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Sadness

  • lozzsa21
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03 May 12 #328273 by lozzsa21
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My Decree Nisi was granted 2nd April and Absolute will be 15th May. For the last few weeks I have been in tears over everything. I am fed up with myself but can''t seem to drag myself out of it. Each day getting out of bed is harder. The days my kids aren''t here I don''t want to get up at all.

I am better off without him and I absolutely know that. I just feel such sadness. Sadness that I chose to trust that man and bring children into the world with him. Sadness that he''s been able to treat me like this without a backward glance. Sadness that he never really cared about me and I invested 12 years in someone who didn''t give a shit. Sadness that my kids just are not the same kids anymore and I don''t know what to do.

I get on with things and I know people think I''m coping, but each day that passes I just feel more and more despair at my situation. He''s moved in with someone and her 3 kids playing happy families, and I just cannot imagine ever being able to do the same.

Does this phase just pass, like all the others? I thought I would have been looking forward to ''the end'' but in all honesty I feel nothing, just empty.

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03 May 12 #328285 by positive99
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Hi Lozzsa
Your post is my life at the moment.

I chose to leave an unhappy marriage with the belief that I would rather be miserable on my own than miserable within my marriage.

It has been a year for me now and tbh it seems harder now than at the start because if I am honest I probably feel like you...nothing.

Within a couple of weeks of the ex leaving our marital home he had met his new partner who he is about to move in with. He sees the kids when he can fit them in. I care for them on my own providing everything yet the kids still adore him and see no fault.

He is in the process of introducing kids to new partner which is killing me but what can I do.

He appears to have his life sorted, whereas I who made this choice would appear to be treading water if not going backwards.

I read wiki as it gives me hope but sometimes I admit it fuels my desperation at the situation that i find myself in.

I can only hope that as other wikis have said that it does get better with time.

  • Lostboy67
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03 May 12 #328289 by Lostboy67
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Hi Lozzsa,
You naturally feel sadness as the end of your marriage aproaches, some people celebrate it but by no means all. You are looking back over the past and its inevitable that this brings sadness. But you need to start looking at your future you need to start planning that. The past is just that the past and nothing you can do or going over it will change it. Don''t compair you situation with his, you don''t know for sure its all happy families.
Once the 15th has passed that should help you with focusing on working on your future.

LB

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04 May 12 #328310 by Canuck425
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I understand the sadness. I too have been feeling that acutely lately. It''s ok to be sad. I have to keep reminding myself to fully feel the sadness and don''t try to discount it or rush it away. Be sad. That way, when it passes, life will be that much richer.

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04 May 12 #328353 by Marshy_
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Hi Lozza..

lozzsa21 wrote:

Does this phase just pass, like all the others? I thought I would have been looking forward to ''the end'' but in all honesty I feel nothing, just empty.


Yes it does pass. But you dont know where the real start of this phase was. For some, this phase starts at separation. For others, it could be when the finances are sorted and perhaps the Consent Order is signed. I suspect in your case, its the Decree Absolute. But your not alone. Many see the Dec abso as the final thing. The one thing that end it all. And it can make you sad if you have not really faced upto things and esp if you are putting on a brave face to the world as if you are Ok when in side you are crumbling.

From what you say, perhaps you have not accepted the way things are now. And sure, it must hurt to know that he is playing happy families to someone else''s kids. But remember, he has his own kids. And being dad to kids that are not yr own is not the same as being a real dad. A real dad made them kids. Not him.

I want you to take heart in something.. You may think that all is great where he is. But its a mission taking over someone else''s kids. As any step parent will tell you. You cant be the real parent and you have no rights at all when you are a step parent. So if it ends with her, he will be separated from her kids as well. And there is a fair chance it will end.

As for you, you are blessed with children. I know you think that all this time was perhaps a waste, but you got something that a lot of people would die for. The kids. But I know its hard brining up kids on yr own. U are a single parent after all. But you have them. U are a mum. And thats a special person to be. We only ever have 1 real mum. And a mum is usually revered. Ok sometimes they are shouted at and so on. But you are a mum. And that is spesh.

You will all get past this. Things will settle down. He will either be a dad to yr kids or he wont. It may peter out and he dont see them so much. Which is a huge mistake from his side.

But take heart. Your problems are here and now. His have not started yet. When you are out of the woods, he will be just entering the living hell that is called Step Parenting and if he stays with her, he can only ever be a step dad. You on the other hand are a real parent. A real mum. And no money in the world can buy you that honour sister. This is what you earned in those 12 years. C.

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04 May 12 #328368 by lozzsa21
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Hi all,

Thanks for your messages. Positive, it hurts like hell doesn''t it but I suppose we have to believe in our decisions and try to look forward to the future.

Marshy, as usual, I love your post, thank you. I have totally accepted that the marriage is over and I have no problem with that or with him being with someone else. I do have a massive problem with sharing my children and them going off to ''live with'' them 3 days out of 10. I am seeing such changes in their behaviour and such anxiety in my daughter it''s making me so sad. I can''t ever see a way things will be better.

I believe he''s rushed into this without thinking and it won''t necessarily last. Now I can see it from this side, I can''t imagine ever trying to bring a step parent into their lives for the very reasons you have mentioned. That''s whats making me sad. The loss of a family unit. The upheaval the kids are having to go through. I''m occasionally remembering something good from when we were together and the sadness is overwhelming.

I love my kids more than anything and all I ever wanted out of life was a family. I do feel very honoured to be a mum of 2, whether single or married.

I think like Lostboy said, and from reading ''the stages of grief'' etc, that the sadness is recognition of the end of an era, things not being the same anymore. I just hope I can start to feel more positive soon.

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04 May 12 #328373 by Marshy_
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Hi Lozza

lozzsa21 wrote:

I just hope I can start to feel more positive soon.


You will. When the fog starts to lift. It may take a while. But everyone will adjust to this new way of things. Kids are very adaptable. Its just us adults that dont respond to well to change. He may very well regret his rash decision. But thats his problem. Not yours. What you had with him was only meant to last the time that it did. And something that is not meant to be, will never be. No matter what we do.

You have the rest of your life in front of you. A life that is not designed yet. Its for you to create this new life. To shrug off the past and look forwards. In time you will start to see this new life. But for now, you have sorrow for what has gone before. But as I have said and many have said, this phase will not last. One day you will walk out into the sunshine. C.

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