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Why do I feel my life is still not my own?

  • maisymoos
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15 Apr 12 #323896 by maisymoos
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My stbx left after his affair to set up home with OW. Despite how hard this has been I have accepted the children still need a father and have been co-operative about all his access requests, he has the children from thurs to mon school drop offS every other week and half main school holidays.

I have a new male friend who I have been seeing since aug 2011. I have just introduced the children to him and all went well. Apparently my stbx and ex mother in law are now using the children to try and find out about this friend, what he earns what he does for a living etc etc. It will always be about money to my stbx. My friend and I live separately and are happy with this, he never stays over when i have my children with me. We are content with how things are. Why can''t my stbx just leave me alone, he has chosen his new life why can''t he respect my privacy and my right to a my own private life which I have been extremely careful not to thrust at my children .

  • sulkypants
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15 Apr 12 #323903 by sulkypants
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It is always going to come down to money you said that yourself if he can a way of reducing his payments to you he is going to interogate the kids.

Your kids will know this, there clever.

If the chap is decent and is not a danger to your kids gentle introductions can go ahead your not asking them to call him Daddy.

Do your children come into contact with his new partner? One rule for him but a different rule for you.

He may be your ex but he does not like the fact he is losing control of you.

  • fairylandtime
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15 Apr 12 #323905 by fairylandtime
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Maisymoos ladysurry is right 2 reasons:

Money - your x want to know about your new ptn to see if he can reduce any money he pays to you.
Control - it is often the case that although they are the ones who have moved on & in with the OP they cannot relinquish control on the other party.

Might also be that your x & xmil are just nosey LOL (tempting to tell stories here but I wouldnt :laugh:)

Just tell your kids that if either ask re your new ptn the line of "why dont you ask mum" & leave it at that.

You get on & enjoy yourself

JJx

  • somuch2know2
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15 Apr 12 #323910 by somuch2know2
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Personally I think he would LOVE to see you date, get married and be happy. Your happiness means the kids are happy, it also means he is happy because he will no longer need to pay you SM.

Also- people are just nosey. My STBX and her whole family were googling my current girlfriend... In my case they wanted reasons to justify their cause of hatred, in yours, I think its nothing more than curiosity and hopefully counting down the days until he no longer has to pay you

... and really, if you are happy and loved, does it matter what his motives for your remarriage are?

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15 Apr 12 #323912 by fairylandtime
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Do you know somuch I haddnt thought of it like that & yes that would be lovely for Maisymoos if her X is only after her happyness - Sincere Apologies for my cynical line of fire.


JJx

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15 Apr 12 #323915 by maisymoos
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Faryland and sulkypants you are probably right on both accounts. I think it was a bit of a shock to ex to discover I was not still shedding tears every night and moving my own life forward. I think he liked to think I was unhappy and this made him feel he was still in control.

The hardest thing for me to handle and get used to was knowing the children would be spending time with OW. Perhaps he now realises too how hard this is ad doesn''t like it. MIL is definitely nosey :laugh:

He owes me £1000,s in CSA payments which I am now having to go to small claims court to get. Money appears to be his life.
This will certainly be another motivation.

I have told the children I have no secrets so if questioned they have are not being asked to lie or hide things. My youngest is just matter of fact my older son is more aware about questions he receives.

  • somuch2know2
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15 Apr 12 #323918 by somuch2know2
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Let the kids tell him all about your happiness.. Let them tell him how you smile in the mornings now, or how you dance in the kitchen instead of nattering to your friends about what an A-hole your ex is.

There is no better revenge than personal happiness.

Why keep it a secret? You aren''t marrying the guy yet and its early days. He can''t stop paying you until something gives.

In the meantime enjoy the fun of early romance. The excitement of getting a text just to say "hi" and the wonder of things.

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