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HELP! Sabotaging post divorce relationship.

  • honeybees
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28 Feb 17 #489421 by honeybees
Topic started by honeybees
Background: with my ex for 10yrs, married for three, he left me in May 2015, no infidelity just didn't love me anymore and we have no children.

So after a slight set back last year of sleeping with my ex on the weekend our divorce came through, even though (unbeknownst to me) he had a girlfriend at the time, I have managed to move into a new relationship. We got together in July last year and he is incredible. So many people look at my relationship as a sign that right can win the day, my ex left me and was rather nasty throughout the whole proceedings even though I had only ever been there for him :unsure:

My new partner is loving, attentive, showers me with love, is SO romantic, good looking, has taken me on holidays and trips away, is financially secure with his own successful company and a five bedroom house in central london (I spend years paying off my exes debts), tells me he sees a long term future for us, is the same age as me (early/mid 30s), has happy and healthy relationships with his married partents OH and best of all the sex is INCREDIBLE... But yet still I keep sabotaging the relationship.

The second I find myself getting close to him I find myself fighting the urge to run away, when he starts to show me how much he loves me I start to think up reasons why he would leave. I am jealous like I have never been before e.g. he had a party at his house after a work event and even though he emailed me a long message at 5am telling me he was going to bed but he wanted to let me know just how much he loves me and wishes I had been there the only thoughts I was left with was he must have spent the evening up all night chatting up and talking to women. Or today all I seem to think about is a female friend from his running club whom he once shared a tent with on a running trip, I am certain I picked up attraction on her side (not his) and she messages him and they see each other at running events, it drives me mad. I even went to my therapist and she said that 80% of male female relationships someone fancies the other so my fears are completely justified and that she wouldn't be happy either.. yet there is nothing I can do as they are in a run club together. This is new for me, I may have been slightly jealous in my early twenties but that was nearly 15years ago when I was young, but I wasn't this way with my ex who had lots of female friends / colleagues whom he traveled all over the world with... and it is sabotaging the relationship.

The only thing I can think is that my ex blindsided me when he told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce, I didn't know emotional pain could be a physical pain, I guess I am trying to write a script for the end of this relationship so I will be prepared unlike what has happened to me before. I have created a space for my boyfriend in my head and its not a good one: even though I love him and really want things to work out.. yet I feel like a broken toy who is unable to accept the love into her life out of fear and I will lose the person I want the most because of it.

Has anyone else had problems like this? Not trouble moving on from their ex (which I have) but problems moving on from the pain of the divorce which negatively impacts your next relationship?

Thoughts and input would be hugely appreciated as I feel like my therapist is feeding into and not challenging my feelings of jealousy and insecurity. :(

  • Clawed
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28 Feb 17 #489492 by Clawed
Reply from Clawed
I'm not sabotaging my new relationship but I did find myself reacting to my new partner as if he was my Ex and having discussed it with people in the same boat it seems to be quite common. I misread things he said and did by filtering them through my previous experience, I'd never been the jealous type but having been blindsided by my ex leaving I did become much more suspicious. It's been a conscious decision to believe the evidence that my new relationship is much better for me than my marriage was and to trust, rather than preparing myself for the worst I refuse to give my previous experience the power to spoil things for me, it takes practice but I'm getting there. It helped me to tell myself that I survived being left once and if necessary I could survive again and that I'd rather risk that than avoid any chance of being hurt by not completely giving myself to a new relationship. Once I'd accepted that I could see that it wasn't my new partners job to reassure me or mend me it was up to me to open myself up to all the possibilities and risks any relationship entails, I'm a work in progress but it gets easier.

  • honeybees
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24 Feb 18 #499839 by honeybees
Reply from honeybees
Hi, for some reason I got an email about this post into my inbox and I felt compelled to write. I haven't looked at this website in over a year but I can say this: it and the people who post on the site helped me through some of the toughest time in my life.

Nearly 3 years since I broke up with my ex and 2 years post socorce I can only offer these bits of advice:

-in most cases people don't get back together: don't hold on, life your life, remember the things and people you used to enjoy before the relationship and focus on that.
- no amount of crying or pain will bring them back. The most you can expect is that they will (from a distance) feel sorry for you. The only person you are hurting is yourself.
- this too shall pass: it may not fee that was right now. But millions of people who have divorced can't be wrong. You will eventually say by day move on.
- when you date TRY not to let the past effect you current situation. As you can see from my post I STRUGGLED, all I can say is that when you are feeing most chaotic and your mind is spinning use this site (and others like it) to vent. You may sound utterly crazy, you will probably look back and think so too, but you are just venting to a group of atrangers so who cares if they think your nuts.
- most people on here are honestly trying to help. For those that aren't (sometimes people can be cruel and unkind) just remember that they are probably hurting there same, if not more than you. They deserve your pity but not your time or attention.
- at some point you will be hit with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for your ex. For the time you spent together, for being brace enough to end it and for affording you the opportunity to get another chance at life.
- whilst these sites are helpful, at some point they can become a crutch. Your divorce doesn't define you so please move on a focus on other things.

As for me? Well I've fallen back in love with my life: I focused on my career and won awards as a result, I embraced exercise and feel more attractive now than o ever have and I'm getting married. To a kind, loving, supportive and patient individual. I had honestly given up and thought it would never happen for me, that being single was too hard but you really can move on.

I wish you all the happiness in the world and if your reading this whilst in pain please know that i am (somewhere) sending you loving and healing thoughts. No one should go through the heartbreak for a break up but you will come out of it stronger and happier than ever before.

  • LadyMaddie
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19 Mar 18 #500285 by LadyMaddie
Reply from LadyMaddie
Congratulations!! I divorce can either make us or break us and it's down to us to make that decision. You have certainly blossomed from this experience. all the best!

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