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Divorced and Relapsed!

  • Kittykatt
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20 Sep 12 #356908 by Kittykatt
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Hey guys

Just needed to write really as feel a bit lonely with this all at the moment, have good friends and family but everyone seems to be having a hard time at the moment and I don''t want to put it on others.

I posted by Nisi a couple of weeks ago - the Absolute is due any day now, although I already know I am divorced from doing that.

Anyway through this process in the last two weeks me and my ex relapsed completely, saw each other, got ''involved'' and screwed each others heads up again. Not sure if anyone else has done this at the time of finalising the divorce? I think it was the emotion of it all and the finality I guess.

Anyway after a really hard couple of weeks we sat down like adults last night for the first time in a long time and agreed that although we love each other we can''t be together and we are not good for each other, we tried everything but it never worked. The only way forward for us is no contact - I was doing ok after 4 months of no contact then in July we resumed contact to try on save solicitors costs and it has slowly gone downhill from there. As much as we would both like to be friends we know that we cant as it would prevent either of us from moving on so our only option is to say goodbye for good and cut any contact.

Not quite sure where I am at anymore, I thought I was nearly ''out the other side'' but this has thrown me but I am hoping after a few months of no contact I will be back on my feet again.

Thank you for letting me vent and if anyone has any words of wisdom or experience it is always appreciated xx

  • Lori321
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20 Sep 12 #356910 by Lori321
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Just that you are making the right choise in no contact even though it''s hard. Being there too and like me you have to acknowlege that it is over, he is not the one for you. I could do with seeing my hubby concerning the divorce but I dare not due to, as you put it ''screwing one anothers heads up''. Good luck to you and as I''ve being told by others here ''it gets easier'' and it does!!

  • Kittykatt
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20 Sep 12 #356911 by Kittykatt
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Thank you Lori, I really agree that the no contact and certainly not seeing the other person (if you are in a fortunate enough position to be able to do that without children) is the only way forward. As you say things will get better and at least I can see from past that they do and have that to hold on too.

*Takes deep breath* time to let go...

  • Shoegirl
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20 Sep 12 #356915 by Shoegirl
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Not sure about words of wisdom but I do sympathise with the situation you have found yourself in.

Firstly I''m not sure you should see this as a relapse. It takes quite some time for the heart to catch up with the head. It seems to me that perhaps this final thing between you might just have been absolutely necessary for you to let him go.

You know with his issues that he is not emotionally available for a relarionship. You may have also found things out about yourself in counselling that will be useful as you move forward in your life. So, you are right in your assessment that there is no future for you both. However, it does not stop it hurting, it feels like its such a waste, doesn''t it? All those years together and then nothing at the end of it.


I decided to take the learnings from my marriage, the situation I found myself in. I wanted to know and understand myself in order to really come to terms with why I ended up with someone like my Stbx and what I needed to learn from it in order to move forward positively. In many regards now I don''t view my marriage as a waste. I see it as the thing that made me the person I am today, much happier and better than before. That means I have got something everlasting from my marriage and the love and the time with Stbx. That is really important to me.

So what I am trying to say is that no contact worked for me to a point, it gave me the space to understand my situation and what had led me into a relationship that caused me great pain. It has not been possible for me personally to fully move on until I had learnt the lessons that this marriage and it''s eventual breakdown were teaching me.

In terms of the friends thing. My Stbx has contacted me a number of times during the 20 months separation telling me he misses me or words to that effect. it would have been so easy to go there and respond. I didn''t because I feel that my life has moved on without him. Our lives are better managed on separate paths. Because when I married him, i didn''t sign up for just a friendship. Once the relationship has become more, I''m not sure you can ever go back. Besides, I think it would be too stressful to try and maintain a connection with him. Because he still has his issues, he would pick me up and drop me again depending on how things were in his life. I''m not sure I am up for being used and I''m not sure my Stbx at least is capable of anything more emotionally mature than that.

So yes the final goodbye is very difficult. Take what you can from the situation in terms of learning from it and move forward in the best way you can. Fully coming to terms with it, takes an awfully long time. But progress along the way makes that time easier to bear. Staying away from him allows you to focus on the things you need to in order to be at peace with what''s happened and forging ahead in your new life.

Take care

  • Kittykatt
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20 Sep 12 #356920 by Kittykatt
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Shoe girl, thank you. I think you may be right, I was wondering if I should see it as a ''relapse'' or as you say maybe something that needed to happen in order for us both to let go and move on.

I have, as you say, got to the point where I don''t feel bitter or angry anymore (I am hoping that will last as you know what the rollercoaster is like!) and I certainly don''t see the marriage or relationship as a waste as I may have at times before. I understand the part I played in the breakdown and the mistakes I made and the things I need to do in future to have a healthy relationship. I have learnt so much about myself - both during the marriage and since it ended. I wouldn''t change it for the world, as hard as it was sometimes, because as you rightly say it has made me who I am today.

I agree about the friends thing, I think I tried to convince myself but I know deep down that it could never happen, or at least not in the near future.

Thank you again xx

  • donkler
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21 Sep 12 #357057 by donkler
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I did my final goodbye, the night before last, I sign for my Absolute a week today.

She wants to be friends, I told her it wont work and it cannot work. I refuse to be a safety net or her plan B.

She has asked for photos of us both from last year and wished non of the cheating had happened (only words)

I have felt the last two evenings that I have took 2 steps backwards but this morning feel slightly better, and I know after my no contact period this spring/summer that my feelings will pass.

Your feelings will pass too.

All the best xxx

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21 Sep 12 #357082 by Kittykatt
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Hi Donkler,

It is very difficult to be friends, especially when there is so much emotion involved and if you feel like that also (which is understandable).

I have allowed myself the time to cry the past few days and just feel a bit sh*t and have given myself a break as such - that seems to help me - I have a habit of beating myself up though!

I am glad you feel more positive this morning, it is a real rollercoaster and as you say after no contact it should help feelings pass.

All the best to you :)x

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