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Why will he not come in the house?!?

  • emma b
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26 May 12 #333019 by emma b
Topic started by emma b
I am happily Divorced and ex has re-married, myself & kids live in FMH.

When dropping off & collecting kids, he refuses to come in the house. I would like him to come in to discuss various parenting things - school, diary dates etc, but he won''t.

So I end up having to stand at the front door and discuss various things whilst he stands on the doorstep. The reason this concerns me, is that the things we have to discuss are our business and not the neighbours! In the winter and bad weather it is particulary daft as he gets wet and I waste a lot of heating.

So my Qs are for non-resident Dads - are you invited in to your ex''s house? Do you go in your ex''s house? If not why not? What can I do to change the situation, or should I not bother?!?



  • Canuck425
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26 May 12 #333032 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Who knows why? Maybe he doesn''t feel comfortable in your house or there are just too many bad memories. I''m not sure it really matters.

I agree that discussing parental issues is very important and needs to be done in a environment where the two of you can sit, talk and think. Have you suggested meeting at a set time each week in a neutral location for an hour to talk about the kids? This would give the two of you a scheduled and consisten time and location to discuss things. A pub or coffee shop might be a better location than your house.

If you want you can always look him in the eye and say with compassion "I want you to know that you''re welcome in my house but it''s ok if you don''t feel comfortable coming in". I bet that would help as well.

When I moved it out hit me really hard. I lived there for 10 years and helped define it. Now I don''t live there any more. It hurts a lot. So I can understand why he doesn''t go in. I go in because it is easier but sometimes I would prefer not to...

  • L4N
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26 May 12 #333038 by L4N
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Hi Emma B,

Could be lots of reasons.

I had to laugh as I am not aloud to step over my ex''s door.

Reason I don''t every refer to her toyboy by his given name I just refer to him by the name I have given him.

She states that until I show him respect that I am not welcome.

It doesn''t bother me at all.
It''s a shame for my daughter as she would love me to see her room. Bless she asks everytime I drop off or pick up.
What she finds strange is that I welcome there mum into my place always. Both the kids have mentioned this.

I have explained to ex that respect is a 2 way thing that is earned & not given. She can''t quite grasp that.

I know for a fact even if I did refer to him by his name I still wouldn''t be welcome.

Do you get on with his new wife? I only ask as if you don''t then that could maybe be a reason or maybe she doesn''t want him to go into your house & has told him such.

I know that my ex''s new partner is just her puppet and does everything she tells him to.
As I have made the effort to try and meet him as I wanted to meet the person who was now spending more time with my kids than me(I hate that fact).
Thought it was going to happen then he obviously mentioned it to ex and that was the end of that.

Why not arrange to meet somewhere neutral to discuss issues regarding your kids.

Maybe tell him over the phone or better still e-mail him that way its in black and white & nothing can be missed or if forgotten he can check again at his leasure.


  • Thurman
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28 May 12 #333512 by Thurman
Reply from Thurman
My ex still lives in our FMH and I really don''t ever want to go back in there. I have trouble just going near it. It was our home for 17 years and it''s just too painful.

When I left it for the last time I had a good look round and all I could see was memories... which have to be left behind.

Too painful.

Suggest you and he try to meet (literally) on neutral ground somewhere.

  • Marshy_
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28 May 12 #333517 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
I dont qualify really to post a reply as I am not a dad anymore. But if I was, there is no way I would cross that threshold. The same would be the other way round. If she was dropping the kids off, I wouldnt let her cross into my home. Dunno why this is. C.

  • Rumplestiltsk1n
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31 May 12 #334364 by Rumplestiltsk1n
Reply from Rumplestiltsk1n
my ex wont let me in! lol. She was always standing on the doorstep with her arms folded while i said goodbye to the kids. I just dont bother getting out of the car now and I wouldnt even go through the gate if I walked the kids home which, as we live 400 yards apart, sometimes I do (like last night)
She sent me a text last night at 8.37pm asking how long we were going to be and that it was late, and that the court order says i should have them back to hers by 8.30pm.
I just dropped them off, while she was on the doorstep again with her arms folded, and said briefly that its not that late lol

  • emma b
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31 May 12 #334413 by emma b
Reply from emma b
Thanks for all your views, it seems that this is sort of normal ex behaviour.

Suppose I''m disappointed for the kids, as I want them to see their parents comfortable in the same room. I would like this co-operation to be normal, so that when it comes to 21st birthdays, weddings etc our kids will be comfortable with both parents being there.

I like my ex''s new wife, have no problems with her at all. I am not welcome in their home, in fact I''ve been banned. All seems rather childish to me.

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