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problems with children after divorce

  • Tinkerbelle
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28 May 12 #333578 by Tinkerbelle
Topic started by Tinkerbelle
divorced now since 2010.
daughter age 13
I seem to be struggling at the moment with my daughter
prior to seperation/divorce we lived comfortably well off, lived in nice house nice area, family close by, we didnt live a lavish lifestyle, family holiday once a year, couple of weekends away husband golfed etc etc......
my ex used to tell my daughter that she was better off than a lot of kids at her school he used to joke and say `` your a rich kid``... that never really went down well with me. we were just luck in we had bought a ex council house cheap, sold it used deposit to buy nice house, both worked and werent stupid with money...I didnt really see that as being ``rich``.
seperation/divorce came and went.....
ex remarried, lives in even nicer house lives the lavish lifestyle i guess he always dreamed off, owns his own business, holidays 3 times a year, weekends away money not a issue.
I was lucky enough to get money after my mum died that allowed me to buy a ex council house close to my work and school house needs loads of work done to it, but one of these days im sure ill have it looking better, money wise no luxuries but all bills paid at the end of each month, and I appreciate that makes us well off in comparison to some people these days.
been here year and a half and my daughter just seems to be withdrawing, i asked her the other day why she never brings friends home, when i was 13 i was out with my friends every night rain or shine....she said it was because a lot of the kids still think she is a `` rich kid`` if she takes them to her dads, he dishes out on the good life, and life is so different with us...I asked her if she was ashamed of how we were living, but didnt really get a answer.
I think my daughter feels her dad can offer her the secure carefree life, he very much lavishes his lifestyle on her then she comes back down to earth with a bump when she comes home to mine.
The two lifestyles does cause problems
and usualy im on the receiving end of it `` it would not have been a problem if i was at dads`` etc etc he recently bought her 50.00 shoes, which she only gets to wear at his, thats probably what i would put away for clothes and shoes for the two of us over 2 months......some times i wonder if i would be better just saying to her if that is the life style you want then stay with your dad, but then it sounds as though im telling her to choose between me or dad....
and it shouldnt really be like that. A example of what i am up against is my daughter had a pay as you go phone, nothing fancy but she kept within her budget each month, her dad gets her a smart phone, internet access the works, he has told her she is ok as long as she keeps the bills to around 300 per month (this was after a 500 bill coming in) my mortgage is less than 300 how is this teaching my daughter the value of money . I feel i am just up against a brick wall....and I am so frightened im going to loose my daughter as a result of the lifestyle my ex lives.
I am trying to leave things alone, bite my tongue etc etc but just feel bit by bit my daughter is becoming more and more of a loner and someone who does not understand or care about the value of money...and I dont think its her fault......anyone got any advise or tips on how to cope with this sort of situation, I also know girl aged 13 brings with it problems as well, but what 13 year old girls dont want nice things.

  • Canuck425
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29 May 12 #333656 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
I would talk with your ex and really get into your concerns. I would hope that you two could act like parents and work toward a solution that is best for the child.

There is no right answer in parenting but it really helps if both parents are pointed in the same direction.

If that doesn''t work out then your daughter is just going to have to learn that different people have different lifestyles. Her father lives one way and you live another. One is not inherently better than the other. They''re just different. She''ll get it eventually.

Stay honest and true to your values. Your daughter will be just fine.

  • Tinkerbelle
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29 May 12 #333658 by Tinkerbelle
Reply from Tinkerbelle
Thanks for that.....
Unfortunatly ex thinks there is nothing wrong with what he is doing....he can afford it so why should she not enjoy the life style when she is with him.....he wont change.

I just get the feeling she would prefer to live that life style rather than the ``real life `` lifestyle we have....
I am honest with her, I try to show her that money does not grow on trees.

ex would love it if she decided to life with him....at times i wonder if he is trying to show her that she can have a better life style living with him.

however quite often the grass is not greener on the other side....I sometimes wonder if she needs to work that out for herself.

Your right all i can be is as honest as I can - stay true to the values i hold in life, and hope things work out

I just feel so sorry for her at the moment, when I was 13 i was out with my friends most nights of the week...maybe if some of the other kids around her cant accept the way she lives her life then they are not worth having as friends....a while back we did have a problem where some of them only tried to be friendly so she would take them to her dads, cos he gave them money to go out for a meal and the pictures, and took them on holiday....they would only hang out with her if she was going to her dads that weekend.

  • Bobbinalong
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29 May 12 #333663 by Bobbinalong
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Hi, I don''t think there is an answer to this.
Two problems, one, she is 13, that''s hidden behind what you experience, that brings problems of its own.
Second your situation, all you can do is tell her you do the best you can with the money that comes in, you love her very much and want her to have a good life. It''s nice that dad is able to afford what he can, but also you afford what you can.
At the end of the day money can''t buy love or happiness, doesn''t matter how much you spend on your kids it cannot replace love and affection.
I would say this is more about her becoming a teenager.
I mean £300 a month on a phone, wow.
Don''t worry unduly, do the best you can at your house and that''s as much asnyou can do, talking to your ex isn''t going to change what he does.
It might actually backfire as he will tell your daughter you have told him not to spend money on her.
It might be a bit rough for a few years, but she will realise eventually.

  • hawaythelads
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29 May 12 #333669 by hawaythelads
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You are up against it here.
First minor point how do thick people end up with so much money? That''s ok darling spend £500 a month on calls if you like. That''s all bollox you can get an i phone 4s now with unlimited calls and unlimited texts and 2gb internet access a month for £36 a month.So I''d asked him to pay you the other £464 a month he is prepared to waste.
Whatever you do.
You will get cast as the miserable one.
As you say he lives in a executive house.
He can afford all the holidays,days out,extravagant gifts etc.
On a financial level you can''t compete.
So better off not to even enter into worrying about it.
You can''t teach people lessons in life by talking to them/at them. They have to learn them for themselves.
If your daughter does vote with her feet that''ll be her choice.Very upsetting for you being left alone but you can''t force them to be with you.She would resent that anyway.
I''d let this one roll and see where it comes out.
I''m not so sure Disney Dad''s new woman will want a 13 year old moody teenage gal living with them.
I''m not so sure his new woman will want £500 a month going on a mobile phone bill either.
I''m not so sure his new woman will want him shelling out on hordes of her mates in tow either.
I''d let him run himself up his own blind alley.
In the meantime if the teenage daughter is taking him for money left right and centre and he allows it that''s his problem.
Eases your finacial position.
All the best
Pete x

  • Marshy_
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29 May 12 #333701 by Marshy_
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Hi Tinkers...

Tinkerbelle wrote:

I also know girl aged 13 brings with it problems as well, but what 13 year old girls dont want nice things.

He was not born rich I presume and he worked his way upto where he is. So really, he knows the value of money but in his daughters case, he chooses to ignore what he knows. It could be that he expresses his love in financial terms. Many do this. Including yrs truly.

But there are many sides to this.
Kids of today huh? If you dont have a smartphone then you are a looser. If you dont have the latest Nike trainers then you are a looser. If you dont have the latest anything you are... Yep. A looser. And the last thing you want to be when you are 13 is a looser. This is where all this comes from. There is so much peer pressure these days to have the latest smartphone, the latest shoes and you dont want to at 13 be picked apon and loose all yr mates cos you are a looser.

But on the other hand, when she is older, she may not be able to afford a smartphone and the latest anything. And she has to be taught to live within her means. So she has to learn. And 13 is the exact right time to do it.

At 13 she can choose where she wants to live. By that I mean which parent and if I have to be honest with you, that may very well be with yr ex. Teens are megga selfish and they will shamelessly goto who ever butters there bread on the right side because they do not want to appear loosers. So what may happen is that she may well want to live with dad for a while. And this is bound to upset you for lots of reasons and mostly because you will see this as she is not being taught the value of things. And yr right.

If you were a couple then perhaps you would have some say in this. But yr not and you dont. In theory, you could make a request that he does not shower her in smartphone contracts. But its his daughter and he loves her and wants to make her feel good. This is a bit of a man thing.

But what todo? Its a fact that well sorted kids come from well sorted parents. Or at least ones that work together. But in this respect, you are not working together. So, I think you ought to have a word with him. But only do this if you think he will work with you and not say to yr daughter, "Mummy said you cant have this now". That will harm yr relationship with her right now as she will see that you are sending her straight to looser town.

But... Bottom line Marshy stylee. You are mum. Mums are always special in children''s eyes. Yr daughter may very well want to live with dad to be showered in gifts for a while. You have to prepare yrself for this. But she will always come back to you at some point. As she will not always be 13 and the peer pressure to have the next best thing will go away one day. Often when children go to uni or perhaps some higher education thing, the game changes. She will be surrounded with others that are struggling. And the new fashion will be charity shop look and less new look and last years phone and not Iphone and she will want to fit in and not look so rich kid. U have to be in this for the long game. Hope this makes sense. C.

  • Tinkerbelle
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29 May 12 #333828 by Tinkerbelle
Reply from Tinkerbelle
thanks all for the replies.....some good advise given - thanks for that.
once upon a time he didnt have anything,far too many years were a struggle, but got to a point where life was comfortable but not extravagent....17 years together to get that far, then he up and left and all of a sudden he is living the dream overnight....
so he very much knows what it is like to have nothing,
I would talk to him about this, but to be honest he does not care and would likley turn it against me.....which can only make things worse for me....
It just amazes me how all the values we had as parents have just flown out the window, Im still the same person feet firmly on the ground however he is up there in the clouds. The life style he leads now is way beyond the life we lived,
as parents we would never have let our daughter run up phone bills of 300 per month, perfectly good contract phones out there for 20-25 per month.....if im honest he has his own business so probably the phone gets put through that.
He has just arranged for daughter to have contact lens`s but deducts the money for them from the maintance, how many 13 year olds have contact lens
think my daughter is in for a rather big shock when she has to pay for all of these things herself....
I dont see my ex allowing my daughter these things as a competition to see who can do best....for a start there is no way on earth i could ever compete,
he has the money so in certain circumstances i dare say its only right she gets to share in a few of the luxuries in life, just think he has went about it the wrong way - she needs to learn the value of money rather than having things handed to her on a plate.
Think i just need to sit tight, try to explain I can only do my best with what i have....if she decides with her feet and chooses her dads lifestyle then i suppose there is nothing else i can do but give her my blessing...bit of a tough one to get my head round mind you.
Just cant get it out of my head that he is doing this so our daughter does decide to live with him...new wife cant have kids so the perfect ready made famiily.
Here was me thinking once I had got through the seperation/divorce life would become easier...never thought id be faced with this problem in a million years.
Thanks again....

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