I still wish I could save my marriage too, there's a lot of things about my STBX that I still like....it's the old case of I wish that I could have her with just the nice bits and none of the bad ones, but that'd be silly because she'd be a completely different person then. The nice bits probably only seemed so nice because I tried to focus on them more than the bad bits anyway. I think I know what I mean, lol.
In a strange kind of way, finding out about her affair made this whole thing MUCH easier for me to deal with....up until then, I only had myself to blame for my marriage going tits up, and with my STBX telling me it was all my fault as well, I was in a right state. I went through a phase of despising myself for driving her away and was prepared to say or do anything to make things right again.
However, discovering what was really going on, especially in the manner that I did (checked her emails), taught me that she did not respect me or my intelligence at all, and that I could probably never trust her again...to begin with, she even carried on trying to talk her way out of it even when I confronted her with the evidence. This in turn made me realise that I deserved better treatment than that, and helped to reaffirm my self-worth and faith in myself. I may have started a crack in our marriage but she widened it all by herself by straying. We both had a part to play in our break up, not just me. The only thing I really remain angry about is that right up until I found out for myself, she chose to blatently lie about her affair and let me continue to take the whole blame for the divorce. Had she been honest with me earlier, then I could've dealt with my emotions quicker and could possibly have moved permanently back to Liverpool in time for Xmas instead of having to come back here for a couple of weeks in January until the contract on the house is up The silly bint could have got on with her own life quicker as well.
You are right....you don't know what you've got until you lose it, and I'll always have the regret of not having done more with her (days out, weekends away etc.) but if she was prepared to have an affair rather than communicate with me about saving our marriage, then we obviously weren't right for each other. I can honestly say that it's not something I would've done to her.
I'll pass on the cyber beer....I'm coping with everything at the moment mainly by staying sober and trying to keep a straight head....though I'll probably get nissed as a pewt on New Year's Eve I'll do you a cyber-cup of tea if I ever bump into you though though
This Xmas is still going to be bloody hard, especially because my mind keeps going back to last Xmas, how happy we both were, etc, and the thought of her spending it with her new bloke...but this Xmas will be the first one that I've spent with my family for 6 years (withoout going into detail here, she even managed to slowly but surely drive a wedge inbetween me and my folks, I know now that my parents actually avoided visiting because of her) so perhaps this is happening for the best. A new chapter of my life is starting, and 2008 will be the year of the Dogg
So glad to have stumbled across this thread and found I'm not the only one feeling this way.
I was the one who finally made the move and left my wife of 13yrs, and don't regret that decision, however within 3 weeks of moving out things took a real turn for the worse for me.
My wife and I had been in the process of renovating a house and I moved into it to sleep on an airbed - after 3 weeks there alone I returned home to find that my wife had moved in as well and shifted the few meagre posessions I had into another room without discussing it with me.
To say I was angry is an understatement - I turned right out of the door again and drove back to the office before calling my girlfriend and going round to hers. Funnily enough sharing my anger and frustration as well as sadness about what this meant for my daughters drove her to dump me the very same night.
Since that night I've had problems sleeping, have gone through a lot of vodka looking for the answer to all this, have barely eaten and made things even worse with my ex-gf by practically begging her to get back with me.
Still living in the same house as my STBX wife, most of my posessions still in her parents house, finding my friends busy with their own families at this time of year and wondering what to do with myself on a nightly basis.
The trouble is I KNOW it will all be easier and better once I have my own place and rebuild my social life, it's the hell of having no real choice on living elsewhere (still paying mortage and all bills at the house) yet having to share the house with my STBX. If my ex-gf could have stuck with me through this it would have been soooo much easier to work through and she is trying to stay there for me as a friend, but I'm finding it hard to think of her as just a friend.
Exercise certainly helps and I am getting back to the gym, but more than anything it's trying to find places to go where I can be with other people rather than sitting at home moping or arguing with my STBX. Weekends are the worst and not looking forward to the festive season one little bit!
I did after all get myself into this, but never thought it would be this difficult.
The trouble is I KNOW it will all be easier and better once I have my own place and rebuild my social life, it's the hell of having no real choice on living elsewhere (still paying mortage and all bills at the house) yet having to share the house with my STBX.
I can't relate to everything but that section strikes a real chord with me. Me and my STBX are renting the property we're in at the moment and it's only the fact that I've got to pay rent and bills here until 22nd January that's keeping me here at the moment. Living in the same house as someone you still have feelings for, but is constantly on the phone to her new boyfriend, keeps 'accidentally' bringing him up in conversation and has a room full of nicely wrapped up gifts to take to his place with her at Xmas is bloody hard
I'm lucky I've got family and friends I can go to for Xmas and New Year, I realise that a lot of people posting on here haven't even got that luxury.
Craig, it does seem odd that given the situation, your STBX wife has actually moved in with you out of the blue, seeing as I can't actually wait to get away from my STBX. Is she in a state of denial about the divorce?
ToxiDogg - there were a number of good and bad reasons that my STBX wife moved in...part denial and partly the advice of her solicitor. She doesn't know about this ex-gf and probably thinks that my hours of endless tears are related to the long overdue breakdown of our marriage rather than my despair at being dumped.
I was coping with having the control over leaving my STBX, I think it's the loss of control of being dumped that's made it so hard to bear.
Glad to hear that you have options for the festive season...mine seem to be to spend the time with my parents stuck in the middle of nowhere with no-one else to socialise with or meet up with my inlaws for the first time since I walked out on their daughter....decisions decisions
Sorry to read your sorry tale. I know how you feel. Like you I'm waiting to get a place of my own where life can start again, rebuild some sense of self worth and possibly begin a new relationship.
Sorry to hear about your gf. The good news is that if you were an attractive partner to her, then it shows that you still have value (sometimes we all feel worthless in this process). I guess your gf just didn't want to get involved because of the perceived baggage of emotions you were carrying at the time.
Once you've got a place of your own and started to recover, the perceived bagage will be much lighter to a new partner and she will hopefully appreciate the best parts of you. Perhaps your ex-gf will want to get back with you once you've got a place of your own and got your head straight again ... your under great strain right now, once lifted things get better.
Please go easy on the voddy.
If you want to chat in private, you know where I am.
I can completely relate to your situation. I know how tough it is to deal with deception in a marriage or any relationship for that matter. I myself ended an 11 year marriage after I caught my husband with his mistress, an act I in my naivety could never have imagined..
These are painful losses, loss of trust is something that is hard to recover from, especially if it's your husband who's cheated you. I had found myself in severe depression after my incident and resorted to private therapists, counsellors and the whole lot but never really got anywhere.
I think in my entire time of strife and trying to cope with my distress, it was the help of two private psychologists on this website that really motivated me to move past what had happened and be confident in myself again.
It's run by a lady called Catherine Trover and her group of colleagues who are all practicing psychologists and counsellors. I found them an invaluable source of comfort. In a time when I found no contentment in anyone's advice and 'pity' to be honest, I found these webwelfare counselling people so entirely different in the way they treated me and helped me through my distress, it was a wonderful experience.
Oh yes I have felt it too, many times especially on weekends.
My husband is happy with his new lover while I am still alone.
I have been on a couple of dates but soon realised that I am not really ready to get involved with a man or maybe I should say I haven't met anybody who felt right.
At the moment my life is very busy with a full time job,my art career and my studies at OU.
It keeps me occupied and keeps me from falling into a depression.
Still the feeling of loneliness sneaks up on me from time to time.