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Having To Deal With The Ex!

  • Brunswick
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09 Jul 12 #342030 by Brunswick
Topic started by Brunswick
Do you actually ever move on?

Divorced my wife (she met someone else and left us) and have almost moved on. I was lucky to meet a wonderful person who has changed my life.

Due to work committments had to re-negotiate the care of my two boys (who are almost 18) and managed to get a 50/50 financial split, but allowed the ex to use the house until the boys go to university.

She has tried everything to make life difficult. I make substantial maintenance payments,I gave her exclusive use of the house, which ends next year and I am a great Dad to my boys.

Despite all that I still have an "empty" feeling and miss the full-time contact with the boys. My ex is in a mess as she now realises what she had done.

Life is better for me but does ever really settle back down to normality?

  • vivi36
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09 Jul 12 #342031 by vivi36
Reply from vivi36
I''m going to sound a little hush, I think.

You have met someone else. your boys are almost 18. I realise that you miss the full time care but they are almost adults. My brother joined the Army at 17 and I left home at 18. You are probably feeling exactly the same as any other parent who''s kids have flown or are about to fly the nest. I think that even if you and the ex were still together you would feel the same. Good thing now is that those young men can take you out for a pint.

Your ex is of no real concern to you any more. Concentrate on your new relationship and your men.

You would have that ''empty'' feeling anyway when they go to Uni.

What will happen to the house? will she buy you out? or are you expecting a sale?


  • Brunswick
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09 Jul 12 #342034 by Brunswick
Reply from Brunswick
Thank you vivi36. You are right of course.

The house is being put up for sale. I had a Court Order drafted to avoid any mess. The house is fully paid for and it will sell at a high price but unfortunately my ex will not have the means to buy in the same area which is a problem for her.

I do look after my new partner and take great care of the boys and that will never change.

  • Bobbinalong
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09 Jul 12 #342050 by Bobbinalong
Reply from Bobbinalong
brunswick, I know how you feel when you posted this, done similar myself in the past.I guess its that feeling you have of emptiness which as come to soon too sudden, some more than others, your kids are older, imagine that when your kids are 2 and 4 as mine were.
I worked hard set up a beautiful big house, 2 cars a caravan 12 holidays a year... lol
my wife didn''t work gave her the choice, we had everything, I was set up for the future, little did i know she was planning too as well, but didn''t include me.
She ended our marriage in sep 08, there have been many times I have had that empty feeling. I wasn''t supposed to be on my own, I had set up a family, I was devoted.
For a while I didn''t know what to do with myself, now, I have no spare time.
As for dealing with the ex, my mate always said they don''t change, the venom is just redirected to you but you weren''t really aware it existed.
I think for most it kind of finds a level, to get to that it generally dips for a while, but mine has dipped and not really got back up too far, I goes the level it has found now is how its going to be, and thats fine, it suits me, you become used to it over time.
I can trust her, thats for sure, never could, but only obvious now.
So, in answer to your question, yes you have to deal with her, but less and less.
Hopefully next year after you get your house deal sorted you will see very much less and hear very much less.
The future will then depend on your kids, for what some fail to realise is, we rarely part forever, kids always need their parents. My gf is 51 and still needs hers, even though they are quite old now.

  • Brunswick
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09 Jul 12 #342056 by Brunswick
Reply from Brunswick
Bobbinalong-thanks for your insightful post. It is an empty feeling and your point on what has been taken away is well made.
My ex does lie low when it suits and I am hopeful that with the sale of the house the actual distance between us will be greater.
The relationship between my boys and their Mum is not good and I do try to get them to reconcile, but if I am honest they see it differently to me.
Nice to hear you gave moved on.
Best Wishes

  • stepper
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09 Jul 12 #342060 by stepper
Reply from stepper
The fact that your children are young adults will go a long way to helping you move on and to see less of your ex.

Many dads when they face up to the reality of divorce realise that obtaining meaningful contact with their children is by far the most important aspect of the separation. Finance pales into insignificance when contact with the children is denied.

Take comfort from the fact that your children are old enough to make their own minds up.

  • Marshy_
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09 Jul 12 #342069 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hi Brunswick..

Brunswick wrote:

but does ever really settle back down to normality?

What is normality? What is normal? My normal is not yr normal and visa versa. I bet my normal from last week is not the same as yr normal last week. To me, normal is now. Its like a picture taken of just right.... NOW.

So you have a normal. Right now. But depends what you want the next normality to be? If you want the normality that you had when you were living together then thats gone. That normal will never come back. But if its a certain type of normal you seek, then provided its possible, you can have it.

Some people get over the last normal and some get past it. A very few, never get over it or past it.

There is a conflict here though. We need to "move on" as you said but its impossible to un learn something. If you haven''t ridden a bike for a while and you have a go on one, you will see what I mean. So seeing as you cant unlearn what happened to you, it can be very hard to unlearn it or "move on". The most that any of us can do is learn to accept it. This is what acceptance is. And we can all do that. So provided that you have acceptance, and the anger and bitterness has gone, you are at the end.

And you can close that door on the final chapter of that period in yr life.

As for making mistakes, we all make them. She made one. So she is not alone. We all have feet made of clay. But any mistake we make if possible should be put right. If we cant put it right, we should learn from it. She is an adult. Its her mistake to make. Hopefully, its not one she will make again.

Hope that made sense. C.

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