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After a decade I thought I had repaired myself

  • grumpygituk
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11 Oct 17 #496831 by grumpygituk
Topic started by grumpygituk
I cannot believe I am writing a post like this after a decade divorced, but I just need to find someone who maybe understands and sympathises, or maybe not as the case maybe.

This maybe a little rambling, sorry, but best give some kind of background to my split, and also this is my first post here, so Hi by the way :)

I initiated a breakup well over a decade ago to someone I still love, but totally over it now and she has remarried. I had and awful three years post divorce and was heartbroken mixed with some magnificent times as well finding the old me, please don't ask me to explain :)

When we initially split we moved 60 miles a few months later to be near her family and gave it another go which ended up being hell, so it then ended for good after the usual roller coaster ride.

Several years later, it's all done and dusted and I follow the usual drills on "moving on", meet new people, don't dwell, put the past behind you. Now I did a lot of this and totally came out the other side understanding myself a lot better and most importantly not screaming at the moon and understanding a lot of what was wrong in my life was down to me. I never had all that much support either and took the British stiff upper lip approach mostly, but I did have a few chats with a sister who I am close to and a good friend 100 miles away and got through it.

Now here is the problem, I am an ex Londoner from years ago, settled 80 miles North of London for 20 years, for a second go with ex went to North Herts, broke up and went to Cambridge, wonderful time there and I built up a business which is now doing OK and things were OK for a while.

Now this is where my problem is and why I am home early today from work finally admitting to myself it's been tough in a lot of ways and I need a little help, and I might add that during all this I had someone close to me with terminal MS, who has now passed away I might add, which is another reason why I moved yet again so I could be a little closer to her and still run my business in Cambridge area, move move move, and like many of you will understand you have to work with your new finances etc.

A lot of my time has been going back to an empty home apart from a few short relationships, and don't get me wrong, at the start it was wonderful, addictive even. I learnt to cook, exercised, maybe drank a little too much red wine. But in recent years I found my friends are now spread and it has dawned on me how few people I know close to where I am now. I have tried to do something about this, cycle, cookery and running clubs etc, but I am not finding it easy at all and for some odd reason after a whole life where I was the most independent person you can Imagine, left home at 16 and was never frightened of my own company and had met people so easily I now feel so alone.

I have found after a decade of divorce I am now and struggling a little, yet in mind and body I feel I have so much left. Maybe it's not all down to the divorce and I have to admit there are other factors, no family and no roots anywhere being a big one.

But the divorce was the trigger, though I would never go back to that, and at 55 I feel so alone in this world and if I am honest just a little bit frightened.

If you made it to the end of this post Thanks


  • Jedzy
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11 Oct 17 #496832 by Jedzy
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Hi John,

Alone and lonely are not the same things. Perhaps you have been alone in the past but not lonely.

It may be that you have taken this long to recover from your divorce and are ready for the next stage in your life - but with another person.

Can you get more involved in your community? I find that giving back to the community helps grow roots and gives you a feeling of belonging.

Maybe the hobbies you have tried were not right for you, but if you keep persevering you will find your people.

Good luck!

  • polar
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11 Oct 17 #496836 by polar
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Hate to tell you it gets worse the older you get. At least when you are working you have daily contact. I do know some sad people though which might give you a clue where to start.
One in particular friend never had another girlfriend (after a split) as he wasn't interested. He used to go down the pub but like many he found that cans in a supermarket were cheaper so now drinks at home.
He lives a stones throw away from me but never visits..I live at no33 he lives at no2.
I feel that his latest decision will be his demise. He orders his shopping online.

So who does he see? NOBODY except delivery drivers. Who visits...besides me NOBODY. What does he achieve..NOTHING. He sits on Amazon buying stuff to improve his house but never fits or uses it.

So where does he go wrong ? Its his choice but its not for me to say.

On the other hand for years (divorced 10 years) I have tried to keep to traditions which started long before my x left. For years I have gone to the next town (its actually nearer). I do the same shopping route. In fact stallholders and shopkeepers can actually tell me Im on the wrong day or if Im early. We know a bit about each others lives, problems etc. There is always a conversation. This doesn't happen in supermarkets as staff change.
Next I have what I refer as bolt holes. I use one drinking establishment but only drink soft drinks. I know a lot of people there but if I go to place one and its quiet or I dont know anyone I go to my second bolt hole...another pub I frequented prior to my break up. A good example was the other week. I bolted to premises no 2 but there was nobody there. I sat it out for an hour and for some unknown reason everyone I used to know suddenly turned up and I didn't leave till after midnight.

Much will depend on your personality. My friend above used to go to the pub and sit there sinking another pint and limiting his conversation to hello Jim, hello bob, hello jim, hello brian. He didn't join the darts team or anything else. He missed out on so much by staring into the bottom of a pint glass.

I joined St John Ambulance for a while and got into shows and events for nothing and no end of people will talk to you. (besides other members of course) There were socials as well.

There is a great fear of taking the first step to joining a club or society. You will find that the members however are only to glad to have another nutter join their club whether it is bee keeping or sports cars. You have to go for a few times to see if its for you but if it isnt you might make a couple of friends out of it and whatever club you join it can lead to offshoots like xmas parties etc.

Very few people actually visit my house so its up to me to get out there and do something about it. There is a saying.
When you are on your deathbed its not the things you did in life that you will regret. Its the things you wanted to do but didn't.

And after the turmoil of daily life there must be something in this big wide world that you want to do ??

Just one other thing. You say you have tried clubs but have you ever invited those people around to your place for a barby or drinks at xmas ?

  • Under60
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11 Oct 17 #496838 by Under60
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Hi grumpy :)
You make your own destiny.
The impression you give is you are not happy in the area you live.
Pick another area?
Become a new person in that area.
Or go back to your family roots area?
Good luck

  • sophe
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11 Oct 17 #496840 by sophe
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Hi John,

I just wanted to offer some sympathy for your situation and to let you know you are not alone.

I have been separated for 6 years, divorced for one and have just moved into my own home in a new village after all the turmoil. I think I was so focused on the breakup/divorce/house move that now it is all over I feel a bit lost and lonely. I am 56, so maybe as Polar says it is worse the older you get.

You are probably still grieving for your friend too, and if you were busy supporting her you won't have had much chance to make other friends in the new area.

It is tough, but both of us will have to make an effort to get out there and join in things in the hope of making some new friends.

So hang in there and keep posting, there are some lovely supportive people on here.

Wishing you all the best and I hope we both find a new focus for our lives soon. x

  • grumpygituk
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11 Oct 17 #496842 by grumpygituk
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This is really good stuff Guys, all of you, and some of it not "there there, it's not you it's life that is a bitch".
I will reply to you all more later, off too a funeral in the morning(such a barrel of laughs me).

The message I did get from some of you is that you get what you put in, that is something I learned the hard way and is so true. The beer thing at home, WOW! what an insightful guy you, that was genuine from me.

I enjoyed some of the time I used to repair myself with great fondness, their was an arrogance maybe in me that when I was ready I would just shout to the world "John's back, come and say hello" and all would come flocking to me.

Yes it was easier when I was younger, and I did tend to make friends very easily, yet again more arrogance as the people chasing me are the ones that I see as the bridge builders and true human beings of this world.

Anyway Thanks

  • polar
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12 Oct 17 #496848 by polar
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Yep you get the gist. Its up to you to get out there.
Its not easy but as I showed with my friend the isolation is caused by something. Lack of confidence ? Lack of money ? Lack of someone to hold your hand in strange situations ?
Yep Ive had all those.
Society is also being battered by the media which ...for example EASTENDERS ..where they bed hopped, changed partners, divorced, remarried yet all drank in the same pub and ate in the same cafe. There are people who think this is real !!!!!
Society is also changing to isolate us via the internet. As in my friends case he really doesn't have to leave the house EVER !!!
People really do need people but look at the society we have bred. My father wore a mac and sailed model boats that he proudly made. He had to stop because children talked to him and parents rushed to take their kids away.. We don't smile at strangers who walk along a street. ..and so on it goes.
Society is scared of a small minority who for a better word , terrorize estates and communities with little regard for others.

It actually benefits governments to close pubs, close villages shops etc. Then it can feed crap via the tv or other media,
A trip down the local boozer that is open or a local shop shows how diverse opinion can be when it isn't just fed to you.Its only when you research groups in your area that you find how many people belong to tiny groups and clinging to some sort of social interaction.

Wiki is a good example...sadly..of how lost most people are in society with few people locally to support them.

As Ive said before and you point out in your post....you were happy before and you can get back to that position. I bet you didn't sit in the house with a can in your earlier days !!!!

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