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How to handle 'mutual friends'

  • cazzamatazza
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2 years 3 months ago #503040 by cazzamatazza
How to handle 'mutual friends' was created by cazzamatazza
Hello -
I split up with my husband in January 2014 under quite difficult circumstances. He was cheating on me and had become abusive towards me. He was also in dire financial debt and I was working more than full time to try and compensate for it and to keep our flat. When he finally left he all but disappeared, leaving me with the flat and all financial obligations towards it. I had to sort out all of the divorce proceedings and consent order on my own. Things didn't go well - We were summoned to court - but he wouldn't show up. (I had to attend three times before the judge finally agreed to see me on my own). He got aggressive if I contacted him, wouldn't respond to emails, fabricated his financial information, etc. etc. etc.....
Through the whole saga, I did my best to keep my dignity (and pride!) and not ***** him off to everyone around me. Even although I only told a few close friends the full details, word spread and for the most part, of the mutual friends I still see, none of them speak to him anymore.
I have a lodger in my flat to help cover costs. He is an old friend who is similarly going through a divorce. He's stayed with me for about a year now and I have, at times, let him know bits and pieces about my previous relationship and how bad it was. Over the last year he has made it clear he doesn't see my ex anymore, however, yesterday he told me that the two of them had been working on a project together. I feel like I've been hit in the face. I haven't felt like this for a long time. I'm very careful not to give my ex any insight into my life now - I keep my social media very private, I don't see or speak to anyone who is friends with him. And now - one of the people with the most insight into my life is spending time with him. I am furious and I feel sick about it. I want to tell my lodger to move out and I want to end our friendship. I do not want anyone in my life who is also in my ex's life. I just don't want to be connected to him in any way. Is this being totally irrational? Or do I have the right to act on my feelings?

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  • WYSPECIAL
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2 years 3 months ago #503042 by WYSPECIAL
Replied by WYSPECIAL on topic Re:How to handle 'mutual friends'
Your friend has been honest and told you that they are working on a project with your ex.

You don't say what job they do but neither may have a choice in this.

Big difference between having to work with somebody and choosing to socialise with them.

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2 years 3 months ago #503043 by cazzamatazza
Replied by cazzamatazza on topic Re:How to handle 'mutual friends'
Ah no - I should have said. He's chosen to work with my ex on a creative project.

And also - I can understand. I don't want to police who can and can't speak to my ex, but I just feel as though I don't want to be close to anyone who is also close to my ex.

I wouldn't get angry with my lodger, I would just simply explain how I feel and ask him to move out.

Is that reasonable? Or crazy! I can't tell anymore...

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2 years 3 months ago #503055 by WYSPECIAL
Replied by WYSPECIAL on topic Re:How to handle 'mutual friends'
Wouldn't it be better and easier to just keep the lodger side of the arrangement going and back off on what you discuss with him until you're comfortable with it again?

You've no idea if you have even come up in conversation but you can almost guarantee that if you kick your lodger out they will mention it. They'll be looking for somewhere to live so need to tell as many people as possible that they are looking for somewhere.

Plus you'll be looking for another lodger.

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2 years 3 months ago #503059 by Clawed
Replied by Clawed on topic Re:How to handle 'mutual friends'
I would avoid making a decision while you are coming to terms with the situation, I can understand why you feel betrayed and exposed but Wyspecial's practical considerations about finding another lodger are valid reasons to wait and see.
My adult daughter knows all about my life and is still close to her father so I've had to get used to the feeling that I have no control over what she tells him, these days I do what I please and hope that I'm of no interest to the ex so unlikely to be a subject of conversation but I remember the early days when I felt quite paranoid every time I knew she was spending time with him.
I think your reaction is probably partly shock and you will feel better once you have got used to the idea but if you still feel unhappy you have every right to ask your lodger to leave, your feelings are valid as is whatever choice you make.

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