While I am currently in hell with mine a good friend emailed me and it made me smile and made me hopeful that others may be as lucky as them to have a civilised respectful divorce
"I went to xxx last night to sort out the finances. In true form - he was amazing and didn''t put up a fight or do anything stupid. We were fair and respectful...the usual for us He was pretty emotional last night though...which is highly unusual for him. We talked a lot and of course I ended up crying....but let''s be real...I cry at the drop of a hat...ha! Anyway, we talked again when I got home and he shared a blog withe me. He has a friend who is getting divorced and they too are doing it very amicably. They are blogging about their experience. I read the blog and while I can appreciate where the wife is coming from, I don''t necessarily agree with her (agree in the sense that while we are both being amicable, I don''t see things the same way she does...I respect her opinion, but it''s not mine). So I ended up writing my own version of the blog and sent it to xxx (their blog is called A Happy Divorce):
A Happy Divorce starts with Absolute and complete respect and care for yourself first, and then for your spouse. I respect and care for myself. I respect and care for Brian....always have. Always will.
Love is a funny thing. It has so many meanings and so many degrees. I love pasta. I love my parents. I love New York City. They all mean different things.
xx and I fell in love several years ago, but as life moved us through time, that love changed. I don''t think xx is a bad person because his love for me changed. I believe he just loves me differently.
I''ve given up trying to explain what happened because it''s like trying to understand why I used to hate tomatoes and now I love them. Instead I have chosen to just accept him for who he is.
We have two beautiful dogs that we love and care for. We''ve changed our focus from Team xxx to Team Frankie and Howie. Howie takes up most of that team effort, but we''re getting there.
I do plan on getting married again. I still believe in Forever. I''m sorry that person wasn''t xxx...but I am happy that he is doing what is best for him...because it''s given me a chance to find the best for me. And in the meantime, we''ve learned how to love one another in a different way. To care for one another and to always know that we''ll be there.
xx is a true friend. He''s a giver. And he''s honest. His honesty resulted in our divorce...but it also created our friendship.
In no way do I mean to say I had no part in his love changing. But I find it pointless to go back and try to figure out "what went wrong". We were always respectful. We rarely disagreed. And we had more fun with each other than most people get in a lifetime. Marriage just wasn''t the best thing for Brian and I. And I appreciate that he''s given me the opportunity to be a "we" with someone else.
Thank you for 6 years of being my boyfriend, then fiance, then husband. They were awesome. Looking forward to a lifetime of friendship.
And don''t you ever, ever think you are lonely in this world. Never. You are not alone. You never will be. I will never let that happen.
My ex and I didnt have an amicable divorce, it took about 18months to sort out. In that time we really didnt like (understatement!!!) each other much, eventually it all got sorted.
We both learnt to forgive each other for that terrible time and became good friends. In fact when my second relationship ended in a disaster, my ex husband would not only look after his boys but also my daughter from my 2nd relationship so that I could continue to work.
Unfortunately my ex met his current wife and she really couldnt cope with me being his friend nor could she cope with being a stepmum to our boys. She slowly and deliberately distanced my ex from his boys and they havent seen him for 2years, which is really sad.
At least I know that I tried my best and didnt cause the split between the boys and their father.
Somuch2know2 - the major problem in your case is your new partner. As much as your wife may have felt the same as you about your marriage, the fact that you had an affair is what has made her be as difficult as hell. And then of course you came back and continued the affair.
If you had left the marriage without anyone else being on the sidelines,and you had not had an affair, she would have been much easier on you.
Not necessarily Sillywoman. Even if somuch had left without having an affair this woman could still be acting in exactly the same way. If she was also so unhappy in the relationship why didnt she walk away??
She sounds the type to moan about her unhappy marriage but wont leave because it would actually mean she would have to be financially responsible for herself.
My partners ex was the one who had the affair etc and she has been a complete nightmare. She still expects my partner to pay for her lifestyle and really cant understand why she now has to to support herself.