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Will I ever forget and will the pain be less?

  • Kaz83
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09 Dec 17 #498030 by Kaz83
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I'm hoping to hear from others in a similar situation to me, or they were, and how things got better.

I've been separated from my husband of 9 years, for just over a year now. I broke it off, after years of lies and manipulation I finally found out he had been cheating on me the entire time.

I haven't bothered with another man since, I find it hard to not only trust others but trust myself as well. How could I have ignored the signs for so long?

My ex has dropped our 2 kids off and has gone out for his Christmas party with work. We aren't together yet I feel so much hurt and pain from remembering all the times he had gone out and I would sit home and worry about what he was doing (sad right).

I'd just like some advice about how I can emotionally and mentally move on. He is involved in our kids lives and I see him a few times a week. If we didn't have kids I would have deleted him from my life and I think it would have been easier to move forward.

I just can't help but beat myself up about how I missed the signs for so many years, and how I didn't plan my life to turn out this way. I feel lonely, in the sense that I don't have friends that have gone through this type of thing and I don't feel like anyone understands. My family are quite happy with me pretending everything is fine with me and although offer support with kids and money, offer little in the way of emotional support. They are angry about what he has done and deal with this in different ways, my dad won't allow anyone to talk about him.

Has anyone gone through similar and are X amount of years down the line and in a better place? Or doesn't it get better and the pain is still just as raw?

I have zero confidence in myself and I don't feel ready to put myself out there.

Thanks in advance. :)

Kaz

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09 Dec 17 #498031 by Under60
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Hi
I think you summed it up in the line "I have zero confidence".
Why would you want what you had when it was just lies and deceit?
I totally get not trusting someone again. You don't need to have a husband, especially one as bad as what you had.
I would suggest concentrating on you, doing what you would like, rediscovering your confidence.
Think of it as a new start as opposed to what used to be, or what you have 'Lost'.
You can do it on your own.

  • polar
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10 Dec 17 #498032 by polar
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Yep I missed all the signs !! MUG MUG MUG !!

Oh yep she was very plausible with her excuses as to why late, why conferences, why training .. Yep my daughter and myself identified at least EIGHT different men most of who I knew in one way or another.

Beating myself up was a mild way to put it.
On top of that this bloody blameless culture we have bred meant she could screw as much cash out of me as she could and I can assure you it was serious cash.

Its funny how the guilty party happily blames the innocent trusting one for their behaviour. Rubs salt in the wound and then grinds it in further .

You often find that two things have happened.
Firstly this has been planned for a long time and secondly they have already mapped out a nice safe and cosy existence leaving the innocent party to ask why ??????

There is no answer except that you chose the wrong person and trusted to much.

Yes the world is full of people who put a painted brave face on. You see hundreds every day without you realising whats behind that painted smile.

You have to somehow get it into your thick skull (mine was thick as well !!) that you didn't do anything wrong !!!
Struggle to get that confidence back that you must have had before you met them.
This is often where friends that you have technically ignored for years come in. They knew you in the old days and not as a quivering wreck !! So they treat you as you were.

I got a lot of people I would not have suspected to help come out of the woodwork.

Yep as occasions come around you will be missing them so you must put on that painted brave face and try and accept that this is a new start and with a new start comes challenges. Two steps forward, one back until you regain a semblance of normality. I na few years time you will look back at this time and laugh ! I promise.

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10 Dec 17 #498042 by Kaz83
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You're right, Under60! I feel like I'm capable of going through life on my own.

Your advice means a lot. Thank you. :)

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10 Dec 17 #498043 by Kaz83
Reply from Kaz83
I'm sorry to hear about your experience, Polar.

I just don't understand how some people can be so heartless, it is if other people's lives don't matter.

But the idea of reconnecting with old friends is definitely a good idea. I don't want to keep dwelling on the past and want to find some way of moving on with my life.

Thanks for your advice and I hope things continue to get better for you. :)

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11 Dec 17 #498047 by polar
Reply from polar
Thanks for your wishes Kaz.
Oh mine was 10+years ago and as I said you will look back in a few years and wonder what it was all about.

It does however change your perspective on people especially regarding the trust issues.


As I said though when you get into a partnership you do tend to ignore old friends but they also ignore you. You drift apart. That however does not stop you renewing friendships or keeping closer touch. Xmas is a good time to make contact because you can send cards and see if they respond.

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