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Heartbreak. What its all about

  • Bobbinalong
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28 Sep 20 - 15 Oct 20 #514256 by Bobbinalong
Topic started by Bobbinalong
I've not been on here for a while, but, this place gave me much help.
Maybe I can help someone?
I've just come out of my second divorce.
Probably in a worse position than last time.
But from a mental and understanding position maybe better.
First let's cover heartbreak.
Its a horrible pain, experience.
Why?
It is real pain.
I read a book about it, recently.
So heartbreak is your brains response to what has happened.
Chemicals are released to fuel a fight or flight response, its all your body knows how to respond.
You need to expend those chemicals, its like having too much steam in the boiler.
If you exercise, it will make you feel better as that will satisfy what your body needs to do.
But as we all do, we feel sorry for ourselves, we are kind of mourning, so we sit around, we then feel sick, and thats why.
So everyone is right when they tell you to exercise.
My divorce came through in March this year and what a worse time?
Covid19 lockdown.
Also moving house.
I tool up cycling and made myself get up every day and go out.
It didn't help my brain but it made me feel better and even better when I could get into those jeans I couldn't before.
What was worse about this break up was some treatment of me and some realisation.
I was treated very narcissistically throughout our marriage and I didn't realise. I was aware thibgs were not right, but I didn't know how to fix them, I am very empathic and my personality is to fix things.
A narcissist will try to lead their and your life to their rules.
I was not allowed holidays or to be involved in the arranging of any, but she did. Most of this was financed by a source or fraudulent money and it was a huge amount.
This person turned out to be very materialistic and money driven.
You only find this out in conflict.
Narcissists will come out with many sayings to shoot you down and make those sayings apply to them, but they will be factually wrong.
They say things like, 'after all I've done for you' or 'do you know how that makes me feel?'
They will want things to appear that they are hard done to when in fact they are gaslighting you to make you appear wrong.

My healing has been about learning about this psychology, getting my self fit again and being the adult, doing the bigger thing. Walking away.

I went to counselling because I was hit hard, after we split, I tried to repair our relationship for 18 months. I did everything.
Took her for meals, helped her work, took her out, cooked for her, slept with her.
I did this but along the way it was strange as sometimes we seem to take steps backwards, I couldn't figure it out. I was still in love. But I was accused of lying, of being secretive, all along, it was her that was guilty of everything she uttered.
After the divorce Consent Order and absolut dropped through her door, I heard no more. No answers to texts, wouldn't answer the phone. Her mission was complete.
Once again it was heartbreak for me. I had been used.
But the understanding of what I learned and the realisation of what this person was really like, helped me heal quickly.
I had to leave that home with nothing but my savings in a strange area.
I now have a job and a house and a car. Everything is mine under my roof.

What have I learnt from this experience?
Whatever situation you are are in, however much in love, however good the sex, if you were asked to leave tomorrow, what would be your situation? What would be your survival?
I put so much trust on one person and how could I ever know that trust would be betrayed, how treacherous this person would be found out to be?
Regardless of what you think you might achieve through a divorce settlement, its all up in the air.
I advise anyone in a relationship to evaluate their status.
I put myself in a vulnerable position in my last marriage, one I never thought I would have to consider. But unknown to me when we moved, my wife made sure I had no claim on the property we bought. I trusted her at the time, I didn't ask questions, I was in love, why would I need to know that, this was for the rest of our lives. To her, she made sure she was very safe....

Sometimes to help your heartbreak you have to walk away with your head high
I do believe that if you don't fight on principle, it will benefit you in the long run, not in every case, but generally.
Getting out of here is about self respect
about healing
about being the better person for the future.
about realising what happened and learning about what you were dealing with.
Invariably for all of us here, there are some psychological reasons for what happened to us.
Last edit: 15 Oct 20 by Bobbinalong. Reason: misspelling

  • Flower64
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29 Sep 20 #514274 by Flower64
Reply from Flower64
This post really resonated with me. I too am twice divorced. The first because I married too young and we grew apart. We're still reasonably amicable. My second marriage almost broke me. I too am an empath who didn't see a narcissist coming. Even now, two years post separation he clings to some control through abusing me via financial proceedings because he's not allowed any physical contact, and I'm currently battling off a second bout of depression over the amount of time we've been in the court process without being able to move it forward.

I've tried to be more healthy, get out more, exercise more, especially now the kids have gone back to school after 6 months at home - I have 3 school aged children and a full time job, so found this very challenging but they are little stars who made me proud in how they coped.

Despite all of that I just wanted you to know that reading your post did help me so thank you

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15 Oct 20 #514467 by Bobbinalong
Reply from Bobbinalong
I am pleased you got help from it, I am sorry for the delay in replying.
I hope you ae coping and it is not for me to attempt to give you advice. But I guess the best thing to do is compartmentalise what is happing and deal with what you need to deal with and then make a conscious effort to leave it in a box until it next needs your attention.

  • Devasted20
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07 Dec 20 #515026 by Devasted20
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Reading your post has helped me a little. I am totally heart broken right now after finding out my husband of 20 years has been forming a new relationship and is now demanding a demanding a divorce. I have 3 children and am now worried about the future as well as experiencing this total heartbreak. It is definitely real pain I am feeling. I never realised before you could experience this much pain

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12 Dec 20 #515082 by Bobbinalong
Reply from Bobbinalong
Glad it helped, a little.
Occupy yourself with the kids.
You cannot change what has happened, you cannot know what will happen.
But you can live for today and make it great,

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01 Jul 21 #517162 by MOF
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Hi
thanks for this. From reading your email i didnt realsie my ex-wife was a narcissist. "A narcissist will try to lead their and your life to their rules.". Now you have said it now I recognise it. thanks.

Post divorce i'm afraid you are convincing me that a 2nd marraige wont be for me. I can not trust someone again unless a prenup is in place.

good luck in your future

  • Djsmith
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13 Nov 21 #518126 by Djsmith
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Thank you it has been 18 months and yes also hit me hard for me a waiting game, the book that you read?
yes again like others ( didn't see a narcissist coming) until too late!

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