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Really struggling

  • Moona50
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29 Jul 18 #503044 by Moona50
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Hi folks. Long time since I have been on here.

Dealing with some difficult stuff at the moment and I feel like back to day 1

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29 Jul 18 #503045 by Hatton1
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Hi Moona,

I remember you from about a year ago, we were both struggling then.
My divorce is finally over and I am still waiting to feel something like relief but hopeful it will come one day.

Are you able to say why you are feeling like you are back at day 1 ? Don't worry if not. I am probably no more useful on the advice front than I was back then ! But I know it helps to feel you aren't alone.

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29 Jul 18 #503046 by Moona50
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Thanks Hatton. It's to do with a girl I was seeing post-separation.

We knew each other from a long time ago then got together for about 6 months. I ended it as my head was probably still screwed up from the separation. Anyway, we finally ended for good tonight and it has messed me up completely.

It feels like the residual trauma from marriage ending has just punched me in the stomach. Had a few beers and the emotion is overpowering.

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29 Jul 18 #503047 by Hatton1
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I can't remember where I read this (as I read everything and anything obsessively for about a year), but it was suggested that ending your first relationship after a long term partnership break up actually hurts nearly as much, because it feels like another failure, and as you say takes you back to the original devastation.

Had a similar thing too. Almost felt worse because maybe I really am unlovable and destined for the scrap heap. Then realised I was no good to anyone until I fixed myself a bit. Now I seem to be reasonably happy with my own company and perfectly ok if it stays like that. Maybe I had just been desperate not to be alone and it wasn't right anyway.

Is breaking up what you want ? Any saving the situation ?
Just saying (sorry) be careful with the beer tonight if you aren't feeling great !!

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29 Jul 18 #503048 by Moona50
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No, no saving it. I tried tonight but she has moved on. Understandable given that I actually ended it a few months back.

As you say it feels like another failure, a good opportunity that I let slip by almost in a deliberate self-destructive move.

Sometimes I think I am completely f**ked. Too many beers and wallowing tonight and a massive outpouring of grief I think. It is hard sometimes.

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29 Jul 18 #503049 by Hatton1
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I'm sorry it didn't work out tonight. But at least you tried so you can't regret not doing that.

Easy to say (and I still do it so I am being hypocritical here) but try not to beat yourself up about it being your fault. Betrayal by a spouse leaves a lasting legacy. I'm not the same person I was and doubt I ever will be. It colours everything differently. But I am learning that's ok too.

Wallowing is understandable and allowed...

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29 Jul 18 #503050 by Moona50
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Thanks Hatton. I think at Times like this I feel
I need to reach out almost in desperation. Wallowing is something I do allow myself as I think it’s part of the process. But tonight was an onslaught of grief and emotion. Friends have been messaging and I am hugely lucky on that front. It is still acute, visceral pain tho.
I have stopped the beers and hit the sack.

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