Feel confused

It''s been over eight years since ex and I split up. Everything was sold to pay off his massive debts that I had no idea existed. I had to sell my car too to pay off his debts.

I''ve always remained close to my in-laws - and they still referred to me as their daughter-in-law. Mother-in-law is, in fact, a step-Mum. She (a widow) married FiL (a widower) five years after ex and I married.

Ex was in debt within 6 months. At the time he had a £34k a year job.

There have been a lot of issues with contact, and now he hardly sees the children (who are quite grown up now). He saw them twice last year, and phoned about three times. He has remarried, and that is when the contact reduced quite quickly.

Father-in-law died a few weeks ago. We''re devastated. I took the children there each week, and he would phone me for chats in between.

Anyhow, MiL has found a debt that FiL had. He made her aware of it before he died. A lot seems to be for things for the ex, who has also had more than £20k over the years.

Property left to MiL for her life time, she can sell and use most of capital to buy a new one. Ex has a small percentage.

He''s already suggested that she sells property at auction - basically he wants the money...
She''s staying put, and is a very strong character. Family (she has grown up and very sensible children) and professionals think he''s going to do all he can to push her into selling.

Now, to be honest, if he was to be run over by a bus tomorrow, I''d say "oh". If it were me to be run over by a bus he''s say "who"? We have no interest in each other. I have no contact details, so couldn''t update him with anything anyway.

I find I''m defending him. In a way, people now realise that what I went through had nothing to do with me. Yet it bother me that people are thinking ill of him. I''m defending him with MiL too, and she hopes I''m right. But certain I''m not.

At the funeral I set eyes on him for the first time in probably three years. I felt sorry for him. He asked where one of our children was, as one had to go to finish GCSE work off. He also has SEN, so couldn''t have coped anyway. We had a reasonable discussion...

Now he is in my head again, with people worrying about how he''ll behave. I don''t want him in my head.
He''s chosen not to be a responsible parent, which I accept (we were married for 20 years).

I can''t get him out of my head while all this worry is going on with my wonderful MiL.

But I don''t want him in my head. I just don''t understand my emotions here.

Sorry for the rant. Just possibly, if someone gets to the end of this, they can help me understand me?

Hi NH

Could it be that because you have spent so much of your lives together & there once was a connection between you that it''s not that you feel responsible but that you feel as if your x was one of your children.

Not sure if this makes since, but to give history of my thoughts - my x always bad with money & drank (alcohol dependant not alcoholic when together IMO). Found out recently (2+ yr split & divorced) that x is moving back home due to £. It was almost as if I felt responsible - I felt sorry for x & defended him to family, he does pay CSA & did think of cancelling this but tbh it''s miminal & needed. It was almost as if I wanted to "fix it" like I would have when we were married (as I always did). So I know how you feel, you feel as if you want to / should do something but the other (more sensible side) says no you cannot do anything, you are not responsible etc etc so the fight goes on in your head & because of this your head is open to the thoughts of x again.

I don''t have an answer as such, it may also be that because others now see x as he actually is, ESP your kids (whatever their age) it again feels that "you" feel responsible for your x''s actions when together? Am rambling now sorry.

Yu cannot "fix it" & I would be pragmatic & be there for your mil.

Stay strong JJx

Wow, it must be the evening for rants. I have observed in those around me before that for one reason or another - kids, friends, families, ourselves, - we never are truly free of our ex''s and they always have the ability to touch a very raw nerve. I have no answers but I hope the feeling of frustration, anxiety, anger, affection? - or a memory of it, pass soon, I suppose my only thought is, stop defending him to your Mother in Law with whom you seem to have a great relationship....but you will know best. I just wanted to send some support even if I don''t seem to have advice or answers.....sorry about that!

The children (feels odd calling them children - oldest is 20) don''t know what went on or what''s going on.

I don''t think I feel like he''s one of my children, but I hadn''t thought of that before...

Eldest is bloody awful with money and MiL thinks it runs in the family. I''m usually pretty good with money and hope I continue to be...

His CSA has gone down to £48 a month now, from £58... I have to say that he has asked to not pay, but I refuse as I feel he should. MiL not impressed as he''s off on holiday.

It was good to see him happy with his wife. I don''t have an issue there, and feel he is her responsibility.

I should be glad that people can see how he is now, shouldn''t I? People who I thought were good friends haven''t spoken to me since we split - and I have no idea why. They must be seeing things now.

Can''t understand why I''m not delighted.

Thank you so much for the reply though. I can see myself giving me a migraine!

Thank you.

Mind you scaryclairie, I''d hate to think affection was involved, as I was chuffed and relieved to reach the indifferent part of things. Well most of the time.

And I know the indifference works both ways

I think I just need everyone to stop building things up and talking about him. Just can''t quite tell my MiL to shut up - not yet, anyway.

FLT, I don''t want to Hijack New Horizona blog, but I have been thinking along similar lines lately, A friend told me I was always so loyal to ex. And I think it was because I saw him as a slightly emotionally injured person and I wanted to give him back the resect and confidence I thought he deserved (and which I had not diminished.) I always looked for excuses for his bad behaviour......and thank you for your lovely reply to my own rant over in blogs.

New Horisons. I quite understand the need to feel indefference. This seems to be a re-opening of an old war wound that you thought had completely healed. Dare I say, perhaps you are not as indifferent as you thought. It''s always complicated by the fact that however we don''t want them in our lives we see them reflected in our children.

You poor MIL. What a shock to find her husband had risked her security for her ne''er do well son.

I hope it all calms down soon and the normal indifferent service can be resumed. Take care. (PS Perhaps your MIL just needs to hear you agree with her rather than defending him....perhaps that is why she keeps going on, like knocking at a dooor waiting for an answer..just a thought. After all, she might expect you to empathise - which does not mean you have to)