I have made a parenting comment on a previous post but i thought i would keep it seperate from that post and comment specifically about it here.
I understand that we all have very different parenting skills and styles and that no one way can be the 100% correct way for all.
I have a very traditional parenting style and I think that it has it''s benefits in some ways but definately not in other ways.
Whilst in my marriage my ex and I had quite a few disagreements over how we parent our children. Now we are divorced the parenting divide is even greater and whilst i am sure my ex would disagree i am very much of the view that the situation is even worse because of the favour one parent offers the children in return for what i can only imagine is some sense of trying to win them over or appear the better parent.
My partner has the same issue with her ex. homework is never done, the children are fed rubbish all weekend, they come home smelling, you wouldnt believe that they even need reminding how to eat properly after they have spent time away from home (apparently it''s fun to open your mouth and show it full of food to others at the dinner table and eating with you mouth wide open is apparently how you are supposed to eat!).
So ok some will say doing that at the dinner table may well be acceptable and fun but whilst i know and totally accept that parenting styles and skills are different, why is it that i feel that one parent provides the proper stable and sensible parenting to include sensible social skills and the other parent is the one who does the easy things which take little or no effort.
We are not born parents and we have to learn it but why cant we all learn and want to do whats best for the children based on a minimum but common and sensible standard and not silly game playing to prove a point which has no benefit at all to the children.
I know that may open the question as to what is minimum common and sensible but i think you will take my point.
I think you have to start with the question of whether both parents truly want what is best for the kids. If yes, then that is a great common ground to begin with. Styles are going to vary and as long as you know and trust that your ex is doing what he thinks is best and thinking of the children and their welfare then I would let it go.
I get comments from my stbx all the time that I am trying to be competitive or that I undermine her. I am always stunned by these comments. I am just trying to do my best. I am a good father and care very much for these children of ours. Sometimes, I think, that she is projecting her issues onto me. That she is competitive. But really I do not know.
Splitting apart really stinks. But the kids need both parents in their lives in a predictable and consistent manner. So, I hope you can do your best to trust your ex and know that when the kids are with him they are loved and cared for.
I guess it would be easier if your ex would simply disappear. But that would not be best for the kids. I hope he steps up and performs as a father who is present and very involved in the children''s lives. That''s what they need. It might not make it easy for you but too bad. Hopefully, with time and effort, you two can co-parent together. Your kids will benefit.
The situation relates to my partner and her ex and neither of us want the ex to disappear. We both think that it is very important that the children have a very healty relationship with him.
I also take your point about parenting and in particular noticed the comment about comments by the soon to be ex.
We agree that how the other half parents is very different but it doesnt make it wholly wrong. It''s just the simple stuff like homework so that they dont come home and worry about school the next day having not done it at dads. And bath''s, that just simple stuff thats so easy to get right.
Thanks for the reply, interesting perspective from the other side.