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Going Mad??

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19 Nov 10 #235757 by charleyb123
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Thing is, it's never clear-cut though as human emotions and motivations are complex things. In my case, my stbx would be out all weekend, a lot of week nights, never wanted to do anything with me and the kids, moaned when I `made' him come out with us and so I got incredibly lonely. Being lonely in a marriage is a terrible thing.

This time last year I was on anti-depressants, seeing a counsellor and my GP just to stop myself from putting a rope around my neck and tying the other end to a tree branch. I kept trying to work out why I was so unhappy??? I had a husband, kids, job, friends etc. Eventually I found an interest and started to go out on Sundays, rather than spend time alone. From this I made new mates and met a new man who treats me wonderfully. Did I intend to have an affair? No! After 27 years of monogamous marriage, having met the first man I slept with, I was hardly going to become a tart overnight! But my new man did make me realise why I was so depressed and how life could be with someone who wants to be with you, share with you and care for you. So of course I look like the baddie because I asked for a divorce ................ then I found that my stbx was on dating sites, had been seeing at least 5 other women and his weekend activities were not what they appeared to be. His result letter from the GU Medicine clinic made me realise just how much danger I had been in.

I'm sure if you listen to his version of events, you will feel for him as he now seems very down about things, but I will only say that people do things for reasons - maybe, as his friend said to me `He is a plodder, he just wanted his house clean, his dinner on the table and to do what he wanted when he wanted, and you have effectively ruined that for him'.

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19 Nov 10 #235771 by polar
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Yes I think sometimes we ignore what is staring us in the face whatever it is. We put up with it. I certainly put up with her 'behaviour' of wanting to be sucessfull thinking that it would end up as a nice easy plod at the end of it.
Is she really happier that she broke up the family. I hear not. Not that that bothers me. As I said Ive nothing to justify. So when she told people that I was a nice guy and she would not say anything bad about me it did make me wonder what she had gained. It took 3 and a half years for the lights to dim and I now hear that she wants to be friends and is even contacting my relatives.
But you see I moved on. Having someone like that in my life now just isnt on. Oh now I get the solicitors letters wanting this that the other. My daughter and myself were so hard up that it was one light bulb, not flushing the toilet unless you had to, burning wood to heat the house. But between us we rebuilt to a very good lifestyle. And nobody is going to damage what we have now. As my daughter says..yep she can come back if she repays the money you gave her but she has spent the lot..on herself. I wont give figures but she has gone through 10 years of average wages in 3 and a half years. Her choice but dont dump someone and expect to be able to dip in again. Someone more worthy will be the beneficiary.

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09 Jan 11 #244196 by leap68
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Hi I think i have gone through half of what you have said and after 6 months getting easier. Thanks for showing ther is an ending polar!
Paul

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09 Jan 11 #244235 by polar
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Hi
Well Im a long way down the line now. I think time passes very slowly in the early stages and you think that you will never get out of the Cr** that you find yourself in.
I now go to a place where there are lots of guys in a similar situation to me and they are of all ages. To be homest they are now coming to the conclusion that they dont want a woman in their lives. So we are becoming a social culture where women and men will live on their own.
My advice as it is to everyone is to become better in yourself. Work on yourself rather that seek a relationship which is what a lot of people try and do. By doing that you will become a happier person. achieve what you want to do and if the right person comes along then you will be more attractive to them.
It really does start to fade into distant memory eventually and you wont care. And if thats what they wanted let them get on with it. Just become a better person yourself.

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10 Jan 11 #244262 by Garnet
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HI POLAR,
Super Post...you really nailed it!! For myself, it really is all about the law of attraction and 'being the change' you want to see in the world. Nope, you're not going mad...you're going places! and the Universe will let you know in good time.
Thanks again for sharing
Garnet

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10 Jan 11 #244289 by polar
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Hi,
Yes it is about going places but depending upon circumstances the time it takes to dust yourself down and fire yourself up can vary wildly due to many factors, Age of the party is one and length of the relationship is another. Women seem to recover faster due to their circle of friends while many men feel isolated. Men can be separated from their kids yet are still liable for payments. It is a huge variable in every direction. It is interesting the attitude shown on internet dating sites where women use the words ''looking forward to a new chapter in my life'' in a huge number of profiles. This would indicate that they are able to see the past as gone and look forward to the future. As I have never seen these words in male profiles one could assume that the past is easier to forget for women. I do know that in my case my X was able to close the book as if nothing had happened in the past 25 years . Of course she could as she had already set up her new life, had the secure income to do it and basically left the problems to me. Her pangs of regret lasted weeks if not days. On the other hand I regularly comminicate with a guy who is still embroiled with problems over a year later with no respite on the horizon.
Life seems to be put on hold and problems definitely take over your world. This is often exacerbated by legal wranglings, fears for the future and financial hardships. All made worse by mud slinging.
Eventually you realise that there is nothing you can do except work on yourself and build a new life. You cant change the past but you can change the future. You made one mistake. Choosing the wrong partner and that is it. On that point I do think that the average person chooses a partner with less care than they would if they were buying a second hand car. Dazzled by the shiny exterior of the person the past history is often ignored. In my case that was definitely true. There were dark secrets that took years to come out. A lot of mechanical defects under the paintwork. Yes they were evident and I see now that I ignored them. Its a pity that humans are not able to trade in one partner for another in the same way and concentrate on the current rather than the past but that is emotions for you. That leaves you in a situation of having to work on yourself, your issues and your future. There really is no other option !!! I do meet a lot of sep/divorced women who sem to have sorted out their lives with a whirl of social activity based on friends and girlie nights etc. Men do seem to have a far more lone approach which is why working on yourself to the exclusion of most other things gets a man back on the rails faster. Easier said than done. But it can be done !! On average I take out one potential partner a week. Working on myself must have worked. My circle of people who want to know me expands on a daily basis. Considering my life today compared with that of 3 and a half years ago it bears no resemblance except for the immovable objects. And looking back I am surprised at what I achieved without seeing it at the time.

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22 Jun 11 #274140 by divorcementor
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Hi polar!

Super like!..Especially the one that says..

"Those who cheat will cheat on the next person again. Once a cheater,always a cheater."

Whooo!:cheer:

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