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when does it get better?

  • blonde cazza
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08 Sep 12 #354545 by blonde cazza
Topic started by blonde cazza
I havent posted for a while but felt i needed to today.
Ive been seperated 20 months divorced for 3.
My ex has been very odd all through the divorce my ex insisted that he wanted more contact then just fri to sun am..I asked him the other week if he could have our son on a sunday till evening...first he said only till 2 then i explained my reasons to which i got a rude text back saying he will have him but dont text on a thursday asking to have him on a sunday and that he wanted him every sunday till that time.I explained i couldnt as that would mean i dont get quality time with our son but said i was happy for him to have him ever other.
I hve tried to involve this man in all areas of his sons life even asked him if he would like to take his son to school on his first day back...no reply!.
When do things actually get better for everyone...i will try and remain civil to this guy but cant be friends after all hes done.
Our sone has said Dads angry but its not with me...so i guess its me...but why after 20 months!

  • Shoegirl
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08 Sep 12 #354550 by Shoegirl
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It will get better when you stop focussing on him and the motivations behind his behaviour.

Haways posts are excellent regarding how to manage a difficult ex spouse when children are involved. I will not do his posts justice by summarising them here but the jist of it is don''t ask your ex for favours, don''t expect anything and don''t let them know that anything they do bothers you. Obviously he has a far more blunt way of expressing his views! His posts are well worth a read.

He is angry, but not with your son. Fine, that''s your ex''s problem not yours. Time to move on and that means maintaining a discipline about not focussing on him and what he is feeling now. It is a discipline I think as otherwise you drag yourself back into your own past.

  • Marshy_
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08 Sep 12 #354610 by Marshy_
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Hi BC. What shoes says is right. Stop focusing in him. The relationship he has is with his kids. You shouldnt be in the middle. Step back. Let him manage it.

Its not 20 months. Its 3. Often, people dont see separation as the end. Its kinda the beginning of the end. Like a limbo land. So, you only been free 3 months. Ask yrself this question again in another 18 months and you wont have the same view.

Anger is a part of this process and this takes a while to dissipate. Its a shame really cos being angry is pretty pointless. What is done is done. There is no point in being angry. Being angry at someone or something only binds us to it. It stops us releasing that bond. But you cant do anything about his anger. He has to find his own way out of his own anger.

This person that you were married to is just the father of the kids. Thats all it needs to be now. Kinda like an unpaid child minder. What may help you put things into context, is look at it this way. Apart from pickups and drop offs, there isnt any need to contact him. Apart from emergency''s.

Just concentrate on the now and next. Things get better. People calm down and life goes on. Its the way of things. C.

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08 Sep 12 #354628 by blonde cazza
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Marshy
Everytime i feel down you pick me up!.
I have said now that he should only contact me in the case of emergency because i feel that ive given up trying up to involve him in his sons education and other stuff.
I just feel that he involves our son so much and maybe this will affect his future but like you say not much i can do.
Its just heartbreaking when both your son and daugher are saying the same thing about him.

  • jar of hearts
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09 Sep 12 #354810 by jar of hearts
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Hi BC

At least your children are seeing their father, that is an achievement in itself, believe me. I would try to stick to the times already agreed, and if you are unable to collect on time for any reason arrange for someone else to rather than change the contact times. It will involve you in less communication, less chance for upset and anger and allow you to cut off your feelings a little better. Perhaps with regard to the education issue, you could just ask the school to give your children two copies of newsletters, reports etc and have your children give one to their father. That way they know that he knows about all their events, parents evenings etc and it is up to him to decide if he should go and make his own arrangements. Your children will then see that you are being fair and know that any non-appearance is solely down to their father and his decisions. It will allow him to feel involved in his children''s lives, but remove the need for you to organise and arrange things for him.

Remember your ex is an adult who managed to be there to father his children, so he can surely manage to arrange to turn up at school when a newsletter tells him it would be a good idea. Then just forget such things, stick to your normal access times and enjoy being a good mum to your children.

  • mandyDoc
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14 Sep 12 #355941 by mandyDoc
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you are so right Marshy a clever clever person your words rang a bell with me and made me smile - a lot

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