • polar
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17 Nov 10 #235354 by polar
Reply from polar
I just typed a message and it crashed !!
Interestingly enough as you both ( Issy and Charley) open up a defferent picture emerges.
I dont agree with affairs and still stand my ground on that one. But them Im not in either of your shoes.
Partnerships can best be described as the best option at the time. By the time you find out that its not what you want its to late as you are saddled with commitments and responsibilities and unlike a car where you can just trade it in you have to take an overall picture for a length of time. If we go back to the original post there are some devastating stories on here. To many variables to consider itemising. Its interesting reading some posts where ladies fell into another relationship very quickly..yep they have one big attraction for men !! Its well documented however that men take much longer to recover than women. Without going into sexism men also generally are more career orientated and earn more. Its almost always the mother who is awarded custody as well. I know two cases where the couple split, got back together and to ''prove'' love had another baby. They then split again and the guy loses his house,(18 years in one case) his kids, is screwed by the woman for maintainance as she is on legal aid and he earns, and he ends up in a bedsit. Some hope of making another relationship when he has no money and no nest to present.
I make no bones about it. I will never ever speak to my X ever again. FULL STOP. It took me 3 years to place the jigsaw together. Its to long a story to present here. In a nutshell. I was a very good option at the time. House, car , money in bank and she had zilch. But she had a plan and yes the plan is fully documented in her writing !! She wanted to buy her business, have a child and be a success and then split after 10 years. What was meant to happen to kids etc was not thought about. In fact we were together for 25 or were we?. Being devious and knowing that I was a loyal trusting type she started her affairs with all and sundry after 10 years using business as an excuse for being late/etc. I built up my business, she built up hers. My parents died and the inheritances together with grandparent inheritance on my side. I know what caused the sudden departure now.(thats documented now as well) At the time I didnt as the lies and deceit continued. Overpayments to her parents totalled £250,000 and again this was part of the plan. I was always told that it would come back as inheritance but she divorced me prior to that and inheritances in the future dont count. She then went for half of what I had. Thank god pre-nups are in now as it would certainly stop this sort of thing. And Im not an isolated case . Its getting more and more common for a pauper to marry a rich one. After so long get half. Some widows may testify to this. Men who marry foreigners are also prey.
In fact I take some solace in tha fact that after her games..and yes they still continue against my daughter and myself, that while I struggled to rebuild she is destroying herself. It really is nothing more than mild amusement now to me. I have standards, I know who really held the family together and brought my daughter up. I know who is better respected. Will I ever really trust again. Doubt it. Thats probably unfair on the new ladies I meet but experience taught me that being good and trusting just doesnt pay.
So once again if anything at all helped someone get back on their feet and put the jigsaw of why things went wrong together it was worth it 100%
One last point. Yep I can fully understand that people say that people change. In reality they dont. Leopards rarely change their spots. Its just that we ignore the bad and concentrate on the good when we meet someone. I do know however that in my case drink was a big factor. My daughter describes her as alcoholic. There are too many posts on here where alcohol was a factor. But people say their partner changed. Well mne certainly did with alcohol being a major factor. It wasnt me who changed but I was blamed for it. Huh they squeal about banning smoking. How about screaming at all the problems caused by alcohol.

  • LouCheshire
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17 Nov 10 #235432 by LouCheshire
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Aah Polar I could kiss you.
Unlike you I dont get many thanks as I am, I fear too opinionated after my hellish journey.
I was cheated on, left for a younger model..disregarded, left with no home, young children and no car while HE invented a new life, new beautiful home, new baby, amazing holidays...all without a backward glance.
There were days I wanted to be dead because I couldnt stand the torture anymore.
My ray of sunshine walked into a pub I was in 18 months ago..and my despair eased...we live together now and support the children together (my ex has sporadic contact with the children when they do interfere with his new life).
Though now I wonder what I ever did without my guy (and what I ever saw in my ex, not just physically but the person he was..greedy, boastful, devoid of shame or empathy) I still reel at how I have been treated....
Which is why not many people on wiki like me.
Keep writing your amazing posts...I'm going to be looking out for them!
Lou xx

  • polar
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18 Nov 10 #235460 by polar
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Lou I only talk from experience. !!! I know what happened. I know what she did. I was part of the plan and when we should have been blowing our ill gotten gains touring the world and playing happy fanilies but she decided to destroy it all for her selfish little sh***. So instead of enjoying a lifetime of hard hard work she fritters money like water on frivolous items and has work done on her house at a cost of muliti thousands , has exppensive holidays etc etc. I am left struggling to keep everything intact. We are divorced but her solicitor deliberately missed out the Consent Order bit so whilst I held the fort together for my side she blew the bl**** lot . So if it comes to a bust up the poor little thing who paid herself £15,000 one month wont have a bean and will have another pop at me.
As I said what she does now is of mild amusement to me. I have my daughter, I have my self respect . I have a new life.
Nope there are some things she did.
Screwed 5 married men whose wives stayed with them as it must have been a one off..like hell.
Went out to destroy my social group completely by befriending all the wives of my friends and pouring out lies even though she lives 20 miles away.
Oh I could go on. I think its all summed up by her internet dating profile.
LIESL50 which in lower case actually reads lies 150 !! how apt !!

Its one reason I am allowed to smirk when I hear things are going wrong and going wrong they are.

I think it was all summed up ny my daughter in one simple sentence. She said.

''Dad would you sell everything you had to save my life'' I of course said yes. To which she replied '' Then the money you had to pay her was cheap because youve got me and she hasn't' Yep money very well spent !!

PS Im glad you had a happy ending or could you say beginning and yes I also think what the hell did I see in my X. I knew what she saw in me because she told one persom. ''Ive lost my very best friend '' how careless !!!

  • hawaythelads
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18 Nov 10 #235464 by hawaythelads
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Fortunately Issy for you.You haven't had to live your life through the aftermath of your spouse having had an affair.
It's the consequences that their choice and actions have on you that leads people to describe it as evil,I don't know I'd go that far but it certainly causes an unbeleivable amount of pain,and sense of betrayal to a reasonable person,and financial hardship.
As I have always maintained if a person wants to go and have an affair and have their life,that's fine but the abuse comes when they still expect you to finance it.
And some things you can never get back and never be compensated for like raising your kids as a proper Dad on a daily basis.
I always think that's the saddest part for me.
All the best
Pete xx

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