Hi BP. BrokenPromises wrote:
I feel as if it’s not about him and missing him anymore, it’s about the way he treated me and the way that has made me feel - this I can’t seem to put right in my head.
What may help you is to put this into some sort of context. It doesnt matter what context. But somehow try and explain it to yrself and perhaps learn to live with it.
What I did and how I see it is: My ex is a bad person. She is bad and nasty to everyone. All the people in her life she has betrayed one way or another. And thats including me BTW.
Now what happens to her is of no concern to me.
This last sentance is an acceptance derived statement. When you can say the above and know its true with total certainty, you know that you can explain and understand it. Then you have accepted
So I guess I am getting somewhere near to acceptance maybe? However I keep reading on here that you have to work at acceptance and that it is not just time that will sort this out.
Its a work on yrself. Say something enough times and you will believe it. Like admiting your part in things and understanding his part. Write it down. Form those words into structures that mean something to you. And accept
I know this may seem a silly question – but what do you do to work on it?
The IT is you. You are the one that has to accept what has gone before. And the way we work on ourselves is admit things. Forgive ourselves. Face things. Like the divorce. Or him or her having an affair.
It helps to understand people. Know that all people are faulty. We all have feet of clay and we can all make mistakes and do things wrong.
There is nothing magic about accepting things. But there is something hard abou facing things. Once we can face them. And know them and believe them to our very core, we have accepted it.
There is one final jigsaw puzzle piece to do with acceptance. And we have had this debate many times. That is forgivness. We need to forgive ourselves, let the guilt go. And forgive the other person. Many struggle with the last one. And I can understand why. It kinda sticks in my craw to forgive that b****h for what she did to me. But until I did, I didnt find peace.
I really don’t want this to affect the rest of my life and I worry that it will.
There is nothing you cant have or do in life. You could be an astronaut or a crane driver or a ships captain. Everything that someone else has done before (and things that they have not done) you can do. There are no physical limits. The only limits that exists are within you. If you decide that this wont affect you. Then it wont. But of course, if you wanted to go to the moon on a rocket, you would need to know where the moon is and how to get there in a rocket. So deciding that you wont be affected by this involves some work. And acceptance is just part of that work set. The rest is down to how determined you are.
I would like to think that in the future I will be able to trust people again
And here is the dificulty. Once you realise that all things including people are not perfect, you may realise that the inperferction within them means that you cant trust them. I hit the switch for the kettle. The meter may have run out or the power has been cut. I get the train into work and it may not turn up or the car wont start. I tell my mate to meet me at so and so and she dont turn up. We cant put faith into things that can go wrong.
But what do we do? If we cant trust anything?
We carry on. But we do this in the knowledge that it or they can not do what we expect them too all the time. And then if they do fail, its not a big surprise.
and that maybe someone may come along that I will be able to put my faith in and possibly share my life with. Not for a while yet – but sometime. And hey – if that doesn’t happen – so be it.
There is nothing wrong with this request. You was in a relationship before and you want to again. There were things you liked about it. And we are able to function as 2 as well as 1.
But being with someone carries risk. The risk being that they will do the same thing to you as the last person did. And a relationship of any kind is a leap of faith in that you have to be able to build some sort of trust with them otherwise you cant function. You wouldnt be even to go to the cinema or a pub walk along the sand. So there needs to be trust. But just a small amount and never trust anyone or anything completely.
But you can de-risk a new relationship. And that is by investigating them. Leopards have spots. All over them. And they dont change. Leopards have those spots for all there lives. And its the same with people. We are what we are and thats that. And I have to guess yr not 19 right? So anyone you meet will come with a history. And you can look at that history. If there is anything in that history that you dont like, bin them. But of course you have to be strong enough to walk away. But the good news is that now yr older. You have a few battle scars and you know a lot more then when you were starry eyed and falling for some guy years ago. And you have to learn to be ruthless. They have to earn the right to be with you. And that means that there CV has to be stacked to the rafters with goodness. No dodgy moves in there. It all has to be pure John Travolta. And you will kiss lots of frogs. But do this right sister and you could land a bargain.
I guess I would like to be at peace with it all at some stage.
And now we are back to forgiveness. Forgiveness of yrself and the person that did this to you. Self forgiveness you wont have much of a problem with. But forgiveness of the ex, that will be tough. But understand that this forgiveness is not offered to yr ex. You hang onto it. You never tell the ex that they are forgiven. They dont deserve it. But you forgive them in yr heart. And its all for you.
When all the pieces of the jigsaw are in place then you reach a place of peace. You can look back on all that you have done and all the doubt that you had has gone. You know with total certainty that you did the right thing and you believe in you. You are stronger than you have ever been and you wont suffer fools.
And one day, you will wake up and you will realise, "you know what? I havent thought about you in such a long time".
I was told that years ago by someone. I never thought it would be me. But it was one day. I am that person that woke up realising that I hadnt thought about her in a long time.
Lastly, this lot is a lot of work. It can and does take years. It took me about a year or so before I could say those words to myself. I forgive you. The words would stick in my throat. But eventually I could say them. And now that I can, for me, its over.
But there are huge rewards if you do make it too the end. You will perhaps be at peace and feeling totally cool with yrself for maybe the 1st time in your life. Or perhaps not for a long while at least. And you will at least be past all of this nonsense. But all of this is within your grasp. Its yr life and its upto you what you do with it. C.