Loneliness

Being on your own may not be the best, but it is peaceful.

No more rows, nagging, put downs, and you get to be in control of the tv remote. You have time for you.

As others have said, it would be a good idea to try to find some interest other than drinking.

Let the dust settle and take your time and when you are feeling better then think about the opposite sex.

You are not old at 42, but getting divorced can make you feel 90. I know it is hard to believe but you will one day feel 21 again.

I know at first there is a tendency to rake over the past to try and work out where it all went wrong, but you do get past that, and start looking to the future.

Remember you do not know what or who is round the next corner, and since you are feeling so rotten, there can only be good things.

Hang on in there and you can join in the chat in this site if you are feeling down. They are a friendly bunch, who often have a laugh, but are willing to be a cyberspace shoulder to cry on if that is what is needed.

Shelia

Without wishing to sound negative, it's important to realise that it will take a while. Things will get better and you will get out and start new relationships in due course, but it will inevitably take time.

It took me well over a year to get back to something like normal... there were good days and bad days, but gradually the good days outnumbered the bad and confidence returned.

I'd certainly recommend keeping busy - work, sports, hobbies, socialising etc. - and as far as possible try and turn your situation into a positive. For example, I threw myself into a demanding new job with higher pay, trained to run a marathon (I'm 38 so doing something like that at 42 should be no big deal), and got back in touch with a number of long lost friends... all things which helped boost my confidence, kept me busy and got me meeting people.

It's a hard long haul, but hang in there and it WILL get better.

Thanks Chris (and the others), I suppose that 'lonely' might not be the correct word to describe how I'm feeling as at least I've got a decent support network of friends and family to make sure I'm OK, a luxury which I realise that many other people posting on this site don't have.

My self worth has gone out the window though, and I can't help feeling 'disposable' and 'replaceable'. My STBX wife has booted me almost completely out of her life and is likely going to move straight in with the other bloke as soon as I've left for good next month, her family (mum and brother) who I always got on quite well with, have more or less completely frozen me out all of a sudden and won't even engage in conversation with me on the phone anymore if I happen to answer to them (I know that blood is thicker than water, but it still hurts when people can't even be civil to you...), and now I hear that next weekend my STBX wife, her new bloke, mum and brother are all getting together for a pre-Xmas get together/meal type affair, something that they do every year and that I've always done with them in the past.

It just makes me feel almost like I was never here and that nobody is even going to notice that I've gone. It's hard to believe that it was only 9 weeks ago that everything in my life seemed fine and I was actually looking forward to Xmas.

ToxieDogg,

I'm in exactly the same position as you right now. Historically I got on well with my in-laws. Like you, my STBX has just had her family 'pre-Christmas' get together at her new house (for which she hasn't yet given me the address!). I decided to send all my in-laws a card, from me and the kids, and let them decide how they want to be about things. Through our children, there will obviously be some future contact, so I just want them to be clear that there is no animosity from me - from here, it's up to them. I hope that they decide to stay in touch, but if not, it's their loss.

There are some things you just can't influence - but make sure you have left the door wide open, should they want to use it.

It WILL get better - honest!

Take care

Mike

ToxieDogg wrote:

Thanks Chris (and the others), I suppose that 'lonely' might not be the correct word to describe how I'm feeling as at least I've got a decent support network of friends and family to make sure I'm OK, a luxury which I realise that many other people posting on this site don't have.

My self worth has gone out the window though, and I can't help feeling 'disposable' and 'replaceable'. My STBX wife has booted me almost completely out of her life and is likely going to move straight in with the other bloke as soon as I've left for good next month, her family (mum and brother) who I always got on quite well with, have more or less completely frozen me out all of a sudden and won't even engage in conversation with me on the phone anymore if I happen to answer to them (I know that blood is thicker than water, but it still hurts when people can't even be civil to you...), and now I hear that next weekend my STBX wife, her new bloke, mum and brother are all getting together for a pre-Xmas get together/meal type affair, something that they do every year and that I've always done with them in the past.

It just makes me feel almost like I was never here and that nobody is even going to notice that I've gone. It's hard to believe that it was only 9 weeks ago that everything in my life seemed fine and I was actually looking forward to Xmas.

Thats the problem with divorce. Its not just the wife its the family as well. The dumped person does feel rejected and replaced. And that is exactly what has happened. Now this new bloke in her life is effectively living in your shoes. But things are not always rosy in the garden. You cant just swap people around like leggo bricks and expect it all to be roses round the door. Life is not like that and there are always issues. This new bloke is not you and he can never totally replace you. What you did in that family stays forever. Hold your head high mate.

Divorce turns our lives on its head. But the statistics show that the disposed turn out very well indeed. 2 - 3 years from now you will have moved on from this and only now and again you will look back, but hopefully not dwell on it and be happy in the knowledge that your life is rich and full now.

Me. I am 2 years down the road from the start of the troubles. This time 2 years ago I was preparing to go to Austria with my family. Look at me now? I am a few weeks away from being divorced and my life is soooooo much better than it ever was with her and her evil siblings.

Now I feel that it was all worth it. I have new friends I have a great support network now and the people on here and elsewhere have helped me no end. So I am happy now.

One day you may feel the same. Just get over it and rebuild your life. I hope that one day you will say it was worth it. Chris

Thanks Chris. Excellent advice as usual. You've really helped me to come to terms with things recently.

I'm already thinking that us splitting up is for the best. I know that I will feel better soon. I just don't feel that I can actually start 'moving on' with my life yet until I've moved out next month, so it hurts a lot that my STBX wife, and her family, are more or less carrying on 'as normal' and welcoming this new bloke into the fold....while I'm still here! What they do when I've gone next month is no concern of mine because I'll be living back nearby my own family then, I just wish they all wouldn't choose to rub my face in it in the meantime.

The loneliness I'm feeling is bought on by being stuck living in a house with a STBX who can't even be bothered to wait until I'm out of earshot before she calls her boyfriend anymore, her family who seem to be all of a sudden trying to pretend that I don't even exist, and all the people that I actually want to be around (my own family and friends) being miles away. There's only so much comfort you can get from a long distance phone call.

However, I'm 100% sure that 2008 will be much, much better once I'm settled into my own place and start going out a bit more again. It really is the environement and atmosphere that I'm currently trapped in (until January) that are contributing to my feeling of isolation at the moment, as much as the just 'being on my own' part.

ToxieDogg,

Good for you, it sounds as if you're starting to move on with your life. Unfortunately for me I'm still stuck in the "Can I still save it " mode of the seperation.

hopefully when I too move out of staying eith relatives and move into a place of my own that I'll feel free to start a new life.

It all gets brought back to home when I try and chat to other women and realise that my ex is actually the woman I want!

I guess it's like the old song ... you don't know what you've got 'till you loose it.

We must get together for a Cyber beer sometime

Ken